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While we're on the subject of child maintenance. How many would admit to living with a DP who doesn't pay it?

(171 Posts)
WorraLiberty Mon 23-Jun-14 22:51:21

I'm just curious that's all.

It's quite common to read that a lot of MNetters don't receive any maintenance for their kids.

Yet it's also quite common to read that MNetters DPs do pay maintenance for their kids.

So AIBU to wonder why there is such a discrepancy? Or is there something I've (quite possibly!) overlooked?

Is there a chance that some men are claiming they do pay their exes when they actually don't...and that their new DPs are non the wiser?

Seventy6 Tue 24-Jun-14 00:30:28

I took the house in lieu of child maintenance, I worked out what he would have to pay over the years, and it was a similar amount to his equity. It has meant we have a better relationship as it is all sorted for good, and he is self employed so there would always have been suspicion. I don't earn much, but with tax credits I do alright. I would recommend it as a solution to anyone in a similar situation.

WorraLiberty Tue 24-Jun-14 00:30:28

Still, considering the huge amount of parents who get nothing from their exes, there have been very few replies from people to say they live with a partner who does not pay.

This is the imbalance that interests me.

Bogeyface Tue 24-Jun-14 00:39:01

Be fair Worra I dont think anyone would come on this thread and say "Yep, I am married to a deadbeat"

I am not married to a deadbeat but have already been told that what he did was wrong!

Lauren83 Tue 24-Jun-14 00:44:15

Mine pays, over what it should be and despite the ex stopping access for 6 months, she also tells the csa he never has her overnight too so she would get max payment (he has her 1-2 nights every week)

WorraLiberty Tue 24-Jun-14 00:46:50

True Bogey but what with how easy it is to name change, I just wondered whether anyone wanted to comment honestly.

I can only conclude that lots of people either believe their DPs are paying when they're not, or they just don't want to admit they live with someone who doesn't.

Or perhaps MN is some sort of magic wonderland where new DPs are the dog's bollocks in that respect grin

WorraLiberty Tue 24-Jun-14 00:48:02

Lauren, why doesn't he get witnesses to prove it?

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 24-Jun-14 01:00:39


I've touched on this a bit before on here, you may not have seen or indeed have any clue what I post as this is quite a busy site.

I have been married a few times (widowed once) after my late husband died I had a long term relationship and married a man who had children from a previous relationship he did not pay maintenance I was under the impression this was because they had a significant clean break arrangement instead of ongoing maintenance, he was always telling me all about this generous agreement they had both made. I discovered this was not true after him and I parted company and I walked away only taking what I had started with and had to fight tooth and nail to get anything via the CSA importantly his ex wife had lied to me when I asked her,to this day I do not know why she lied as if she had told me the truth I would have set up a standing order for her from my account.after we parted company i made a significant contribution towards his youngest child's uni related living expenses via mum because I felt such shame at not questioning the situation more effectively.

My current husband and I (estranged) parted company the day I saw some CSA paperwork and he had tried to claim an reduction in maintenance because of my children. We had no joint finances and he had no responsibility towards my children at all.

That was not the only reason, he was an arsehole but it was the tip of the iceburg.

I now have one of his children currently living with me and am very good friends with her mother. They had a private arrangement for what I consider to be a very low amount and he randomly stopped paying and that's why she went to the CSA but at the time due to the nature of our relationship I had no knowledge of his income and still don't.

Since then I have had one relationship he had 1 child from before and had a private arrangement with the mum to pay more than double the CSA amount the entire time we were together and for over a year after we parted company I ensured it was always paid without fail by paying it myself,I had forgotten I was still paying it until a thread on here reminded me.

I am so appalled by NRP's who don't pay that I would never involve myself seriously with one without having evidence that a fair amount was being paid and would no longer just take someone's word at face value.

I do know that my teenagers dad has had several GF who have listened to him bleat on about how he's such a wonderful dad and he pays what he can when the reality is he hast seen our child for 3 years and thinks he does not have to pay anything because I don't really need him to.why the latest believes him I'm not sure because he gave her his company in order to dodge it but there you go.

TillyTellTale Tue 24-Jun-14 01:02:20

I think that Mumsnet had, or has (when I'm optimistic) quite a solid backbone of women who have Standards in men. Like Interested In Own Children.

I tend to believe that women who are able to maintain some level of double-think regarding male parenting (such as "it's awful that my ex doesn't pay maintenance, but DP's ex is a grasping bitch for wanting maintainance) probably don't find the mumsnet culture such a fun environment to post in.

DottyDooRidesAgain Tue 24-Jun-14 01:06:00

Apologise I have not RTT but DH has never paid actual monthly maintenance.

He has pad for:

School uniforms & bits & bobs 3 times per year (plus extra trousers & t-shirts) 12 years.
Summer & winter wardrobes. Plus extra for holidays.
All school trips.
All after school clubs/football/rugby plus kit.
Main gift at Christmas plus £200 for smaller gifts. (For 20 years)
Their (twins) cost of holidays with ex plus spending money. Plus the holidays he took them on.
Rent & bond on 3 flats since leaving home for uni.

Exw would not accept a penny in actual cash. Never paid monthly but no less of a father.

I know this is the exception not the rule.

HavanaSlife Tue 24-Jun-14 01:14:57

Ds1s dad didn't want to give me money he wanted to buy things instead, as I might spend it on myself. No, it was just another way of trying to control me. It never happened anyway, he never paid a penny or did anything else. Every time the csa got hold of him he went well, he's paid less than a years worth of maintenance in 19 years.

My friends ex pays half what he should a month to her in cash, the other half he buys stuff for them, pays for their activities, mobile phones, goes half on school trips. This suits them both.

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 24-Jun-14 01:16:25

The thing is I'm treated quite oddly for questioning any NRP's I know (I don't randomly question them just ask leading questions of the ones I might be inclined to ask out) and they all without fail say much the same thing

"I see my kids when ever I can and I always pay" it's usually considered to be intrusive questioning.i always bottle out before it actually gets to asking for a date so I've never got to the point of asking to see bank statements or interrogating the ex.

I'm guessing people who do probably feel uncomfortable asking until emotions are involved and by that point they feel its to late because they are already involved or have fallen for the my ex is a bitch hook line and sinker.

I do know I would view anybody that described their ex in the absence of a none molestation order as a cunt because part of me would always be thinking "I wonder what their view on the situation would be"

I am how ever going on a day date (what ever that is) on Wednesday he is not an NRP and mum pays (I know her) because I figure I can't be hoodwinked about active parenting in that circumstance.

WorraLiberty Tue 24-Jun-14 09:01:06

Those kids were definitely lucky to have you fighting their corner NeedsAsockamnesty

Bluetroublethree Tue 24-Jun-14 09:23:32

My cousin's husband is like this. He's got a child of 7 that he only pays for when he sees him, like a sort of daily rental. The child's mum will only allow him to see him if he picks him up from the house (perfectly reasonable) but my cousin won't allow the new husband to go to the house, or go with him (jealousy issues) so the little boy doesn't get seen. And then the mum doesn't get any money. Not surprisingly she's told them to sod off.
The cousin's new husband is pushing 40 and has never worked and doesn't sign on as he's his Dad's carer. He sees his dad weekly, but has his mobility car. The pair of them disgust me. What she can possibly see in him is beyond me and she seems to rewrite in her head what he's really like. sad

BadlyShavedYeti Tue 24-Jun-14 09:29:47

DP had periods of not paying maintenance, due to redundancy. It was the early 2000's and DP was in the construction industry and when the recession hit he was unemployed. As he wasnt earning his CSA stopped.

If we could have afforded to pay whilst he was unemployed we would have but simply did not have the funds to do so. We still took DSS out and paid for treats for him when he was with us - ice creams, sweets, cheap tat from the �1 shop!

DP's ex was very unhappy about the money stopping and I can see her point, DP's unemployment affected her too but it also affected us, we couldnt afford to pay the bills and it was a horrible stressful time for us.

When DP started work again for an agency his CSA started again, but after 6 months all the agency workers were laid off so we went through it all again.

I know it is not the question that was asked but there are other reasons why some parents dont pay.

TheXxed Tue 24-Jun-14 09:37:08

Bogey who did you husband contribute to his living cost, housing, electricity and rent. I am not sure how a bus pass lunches and clothes makes up the difference.

TheXxed Tue 24-Jun-14 09:38:22

*Meant to say how

bibliomania Tue 24-Jun-14 09:43:39

I have nothing against any of my exH's various girlfriends - never met any of them, but dd reports them as being nice. I know for a fact he would be showing off his generosity to dd in front of them - buying her anything she asks for, lots of clothes and toys etc. The girlfriends aren't in the wrong if they fall for his act. The fact he has never paid me a penny in maintenance over the years and has actively evaded the CSA is something he'd never disclose or else would explain away somehow. Knowing him, he'd probably claim he couldn't give me money directly because I'd drink myself insensible or something equally lurid.

I fell for my ex's lies for long enough, so I'd never blame another woman for being equally credulous.

BertieBotts Tue 24-Jun-14 09:48:19

My ex who never pays is constantly flitting between girlfriends, he doesn't live with anyone for long if at all so I don't know whether his girlfriends would describe him as a "DP". I would also expect any MNer who was with him to be told to LTB grin Obviously not all MNers are in wonderful perfect relationships but I think there is a higher proportion of people in healthy relationships on here than in RL, at least in my experience.

I think it's more that mumsnet is not a true representation of the UK/world as a whole. It's very skewed.

ProfessorBranestawm Tue 24-Jun-14 09:51:06

I would assume it happens a lot when the fathers have a low income job. If you earn below a certain amount (or are in receipt of certain income related benefits I believe) then you don't pay CSA if I recall correctly.

Of course this doesn't necessarily have to stop the low-earning fathers contributing in other ways even if they can't afford regular maintenance. If they refused to give what they can then I'd certainly call that deadbeat!

BertieBotts Tue 24-Jun-14 09:51:19

Although I do wonder if XP's more recent girlfriends know he has children, as one was adopted and he has no contact, and he hasn't seen DS for about 3 years and we live abroad. confused

fifi669 Tue 24-Jun-14 09:54:08

Ex agreed to take on 30k of debt when he split with his wife in lieu of maintenance. Funnily enough when he left me, he added her to the CSA claim so that I'd receive less. not that we see a penny

gamerchick Tue 24-Jun-14 09:55:30

icanseethesun you can't open a bank account? All you need for a birth certificate is the details.. I got a hold of my step granddaughters Easy enough for a savings account. Who told you you couldn't get it?

needaholidaynow Tue 24-Jun-14 09:57:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuisSuarezTeeth Tue 24-Jun-14 10:03:16

I did have an ex who did this and I felt mighty uncomfortable about it. He didn't work but found money to spend on Xbox games etc.

Money was very tight indeed, but I felt it was so wrong I set up a payment to his ex for the two little boys.

Publicly I "supported" him in not paying, but privately I felt horrendous. I did indeed LTB in part because of this.

needaholidaynow Tue 24-Jun-14 10:03:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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