Is it me or DP?

[NameChange1981]

Really not sure what to do and DP and I have had multiple arguments about this.

We are getting married and when looking around venues didn't mention the 'W' word as we weren't really sure what we wanted and didn't want to get bullshitted. We have decided to get married in church early on and then move to a self-catering venue. Self-catering is important as my parents run their own catering company up north and want to do the food - the place we have hired insists (as does every other venue we looked at) that you purchase their own food and drinks.

We initially said it was for a 'party' and technically will pick the keys up the day before and drop them off the next day, so no one will ever see me in a white frock... however I wanted to say before we paid the deposit that actually we are having a reception but desperately want to do our own catering - just be honest. DP spelled out numerous ways why he thought they would just insist we a) pay wedding prices (+£4k) and b) have to buy their food and against my better judgement I kept quiet as I couldn't think of a good way to phrase it.

We have paid the deposit and my parents think we should come clean, as do most people I talk to but DP is adamant we shouldn't as it's not a big deal. As we get closer to the day I am worried that the £ loss of not having a wedding with the food package is enough that they will pursue us through the small claims court and say that we lied.

We aren't doing a big white wedding - it's literally a boozy, foody party with our friends whilst I happen to be wearing a dress. However I want to hire a professional photographer and, based on my experience of the industry, feel that they will probably tell the venue because it certainly looks like we are being deceitful - I feel we are being deceitful.

This all goes back to me wanting a village hall/local brewery do and DP saying he wanted something "pretty" and that no village hall could ever be "pretty" No amount of me telling him otherwise would change his mind.

I don't know what to do, whether I should call myself or what to say, or whether DP is right and I am being over-anxious? I should add he comes from a non-UK culture where no one would bat an eyelid at what we're doing - all his friends and family think this is totally fine.

[NameChange1981]

Should add, we live down south in the other end of the country from my parents so couldn't use their contacts/venues.

[Tonicandgin]

How will you feel on the day?

If your going to agonise over it, I'd tell them. Your wedding day is about relaxing and enjoying it.

[flowery]

I don't understand why it would be "coming clean"? Have you signed terms and conditions stating that it isn't a wedding or something?

[Charlieboo30]

Ooh, I would feel the same as you and have to say something. I hate lying and would feel too guilty! You'll never relax on the day if you're worrying about it now either.

[KirjavaTheCat]

I wouldn't tell. It's ridiculous that they tack on so much as soon as you mention 'wedding'.

Have a change of dress, don't do massive speeches, keep it non-wedding-y if it'd make you feel better. But you're not doing anything wrong imo.

Did they ask you specifically if you're getting married?

[Bowlersarm]

Slightly confused - you've hired a self catering venue, but they are insisting you purchase their food and drink?

[thecageisfull]

I don't understand. Have you told them that you aren't having any catering to get out of having catering from them? Does the venue specify no weddings or something?

[KirjavaTheCat]

I'm assuming the OP means the venue has a rule of no self-catering for wedding receptions, it's where the money is for them after all, would make good business sense.

[ApocalypseNowt]

it's literally a boozy, foody party with our friends whilst I happen to be wearing a dress

^ sounds like a wedding to me....

I'm also confused about the self catering venue where you have to buy their food.....

[firesidechat]

My daughter got married in a beautiful and unique venue and they had an outside caterer to do the food and drink. It wasn't a village hall, but there were some lovely ones that they looked at as possible alternatives.

If the venue you have chosen insist that you use their caterers then it's obviously not going to work. You will have to come clean because at some point they are going to be asking what food you want and what on earth will you say to that? What sort of venue is it? Hotel? Can't you look for something else that will allow you to do what you want? It must be possible.

[NoodleOodle]

You've booked it for a party, and that's what you're having, why the worry?

[hollycomputer]

Why would you need to tell them you're having a wedding? I'm not sure I understand. If it's only because you are uncomfortable with not telling them I'd say overcome those feelings and go ahead as you're not having the wedding in the venue. The reason for the party isn't their concern surely?

[NameChange1981]

Sorry, to make it clearer - it is possible to hire the venue as self-catering, but if you hire for a 'wedding' then you have to buy a full package including catering that another venue supplies (it is part of a group, so a large parent company, like Bannatynes or something where one of the hotels supplies the food to a sports hall). When we were shown round the venue the person told us this quite pointedly... I am not sure they believed our 'generic party' story, but maybe they were just making conversation. This however was months ago and we have signed a normal hire contract and had other conversations with them since.

[KirjavaTheCat]

OP - will they be around or will you all be left to your own devices?

[firesidechat]

For some reason this is annoying me now. It must be the heat.

If you want your parents company to do the catering then book a place that lets you do that. You are in serious danger of souring the whole thing.

[Bowlersarm]

Ah, I see.

Well, I wouldn't be able to lie about it. And surely the faffing around if you have to change out if your wedding dress etc in order to fool them, will ruin the day for you?

[Bowlersarm]

Won't you be in breach of contract if you've signed a contract specifically saying it isn't a wedding reception?

[firesidechat]

You seem to have 2 options:

1. Look for a hall/castle/whatever that allows an outside caterer for the food.
   
   
2. Have your wedding at a hotel/stately home/whatever and your parents don't do the catering.
   
   The option you have at the moment isn't doable in my opinion.

[iPaddy]

I'm with your DH. Unless there's something in writing I would just play dumb!

[littledrummergirl]

Could you wait until a couple of months before and then tell them dp proposed, figured you were having a party on whatever date and thought it would be good to tag it on. You want it to be low key etc and luckily the church is free.
Youre so excited etc, never expected your parents would cater your wedding but they are thrilled. Assume this is ok with the venue.

[Bowlersarm]

There is something in writing!

[firesidechat]

littledrummergirl They aren't going to fall for that one in a million years.

Why have all this stress for what should be a wonderful day for all of you? Won't you live in fear of being found out?

What is so special about this place?

[CSIJanner]

You need to read your terms and conditions. V important is you're worried about legalities.

What you could do is let them know that your DP finally asked the question, you bit his arm off and have arranged a last minute wedding with the planned party now being reception as you didn't want him to change his mind. It is a lie but might help you get out of a sticky situation. They might waive the catering option but may ask you to pay a fine of £100 or something maybe

[onedev]

Unless you've signed a contract specifically stating that it's not a wedding, then I don't see the big deal & I wouldn't say anything at all.

[CSIJanner]

Corss posted with LittleDrummerGirl