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To just want him to find a job?

(69 Posts)
DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 04:33:21

DP hasn't been working now for 4 years.
He has made no effort to get a job in the 4 years that have passed, and I have been going from job to job, my most recent of which I had to leave due to ill health and claimed ESA.
We are struggling so much financially now that I am not working, and all he can be bothered doing is going on his play station all afternoon.

But my biggest gripe is that he makes ZERO effort to find a job. We don't have Microsoft Word so it would mean going to the library to do his CV and in his words "he doesn't know what he is doing". I've told him that there must be someone, somewhere that help with these sorts of things. A free IT course or something, but it falls on deaf ears.

It has come to the point where I have had enough. I have suffered with depression and anxiety for a while now, and I am pregnant with DC3 (unplanned) which has thrown me a thousand steps back from recovering from my depression.

My children have never known their dad go out to work. All they see is someone slobbing about doing absolutely nothing. Nothing even around the house apart from wash a few pots and he thinks he's helped out.

I'm such a mess sad sad

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 08:06:10

As for selling his ps3, I don't even want to think about what his reaction would be if I did that! I wanted to throw it in the sink once but I stopped myself.

Groovee Tue 17-Jun-14 08:06:53

If he volunteered then he would get a reference. Unfortunately people like this will only help themselves when they want too.

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 08:08:42

He doesn't really socialise with anyone no. Neither of us do.

Oh someone asked up thread how old he is. He's 30.'

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 08:09:22

You might have to choose between accepting the status quo and getting really tough with him.

Purplewithred Tue 17-Jun-14 08:10:08

Three options: Jobcentre, GP or separation. Sounds like you need to play hardball.

cozietoesie Tue 17-Jun-14 08:10:29

I'll lay a modest wager that he doesn't attempt to do his CV properly, that you end up being the one who tries to lick it into shape while he plays games and that he then argues with you/yells at you for 'putting too much pressure on him'. (I've been where you are.)

What will you do if he won't start trying to obtain work? I think you need to at least start thinking about it.

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 08:12:20

I've been really tough with him recently. I've told him he's got to change this situation and to make an effort.
I told him that if I left him and took the kids with me he would soon be looking for a job as who wants to live on £70 a week?!

Fideliney Tue 17-Jun-14 08:12:50

Well at 30 he could scrape onto some Princes Trust grant schemes and similar but he doesn't sound like he has the gumption to cut his own toenails ATM.

You need to figure out what the end game is.

Bogeyface Tue 17-Jun-14 08:14:24

Re:Open Office when you save documents you get a choice of formats. Choose the .doc format because then they can be opened by people using Word/Office etc, if you save it in the default then they cant view it.

As for the job hunting (or not), if he wont do it and refuses to volunteer etc I am not sure there is much you can do. Yes he could be depressed but I have to be honest it sounds more like excuse making to me. He never had to work because he knew you would, now he has to and he is still coming up with reasons why he cant look for a job. 4 years without a CV is not job hunting, it is lazing around.

You need to decide if you can live like this, I wonder if your health would recover if you didnt have this lazy scrounger hanging around your neck dragging you down. You are a far better example to your kids than he is, and would cope well enough without his "help" in the house.

Think about it.

splendide Tue 17-Jun-14 08:19:12

How old are the children? Will you be better off if it means you need to pay for childcare?

cozietoesie Tue 17-Jun-14 08:19:49

OK then. Get the wherewhithal for a CV set up, tell him he's got to do it and start looking for work and give him a timescale. (That latter is probably alien to him now but plenty of us have to live with one in a work context.) Then see how he does. I don't feel optimistic so I'd be thinking about your position all the while if I were you.

twentyten Tue 17-Jun-14 08:26:31

Is there anyone in the family/ friend who could talk to him? The internet is full of cv builder sites for free- just google.
What about help for you? Would seeing your gp be useful? Sounds like getting your oh out of the house would help.

MidniteScribbler Tue 17-Jun-14 08:27:24

I'm not normally one who cries LTB, but in this case, I'd be telling him to leave until he sorts himself out. Depression or not, his behaviour is a form of emotional abuse to you, and he needs to decide whether the relationship is worth the effort to him.

whois Tue 17-Jun-14 08:29:36

Who looks after the DCs at the moment?

I think I'd probably think about having a 'trial' separation, like you say he would probably find the motivation to get work if he was only on JSA and had the job centre breathing down his neck.

twentyten Tue 17-Jun-14 08:30:33

I didn't mean Ltb although that's got to be a thought- but getting him outside interacting with people. If he was a child you would be limiting screen time etc? You must look after you.

LIZS Tue 17-Jun-14 08:33:47

Surprised after 4 years he hasn't been mandated to undertake back to work courses and activities ie . support groups to write CVs , how to submit online applications, confidence and interview techniques, basic IT etc. Do you have a Children's Centre nearby , they may well run/host courses for parents and carers, employed or unemployed, and have links with charities which run free workshops. Also many FE courses are free to those on JSA/ESA. Volunteering is a good way to build elf esteem , change direction and make contacts for future employment but he may be limited as to the number of hours he can do without losing benefit.

sunshinecity17 Tue 17-Jun-14 09:09:47

Does he look after your DC while you are at work?

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 09:32:57

When I was working he did look after the dcs but he was always texting me while I was at work telling me to come home. Like its that easy to just come home.

Bogeyface Tue 17-Jun-14 09:49:32

So he doesnt work, doesnt like looking after the kids so you can work, does no housework and plays on a playstation all day.

Does he have any redeeming features at all? Because at the moment you seem to be living with a teenager.

BMW6 Tue 17-Jun-14 09:56:39

Depressed my arse. Cocklodger more like.

I suggest you kick him out for the sake of you and your DC's. And you never know it might shake him out of his "depression", the poor thing. angry

ilovesooty Tue 17-Jun-14 10:50:17

I can't see what he adds to your life at all.
I'd be telling him to find his nearest National Careers Service adviser, book ana and get the following lined up:
Help with cv
IT course
Literacy and numeracy course if he doesn't have those qualifications
Volunteering opportunity

If those aren't in place within a month I'd be telling him to prepare for life on his own on jsa where he'll be mandated to do those things.

ilovesooty Tue 17-Jun-14 10:51:25

Sorry - book an appointment with a National Careers Service adviser...

SugarMouse1 Tue 17-Jun-14 10:51:43

Will you be much better off if he does get another job, anyway?

how is he with the kids?

CheeryName Tue 17-Jun-14 10:57:16

Your life doesn't have to be like this. Get rid of him. He is dragging you down. Your depression will improve and your life will be better and your children's lives will be better. I know it's easier said than done, it will be hard at first but a massive improvement in the medium and long term.

DrainedandHadEnough Tue 17-Jun-14 10:57:53

Redeeming features. He's good looking i suppose, but I want so much more than that. I want us to have a normal life because this isn't normal.

DCs are 3 and 1, both boys. I want their dad to be a role model to them but he just isn't. It's so sad sad

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