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To not have the emotional energy for 'proper' friendships?

(37 Posts)
LoganMountstuart Mon 16-Jun-14 18:26:09

When I was at university I had lots of friends who I spent ages talking to about everything under the sun and lots of personal stuff. Now, a few years on, I just don't have the energy for that sort of best-friend relationships other people talk about, where you talk about personal stuff all the time and spend lots of time together. I've got a husband, and obviously I talk to him about life and problems etc. and the same with a couple of close family members. but I don't feel the need to do this with anyone else.

I have lots of acquaintances and social friends, some of whom I see very often. But I'm discovering I'm quite a private person and don't want to talk about anything 'serious'. I'd rather keep social interaction light and amusing. This doesn't seem to have affected my popularity - people still seem to want to meet up with me - but sometimes I wonder whether I should make an effort to foster friendships with more emotional depth. Just wondering how normal I am really!

scarletforya Mon 16-Jun-14 18:34:29

I'm similar. I don't want/need to talk about anything really. Deep or shallow. Even small talk at work can drain me.

MrWalletwithMothsonboard Mon 16-Jun-14 18:48:27

Me too. I have found best friends relationships way too demanding. People getting all huffy because you forgot to send a birthday card or have not spoken for a week!

I simply don't have the space in my head for it at all. I do sometimes wonder if I have a problem?

IWillYeah Mon 16-Jun-14 18:49:56

Yep. Most of the time I am the same.

ThrowAChickenInTheAir Mon 16-Jun-14 18:58:31

Me to. I also avoid facebook. It all looks so exhausting.

KeepOnPloddingOn Mon 16-Jun-14 19:09:56

I have many friends and lots of female family I am close to, Ido feel a bit exhausted myself for that sort of intense best friend friendship I see others partake in. I feel I left that behind a while ago... And I am only mid twenties! I am a rather open person too and sociable. I just like lots of friends - bit not intense / demanding friendships and tbh I think most in my situation (married/ babies etc) are the same. No time!

Cruikshank Mon 16-Jun-14 19:14:56

I couldn't do without my close friends - there are a handful of people who I would say that I genuinely love, admire, respect and cherish and I would hate to lose them. Have plenty of other acquaintances as well, but a few I really hold dear. I don't feel like I'm 'making an effort' either - I want to get in touch with them, see them, spend time with them. I'm single though, which is probably why it's different.

CheerfulYank Mon 16-Jun-14 19:22:08

Yanbu, if you don't want close friendships that's your business. smile

I have a friend like this...she is great to meet for dinner and a chat every now and then but doesn't want to do the "talking til 2 a.m. with a bottle of wine" thing that the rest of us do. It's fine, but then she gets upset when some of us are closer to each other than her.

As long as you don't do that, you're good. smile

Cruikshank Mon 16-Jun-14 19:24:38

Oops yes CheerfulYank's post has prompted me to say that yanbu - everyone has different attitudes to friendships, and everyone has different life circumstances. As long as you're happy with how your life is, and you aren't actively hurting anyone, then it's fine.

LoganMountstuart Mon 16-Jun-14 19:25:44

Oh I can do quite a lot of socialising and chatting , but I just keep my secrets and barely ever tell friends about my personal problems.

Thenapoleonofcrime Mon 16-Jun-14 19:28:13

You have obviously got good friendships- with your husband and a couple of close family members, so it's not really a question of not having the emotional energy is it, it's more that you have those needs met by those about you and you don't need additional friends. That's something quite different than not needing to share at all and you sound a little dismissive of those who do need or like to share emotionally with friends outside the family.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 16-Jun-14 19:28:26

That's fine if you're willing to accept that what you put in you will get the same out of those friendships. Things change and you may need these friends one day, they may not be willing to offer you a lot.

Thenapoleonofcrime Mon 16-Jun-14 19:29:45

As to whether you should foster these friendships-why if you are happy with your existing circle, it sounds lovely to be close to husband and family. You are not isolated or anti-social so I don't really think there is an issue.

cardibach Mon 16-Jun-14 19:35:30

MrWallet you have the wrong friends...real friends wouldn't huff about birthday cards - and if they are real friends you wouldn't forget anyway unless you had a good reason.
I haven't the emotional energy to do without good friends. I value their support and hope they value mine. Bit of an odd attitude, I think, although the OP at least has those relationships with DH and family.
YANBU if that's how you feel, but IAABS (I am a bit sad) for you.

MrWalletwithMothsonboard Mon 16-Jun-14 19:48:44

Oh don't be sad. I meant on top of my work which is very sociable, and close relationships with two lovely sisters, a DIL and various aquaintences. I did have a bad experience with someone once who ended up coming round and phoning every day and wanting to go everywhere with me.

It must be lovely if you do have a proper friendship with respect for boundaries etc.

MrWalletwithMothsonboard Mon 16-Jun-14 19:52:49

Oh don't be sad. I meant on top of my work which is very sociable, and close relationships with two lovely sisters, a DIL and various aquaintences. I did have a bad experience with someone once who ended up coming round and phoning every day and wanting to go everywhere with me.

It must be lovely if you do have a proper friendship with respect for boundaries etc.

MrWalletwithMothsonboard Mon 16-Jun-14 19:53:30


coffeeinbed Mon 16-Jun-14 20:02:18

I can't do it.

I used to have some very close friends but now I can't face investing the time and the energy I used to.
I did miss it for a while, but I feel free now.

Of course I might just be a selfish cow.

heraldgerald Mon 16-Jun-14 20:17:38

Me too

whois Mon 16-Jun-14 20:24:56

Not u at all. Some relationships are deep, but some friendships you can have a lovely evening and lots of fun with someone without needing to be all deep and meaningful. You can enjoy people's company and be happy to hang out without feeling like you have to text every day or whatever.

DarkHeart Mon 16-Jun-14 20:45:52

I am the same. I have discovered I am quite an insular person and find close friendships exhausting. Until recently I had a friend who constantly wanted to talk about the serious stuff, we are no longer in contact for different reasons but I have found it a great relief not to have someone so needy around. I often worry it makes me a selfish person but I can't help it.

littlegreengloworm Mon 16-Jun-14 20:51:40

I have become more insular as I've got older. Two very close friendships aren't as close anymore. We don't have much in common. I'm so tired and also private. One of the friends is so nosy I hate telling her anything. When you tell her stuff, it comes sick at you the following week with a snide comment. She moaned and moaned all the time (we all like an odd letting off steam session but this was relentless)

Is all too much hard work sad

HayDayQueen Mon 16-Jun-14 21:13:16

I thought I was becoming like that, but I've managed to make a friend who is on my wave length, out of the blue. It was such a nice surprise. We get along really well. Bonus is our sons do too, as do our DH's. So sometimes we even let them share in our outings!!!

PrincessBabyCat Mon 16-Jun-14 21:21:30

I have a bunch of acquaintances but very few close friends. Most of my conversations are pretty shallow, I don't do the bottle of wine until 2am talks. But I'm happy with that. I don't need more than 1 or 2 close friends to keep me happy in life. smile

TheHorseHasBolted Mon 16-Jun-14 23:10:16

YANBU - in fact I think you sound very similar to me in a lot of ways and I'm feeling rather relieved that perhaps IANBU after all!

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