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Friend changing plans to go out to dinner at hers

(56 Posts)
Redmamma Mon 16-Jun-14 14:58:25

6 months ago I introduced my friend (friend A) to my NCT group as she was feeling lonely since all her mum friends had gone back to work. She has one DD who is the same age as ours (2yrs). She has since become part of the group and comes to all the picnics, BBQs, brunches, etc.

Last week one of the group suggested all the mums went out to dinner as we hardly ever meet up all together these days. Everyone settled on this Thursday as the best day. Friend A emailed this morning saying she is broke and would we be able to come to hers for a ready meal and DVD on Thursday instead (and give her some money). The trouble is I think most of the group were really wanting to go out as we all spend lots of time at home in the evenings and somehow going to hers for a ready meal doesn’t sound so exciting.

Am I being unreasonable to think she should just stick to the plan this time and not commit herself to events she can’t afford in future – or just not come? Also how do we tell her we want to stick to the plan of going out? I also feel like because she is ‘new’ to the group everyone will start to resent her for doing this kind of thing (she’s done it before with drinks out).

KoalaDownUnder Mon 16-Jun-14 16:05:44

What DejaVu said.

I think it's kind of selfish to expect everyone to come to her house and make do with a ready meal (yuck).

stripedtortoise Mon 16-Jun-14 16:11:52

I don't see anything wrong with what she's suggested particulary. Apart from asking people to pay for a ready meal. That's a bit odd. But other than that, if she was a friend of mine, I'd appreciate she was skint and go along with her idea. Or I'd offer to pay for her meal (if you're able) and get the money back at later date.

To be honest, your post seems like you might be a bit put out that you introduced your friend to your NCT mates and she's getting on well with them and organising things at her place. It's really hard being a newbie and NCT groups are known for bitches, so I think you should cut her some slack.

Redmamma Mon 16-Jun-14 16:17:56

Striped - I don't think shes getting on with them that well tbh. my first reaction was 'oh that's a shame but it's more important that we all see each other I will wait to see what the others say before saying ok'. Then one of the others said they had been looking forward to going out but ok.. And then I saw two of the others today who said they were peed off and didn't want to go to hers as they don't get many 'nights off' from the DC

rookiemater Mon 16-Jun-14 16:40:37

NCT groups are known for bitches hmm - really? As far as I am aware they are a group of women who have been through classes together, no more likely to be bitches than any other group.

Another thought - you could suggest she comes along for coffee rather than the meal - a mum at our class get togethers does that.Or she maybe doesn't know how much Zizzis is with a voucher - usually half price so could get a main course for less than a tenner.

PrimalLass Mon 16-Jun-14 16:42:25

Could you go to Pizza Express and use Tesco vouchers?

PrimalLass Mon 16-Jun-14 16:43:46

I would say, Ok we really would prefer to go out so let's see how we can make it work.

zipzap Mon 16-Jun-14 16:47:13

If you've spoken to most of the rest of the group and they're in agreement with you that they want to have a proper night out, then I think it's fine to say that actually, no, this time you want to stick to the original arrangements but that next time the group meet up during the week you can all sort out a night in - be it a pot luck supper, bbq etc. Say that as you've got the voucher for a cheap night out this time you want to make use of it, if she doesn't want to come then no worries, it's not compulsory and you'll see her soon. Then get everyone to send a similar message.

If she's done it before then definitely need to nip it in the bud now otherwise you might find that she will always agree to go out to things and then decide at the last minute that she doesn't want to pay so changes it to be something that is easy for her - and the rest of you will never get your night out!

Charging a fiver sounds like she is wanting to make money from the evening in that she is having as well as the ease of staying in her own home and the 'glory' of hosting. Talking about having your cake and eating it and charging for it too grin

Inertia Mon 16-Jun-14 16:48:06

I don't think it's unreasonable to say that you've made the plans for this time, but maybe next time you could make plans to do a bring-a-dish type arrangement at someone's house (the paying for a Tesco pizza at someone's house is a bit of an unusual suggestion though!)

zipzap Mon 16-Jun-14 16:55:54

oops, cross posted with several posts there.

In this case then, I think it's fine to say that this time, the majority vote is to carry on with the pre-agreed plans as the rest of you had been so looking forward to it and that you're looking forward to a restaurant meal rather than a ready meal. But that you'll all arrange a night in together one night soon.

If she really wants to go then she will postpone going out with her dh or save up.
If she doesn't want to go then she won't.
If it's a control thing that she is trying to bend the group to do what she wants then tough, the rest of the group have spoken! I think it's fine to go with what the majority want, particularly as it was the original plan. Just be cheery and upbeat about it, say thanks for the offer but no thanks this time and we'll look forward to seeing you soon even if you're not by the sound of it!

Redmamma Mon 16-Jun-14 17:13:58

I'm really glad we are not being unreasonable. I feel like I am supportive to her - I have her DD 7-8am twice a week because she has to go to work before her DM can get to her house. I just feel like she's taking it too far by trying to cancel everyone's night out because she can't afford it.

She did do it with drinks once - three of us were supposed to go to the pub and she then opened the invitation to the rest of the group for wine at hers. None of them could make it and then she cancelled the whole thing at the last minute.

The comment about NCT being bitchy is not true in my experience. The women I met have been such a support to me these past two years.

Fortheloveofralph Mon 16-Jun-14 17:22:57

Text back 'Sorry don't fancy pizza/takeaway in, am desperate for a nice meal out. Why don't you come out for pudding or a drink after to make things cheaper'

dustarr73 Mon 16-Jun-14 17:30:31

She sounds monneygrabbing to me.You would be cheaper if you were going to hers to order a takeaway at least you could have what you want.

Go out dont give in to her,i hate people like this new to the group and try and change your arrangements.Tell her she can come along tot eh next one,which will be at her house and you all bring a dish.

YouTheCat Mon 16-Jun-14 17:34:16

I think she's holding out for you lot to cave and go to hers or to offer to pay for her meal. Either way I'd just say you were all looking forward to going to a restaurant to eat but would arrange something cheaper next time.

Redmamma Tue 17-Jun-14 08:55:00

The friend was supposed to be coming over for coffee this morning but has just sent a text 'can't make it today, sorry'. No kisses or anything (she usually puts one or two).

I also emailed everyone last night to say that as everyone was excited bout going out we could not split the bill as usual and just all pay for what we eat/drink. She has not replied to this.

I'm really worried I've upset her and I feel quite childish about the kisses thing. Is it normal to feel hurt by the text she sent?

eddielizzard Tue 17-Jun-14 09:01:33

stay strong. she's probably a bit miffed but hopefully realising that doing this isn't on.

i wouldn't be happy going to someone's house for a ready meal when a night out was planned. and i had to pay for someone else's choice!

flipchart Tue 17-Jun-14 09:02:59

Your overthinking it.
Yes she maybe sulking but so what. Your an adult and stated your preference. Nowt wrong with that.

OliviaBenson Tue 17-Jun-14 09:03:03

Seriously you are worrying too much over this. You can't be responsible for her all the time. Why are her feelings more important that the wishes/feelings of the rest of the group who want to go out to eat?

I'd text back, saying that's a shame, ask her if she's ok and arrange the coffee for another time.

Isabelleforyourbicycle Tue 17-Jun-14 09:05:10

She probably knows she was pushing her luck with the alternative plan and now is a bit embarrassed. Don't worry about the text kisses (although I too over analysis stuff like that)...move on, this will blow over.

Enjoy your night out and the company of those supportive friends you've made, focus on that instead.

(Wishes I had had a decent NCT group envy

Redmamma Tue 17-Jun-14 09:17:04

Thanks for the replies. I'm going to try not to make it awkward and just act like nothing is wrong. I think it's difficult because I have this feeling that deep down we might be being a bit unreasonable/unkind and so I feel a bit guilty. I suppose I just always want to please everyone

MooncupGoddess Tue 17-Jun-14 09:19:45

You're totally in the right here so don't be guilt-tripped! Enjoy your night out.

Dubjackeen Tue 17-Jun-14 09:23:00

Enjoy your night out. Sounds like everyone has been looking forward to it, so go for it. I've never heard of charging someone to eat a ready meal in their home. She could be onto something there, buy a few three for two offer and charge everyone full price wink

I'm sure the xxs will reappear on the text messages when she needs you to mind her daughter, so don't worry about that. If she wants to sulk because you didn't all agree to cancelling your night out, to pay for a ready meal in her home, so be it.

MsVestibule Tue 17-Jun-14 09:37:27

Yes, she's definitely sulking. Not putting kisses on texts is what I do when I'm sulking, so I know what I'm talking about grin.

Honestly, just ignore her behaviour. Let her sulk as long as she wants to; she'll get over it. You've stated your case, the rest of your friends agree with you, she's not happy, she'll get over it.

dustarr73 Tue 17-Jun-14 09:39:38

I wouldnt worry about her,she wants to guilt trip you in to giving in to her.If you give in now the next time will be harder to stand your ground.And everybody pays for their own is the best way to do it

CustardFromATin Tue 17-Jun-14 09:47:12

She is bu. It was a good idea to suggest about the paying for your own too - I wish more of my friends would do this, with 3 little ones we're never flush with cash, and I'm not drinking as feeding, so would definitely head out more if there was a chance to order a starter, drink some water and not pay for everyone else's main courses and bubbles!

You sound considerate, balls in her court now...

bleedingheart Tue 17-Jun-14 09:54:28

You aren't being unreasonable so please don't feel guilty OP.

Could she have seen this thread?

Maybe she has realised others aren't happy with the change and is sulking now!

I've had some experience of people changing plans because of the cost but IME it is rarely people who actually do have money worries who do this. They me usually say no straight out as they don't want to hold others back or they juggle their finances and buy the cheapest meal they can.

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