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to be really upset by PIL - big falling out

(50 Posts)
cheerioscheerios Sun 15-Jun-14 22:00:58

PIL live overseas and are here on a visit, they are fairly judgemental and tricky but I try really hard with them in general for the sake of DH and our kids - the final straw happened y'day, They were supposed to stay with us one night last week and found out y'day that they actually stayed in a hotel and got the rest of family to lie to us and pretend they had stayed with BIL and his wife- why would you do that when you could have spent a night with your grandchildren who you very rarely see?? It all came to a head last night and we (mainly me) had a big argument with them. I feel really hurt by how they have behaved (quite a few other things have happened to) but now I am regretting having an argument and feel I should have just let them behave badly and ignore it until they go home again. Just feel miserable about the whole thing tonight

gordyslovesheep Sun 15-Jun-14 22:03:34

jesus seriously - if you overreact like this all the time there may be a reason why they a) chose not to stay and b) didn't tell you

calm down

MaryWestmacott Sun 15-Jun-14 22:05:23

Erm, they are here on holiday and wanted to spend one night in a nice hotel as a couple, sorry but unless there's lots of backstory to explain why they shouldn't do this, I think you might be in the wrong for getting shouty.

Being a guest in someone else's house, even if that someone else is family, can be stressful for a lot of people, wanting to spend a night in a hotel relaxing between family visits isn't odd. perhaps they wanted to be able to have noisy sex

I understand you feel upset but your reaction is way OTT.

Pumpkinpositive Sun 15-Jun-14 22:06:23

Is it possible they find you (and your husband) equally difficult, or at the very least, are aware of how difficult the relationship is and didn't want add more strain by 'imposing' on you?

What they did sounds a bit strange but suggests to me that they too may find the relationship tricky. Were they staying with other relatives during the trip?

Ohhelpohnoitsa Sun 15-Jun-14 22:06:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tentedjuno Sun 15-Jun-14 22:06:55

Perhaps they just thought they would spare you all the work involved in having them staying with you.

Without knowing what other things they did to annoy, it is hard to say who is BU.

MidniteScribbler Sun 15-Jun-14 22:08:26

They sound like quite considerate PIL to me. Any sensible person knows that being a guest in someone's home is quite an imposition. All the time on here you read threads where people have said 'tell them to stay in a hotel'. They have done exactly that, and it's still not good enough for you.

It's not your role to get upset by this. If your husband has a problem with it, then HE needs to take it up with them, and you need to stay out of it.

pictish Sun 15-Jun-14 22:09:30

With what little I have to go on, I think it's up to them where they stay and their dil has no business getting shirty about it.

Waswondering Sun 15-Jun-14 22:10:57

Have they been staying with people night after night! If so, the anonymity of some "own time" in a hotel might have been appealing.

starfishmummy Sun 15-Jun-14 22:11:01

Given how many people post in here would prefer their in laws to stay in a hotel I think YABU

WorraLiberty Sun 15-Jun-14 22:11:27

I absolutely hate staying in other people's homes and always opt for a nearby hotel.

Why do you think they felt the need to lie?

Was it because they thought you'd be offended?

pictish Sun 15-Jun-14 22:12:27

Yes...why the lie?

MrsBungle Sun 15-Jun-14 22:12:54

I don't understand why you had a blazing row about this. I can see why you'd be perturbed they lied about it. Maybe they didn't fancy staying at yours - is it worth a big falling out?

SavoyCabbage Sun 15-Jun-14 22:15:43

What would you have said if they has told you they were going to stay in a hotel beforehand.

It's exhausting doing these visits. Everyone wants to see you and you have to be 'on' all the time.

Delphiniumsblue Sun 15-Jun-14 22:16:48

Perhaps they lied because they thought you would take it badly. I can't see the problem.

ThePinkOcelot Sun 15-Jun-14 22:18:17

Personally, I would rather stay in a hotel as hate staying in other peoples houses. However, I don't think they should have lied to you. They should have said they had booked in to a hotel. Sorry you are upset.

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease Sun 15-Jun-14 22:19:00

I don't think that this is necessarily a snub towards your family. Don't take it personally, perhaps apologise?

deakymom Sun 15-Jun-14 22:55:37

to lie is one thing to get everyone else to lie is uncalled for they can stay in a hotel every time

i would take it as a snub

Pancakeflipper Sun 15-Jun-14 23:01:20

Might be a reason like they want a comfy bed?

Is there a back history to this?

MexicanSpringtime Sun 15-Jun-14 23:03:03

People either lie to avoid giving offence or lie to avoid trouble. It sounds like they didn't want to be shouted at.

wheresthelight Sun 15-Jun-14 23:04:24

i think you may need to give a bit more background as to what the issues are as without it this looks like you have massively over reacted.

they were wrong to lie and make everyone else lie to you, but they may just have not wanted to hurt your feelings and gone about it all wrong? maybe they wanted a good nights sleep and felt that with kids around that wouldn't happen at yours?

without being nasty - could they just not like your kids? Just because they are their grandchildren doesn't mean they are programmed to like them!! are they badly behaved? DP could never understand why his family avoided him, exw and his kids - it was explained to me after a long time that they couldn't stand the kids behaviour and the fact their rudeness and bad behaviour went unchecked because their dm doesn't believe in discipline and dp got fed up of being undermined so left her to it. Could this be an issue for your inlaws?

Bogeyface Sun 15-Jun-14 23:06:55

I can understand why the OP is pissed off. It probably isnt the hotel stay as such but the fact that the whole family knew and were told to lie. I would feel humiliated and embarrassed, and like a fool.

Why lie about it? Why not just say "We really want to see the kids but would prefer to stay in a hotel"? It does seem like a snub tbh, because if it wasnt, why not just tell the truth?

3littlefrogs Sun 15-Jun-14 23:07:09

I hate staying in people's houses and would always opt for a hotel if possible. I like my privacy (and my own bathroom).

Berryglitter Sun 15-Jun-14 23:08:36

Yes, yes you are. Maybe they wanted a quiet night. Judging by your post i can kind of see why.

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