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To allow my DIL to leave and take my grandchildren?.

(44 Posts)
1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 01:06:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabULouse Sun 15-Jun-14 01:10:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RhondaJean Sun 15-Jun-14 01:13:29

So why was your dil running down the street distressed and what had your son done?

I don't think either you or your counterpart are helping here.

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 01:15:49

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RhondaJean Sun 15-Jun-14 01:17:06

I don't think you are being honest with yourself here.

Why did Thr neighbour take your dil in?

ilovesooty Sun 15-Jun-14 01:26:11

What addiction problems does your older grand daughter have?

Jinsei Sun 15-Jun-14 01:26:42

It certainly seems like there is more to this story that we don't know. Why was your dil so distressed that the neighbour felt the need to take her in?

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 01:28:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty Sun 15-Jun-14 01:34:00

I'm wondering why your DIL was so distressed and what part your son had in this. It sounds really distressing for the children.

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 01:34:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RhondaJean Sun 15-Jun-14 01:35:29

I certainly don't mean to make you feel worse but your son has obviously done something to upset your dil and I don't think you are quit recognising that yet.

Also I'm afraid it's not up to you to decide to "let" your dil go, or your fc either.

You really really need to step back, both for your own sake from what you have just posted, and for theirs.

If you are getting abuse from your counterpart contact the police.

Any support you offer your older grandchild is unrelated to this situation.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Sun 15-Jun-14 01:37:50

I think op is taking a bit of a bashing here.

Am I right in thinking you have has ds, his dw, and their two dc under your roof for at least 13 years, plus ds' dd from an earlier relationship for however long? And it's only now blown up in your face? Can I ask if you're from a culture where multi-generational cohabiting is usual?

Sounds like you're caught up in an emotional drama not of your making.

ilovesooty Sun 15-Jun-14 01:42:13

I think it all sounds very complex and difficult to understand if you're not living it. Very upsetting for all involved.

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 01:47:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aderynlas Sun 15-Jun-14 01:49:06

So sorry this is all happening op. Hope your family find a way through this sad situation.

Fideliney Sun 15-Jun-14 01:51:44

You can't NOT allow a grown woman to leave though.

So what can you be criticized for?

Can you not take a step back and refuse to be drawn in to it all?

ilovesooty Sun 15-Jun-14 01:55:53

It sounds as though you're trying your best to provide a stable home but the situation has placed unsustainable strain on their relationship. I hope things come to a calmer solution.

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 01:58:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiscellaneousAssortment Sun 15-Jun-14 02:01:11

Wow, it sounds like a mess. There appear to be multiple issues going on with different family members and some strong family dynamics at work.

But your posts have a strange gap about your son and his wife. I don't quite get what's going on and I wonder why there is nothing written about it. I suspect this is the core of it and everything else is peripheral. The other grand mother sounds hideous and you should just ignore, but feels very much like a side issue and needs starving of the attention that feeds it.

People don't generally run down the road hysterical in night clothes unless there is something truly awful happening. I would be more worried about that than Facebook rubbish.

You don't say what your attitude is to your dil, or to the breakup, which makes me wonder if all is not well between you and her?

It must be hard to give the couple enough space and independence to have their own relationship.

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 02:01:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Sun 15-Jun-14 02:08:28

OK, I understand. You've bent over backwards for years (from your pov) and "things" have evolved, I totally understand that; my situ in no way comparable but I have a dil (and, frankly, ds, her dp) who took, and took, and took, until suddenly I wasn't needed any more, and we are now NC. She and ds moved out, eventually, and are still together, so again not the same, but by god you have my sympathy.

I'm not sure there's anything I can add to that, but I do feel for you. flowers

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 02:08:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fideliney Sun 15-Jun-14 02:12:37

I believe you're genuine 1944. I'm sure everyone does.

Maybe it is one of those situations where the dust needs to settle? It sounds as though it has all been extremely stressful.

RhondaJean Sun 15-Jun-14 02:13:53

I completely believe you are genuine.

I think you have gone above and beyond what can be expected as well.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Sun 15-Jun-14 02:22:32

I recognise Op's name, and also believe she's genuine.

I also think problems like this will increase in future, as "older people" have no option but to allow their adult dc to stay "at home" for much longer than my generation did (left home at 17 in 1979) and when those dc decide to pair up and have babies, what do the "older people", with their larger homes, mortgages paid off, do? Chuck their dc and dgc into the streets? Or try and make it work?

And if the dc's relationship breaks down, as is all too common and has happened here, what do those "older people" do; watch their dgc sofasurf with the parent who has left (could be either mum or dad) or try to keep some sort of consistency and continuity (schools, nearby friends etc) for the dgc in a time of turmoil?

The "bedroom tax" has a lot to answer for. angry

OP, I hope you're sleeping, or if still reading, at least feel a little calmer.

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