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to not know whether to celebrate or cry?

(30 Posts)
Maryz Fri 13-Jun-14 21:33:49

dd finished her exams today. She has finished school. Her room is full of the detritus of the last 14 years. In another week she will be an adult and I will be redundant.

All my hard work has paid off - she's a lovely kid. But I miss my baby, I'm worried about where she will end up, I don't want her to leave the country and I'm feeling slightly superfluous to requirements.

On the other hand, the fucking awful exams are over and we have the summer to look forward to.

I'm never happy, am I?


She will always be your baby. You will always be crucial to her happiness and you will always worry about her. (So my mum says, and she's 94).

softlysoftly Fri 13-Jun-14 21:37:37

You will never ever be redundant you know.

At 36 I am awaiting the first labour pains of Dd3 to ring my mummy so she can come have DD1&2 while I'm in for 2 days, she only went home 2 weeks ago after helping look after chicken pox covered Dds while I finished work.

In the meantime she has helped DSis 2 with her 2 kids while she worked on end of term stuff (teacher), dog sat for DSIS1 and still has DSIS3 living at home until she sorts out what she wants to do with her future.

I think she'd quite like to be redundant grin

Cocolepew Fri 13-Jun-14 21:39:29

Mine finished high school yesterday, shes hoping to go to 6th form.
She actually lifted all the papers off her floor today shock

FayeKorgasm Fri 13-Jun-14 21:39:43

You won't ever be redundant, though it is such a big change for you both.

Watch them fly, it is why we have them after all. That said my fledgling is back at home after graduating and is now working hard and saving even harder. <proud mum>

OP, I have read your threads for years and you sound like a brilliant and supportive parent.

Maryz Fri 13-Jun-14 21:41:58

Thank you all smile

I know in my heart this is just a beginning, but it still makes me a bit sad.

Which is ridiculous really, because my fear for ds is that he will never fly the nest.

I still have my baby baby at home even if he is about 6 inches taller than me

eosmum Fri 13-Jun-14 21:42:45

Well done getting through the exams. If it's any consolation dd did her leaving 3 years ago ( going into 4th year in college) and seems to need me and want to spend time with me more now than as a teenager. We even met for lunch

WelshMaenad Fri 13-Jun-14 21:43:49

I'm 33, I just lost my mum.

She was never redundant, not even for a moment.

Have a lovely summer with your girl.

ExitPursuedByABear Fri 13-Jun-14 21:45:31

What is she planning to do?

mathanxiety Fri 13-Jun-14 21:59:00

DD1 finished up high school in 2008 and has hardly been home since even though her university was in the same city. She has always managed to have a job, and getting there in summers required subletting a room close to the job. I gave her a crash course in cooking a few nutritious meals and contributed a saucepan and frying pan. She graduated in 2012, is working, paying her own way, paying off her university loans, and getting on with her life in a city that is about 14 hours away by car. I'd love to see more of her but she has her own life to lead. Even when she was a little 4 yo girl she used to tell me about the apartment she would have when she got to the magical age of 18 -- time flies..

DS will be the next out of university and I am crossing my fingers that this will be the start of the rest of his life -- away from home and possibly miles from here -- for him too. I've had DS at home for summers and college breaks as he has been able to get a local job, and while it's fun and nice to have him around, we are both aware that this is a kind of limbo. I am encouraging DD2 to get some sort of internship or summer work in the city where she is in university (same one where DD1 lives as it turns out). It would be really good for her to fend for herself, learn to cook, etc. I have a friend whose DS went to school all the way through with DS - he dropped out of college, lost all his jobs one after another, and spends his days on his mother's couch. I know there's a happy medium, but I think 18 is a good age to spread your wings and certainly by the time you're out of university I think getting on your own feet is a must.

Backtobedlam Fri 13-Jun-14 22:04:09

This is making me feel teary and mine are no where near ready to leave home. I guess it's like the other milestones in their lives-I remember crying and feeling totally useless when mine started school, but it soon passes as you adjust and get used to new roles. Your children will always need their mum, just in different ways.

mathanxiety Fri 13-Jun-14 22:06:07

x-posted with your post about your DS -- no offence meant with my comment about my friend's DS Maryz.

To explain -- he (along with her other children) has always been sort of smothered by my friend and never encouraged to achieve anything or even do his own laundry at home because she wants everyone living at home until they marry, not to save money on university fees or accommodation but to allow her to be 'mother' in the sense of being a mother to much younger children. This has backfired on her DS who doesn't have the confidence to try to make a life for himself.


Maryz Fri 13-Jun-14 22:06:29

flowers Welsh, sorry about your mum.

She wants to go to university, Exit, but the way it works in Ireland is a bit messy - she won't have any idea until the end of August.

I would love her to stay in Ireland, but competition for places is ridiculous so she might end up in the UK.

She is pretty independent, has a part time job etc, I'm sure she will be fine wherever she goes. And most Irish kids don't go far for college - they lull their parents into a false sense of security and then feck off to Australia at the age of 21 hmm

Maryz Fri 13-Jun-14 22:07:44

That's ok math, ds1 is a bit different, I'm not sure he'll ever manage to be fully independent sad but that's due to his AS not to my smothering I'd love him to move out [sob]

thegreylady Fri 13-Jun-14 22:10:07

I am typing this sitting on the sofa in my 'baby's' house while I babysit her two boys. My baby will be 40 this year and my pfb is 44. I have never ever felt redundant. Dd still asks for a cuddle sometimes smile

Szeli Fri 13-Jun-14 22:13:29

Despite us being 24, 25, 26, 29 and 31 and my ma wanting a bungalow she's rattling around her 4 bed house 'just in case' we need the rooms. Mummy's are always on it.

ladymariner Fri 13-Jun-14 22:17:15

I know exactly what you mean Op, my ds has all bit finished his exams, last one next week, and then that's it....the wait to find out if he's got the grades to go to university.

I really want him to go because he wants to go and all I want is for him to be happy. He has deliberately chosen one that is far enough away to be independent but near enough to come home when he wants to (his choice, dh and I left it totally up to him) as he is a home bird, but I have no doubt that he will fling himself into uni life wholeheartedly, just like he does everything else which is brilliant.

However, there is a part of me which would sell my soul to be able to do it all again with him, to relive his childhood which was so happy for us all. I do feel incredibly emotional, and a little weepy which I am absolutely keeping to myself, as I want him to go off without wondering how I am dealing with it.

I love my ds!!!

Maryz Fri 13-Jun-14 22:18:19

I'm beginning to think being redundant might be a good thing ...

Mumsnet never fails to cheer me up grin

Maryz Fri 13-Jun-14 22:19:37

x-posted, lady.

It really is a mish mash of mixed emotions, isn't it?

mathanxiety Fri 13-Jun-14 22:22:25

My mum sat on her 3 bedroom semi all through the boom years in Dublin when she could have sold it for twice what it would fetch now 'just in case' we all managed to get over for a visit..

Musicaltheatremum Fri 13-Jun-14 22:22:40

My 21 year old daughter still needs me. She has been so busy this term we have not spoken much. I'm loving having my son back for the summer too. I am lucky. They are wonderful kids and having lost their dad 2 years ago I am so glad to have them.

Maryz Fri 13-Jun-14 22:34:32

I'm considering moving out of my house to a lovely small country cottage and leaving them to it, math grin

Sorry about your dh, Musical flowers

MoominAndMiniMoom Fri 13-Jun-14 22:37:25

Mums will never be redundant - mine was at the birth of her first grandchild 2 months ago and I couldn't have done it without her smile

CateBlanket Fri 13-Jun-14 22:47:16

ladymariner - what a beautiful post!

DramaAlpaca Fri 13-Jun-14 22:48:45

Awww, Maryz, I have a good idea how you are feeling having been through the trials & tribulations of the Leaving Certificate thread with you.

I, too, have been looking at a horrendously messy room belonging to DS2 and wondering where he'll be off to in September.

You sound like an amazing mum & your DD will always love you & need you.


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