I'm 23 and I left school seven years ago so you would think that would be plenty of time to get over anything that happened in school.
I was badly bullied pretty much all throughout secondary school. It actually started in the last two years of primary school but it was pretty mild at that point - just name calling by one or two people. However when I started secondary school it pretty much all took off. It wasn't one or two people any more, it was pretty much a good portion of the year group who bullied me every day and those who didn't were too afraid to be friends with me in case they were next.
I won't go into too much detail but the bullying continued all the way from Year 7 to year 11 and it's embarrassing to say this but it still effects me today even though I know it was just silly school kid stuff and I should be over it by now.
It's not even necessarily big stuff, it's more subtle. For instance I'm always highly suspicious of anyone who wants to be friends with me because I have no self esteem and I always wonder why they would want to be friends with me. I think it's because I spent so long being hated by so many people. It's the same with relationships - I'm always suspicious of any man who shows an interest in me. At school boys would always ask me out as a joke whilst everyone would be standing around laughing. Then the boys would always laugh too and say things like "only joking, hamster, no one in their right mind would ever go out with you, you're too ugly!" which would cue more laughter. When I did start going out with someone for real everyone found this hilarious and I spent the whole time with people coming up to me asking if my boyfriend was blind, on happy pills, needed glasses or was just insane. So now whenever anybody appears interested in me I always think it's all part of some big joke and wonder how anyone could be attracted to me. This stems from being asked out as a joke so many times for so long and being told how ugly I was and how nobody could be attracted to me.
I can still remember every single nasty name they called me and everything that was said about me. I still live in the same town as some of them and see them sometimes and I'm always terrified that they're going to start hurling abuse at me just like they used to.
I did try telling the teachers several times but I don't think they cared because they never actually did anything. Once in PE a girl hit me hard with a rounders bat right in front of the teacher but the teacher didn't do anything about it. Another time a boy decided he didn't want me sitting in front of him so he picked up his chair and hit with me with it. He kept doing that until I moved. Again this was in front of the teacher and when I told him he just said "well you've moved now, so it doesn't matter does it?"
I've tried so hard to think of a reason why they hated me so much but I just can't come up with an answer. Obviously there must have been something I'd done to make them hate me so much and want to hurt me, I just can't figure out what it is.
I'm job hunting right now and not having much luck. If I go to interviews and get turned down the logical part of me thinks that the economy is shit for everyone right now and lots of people are finding it hard to get a job. Then there's a tiny part of me that thinks that of course I wouldn't get hired, why would they want me? I was always told at school that I wouldn't amount to anything and they were right - if I was hated so much at school then of course other people would still hate me now and not want me near them even if I am older.
I left school with my self esteem and confidence shattered but I was determined that the bullies wouldn't stop me and I'd rebuild my confidence. I've never been able to rebuild it though.
And yes I know I'm being pathetic and that school was a long time ago and that I should just get over it. I just don't know how.
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To think I should be over school bullying by now?
58 replies
PinkHamster · 11/06/2014 11:34
OP posts:
NatashaBee ·
11/06/2014 12:09
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