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to tell him to feck off? He is still out since Friday, I have been crying all day and at the end of my teather now

(103 Posts)
Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 21:23:00

My partner has a history of going out with his mates, telling me he would be back by midnight and stumbling in drunk at 5 am or the day after. I woke up this morning and he was not there, he texted me to say he is at his mates and 'needs this'. Well, I certainly do not need this and texted him to tell him not to come back. He stayed at his mates all day and did not try to make amends. I was so exhausted crying and physically hurting, he betrayed my trust again. I called him around 6 pm to ask when he was coming back to get his things, as I wanted to be out then. I was also worried as he did not call or text for several hours by then. He told me what he did was not so bad and I was overreacting and he was not going to apologise again (he texted 'sorry' in the morning. He put the phone down but then texted that he is a twat but he never cheats and would never hurt me. I texted to say he had hurt me and would he want to be with someone who behaved like him, because I would not. He texted 'sorry' again. I texted that I wanted to put the house on the market next week and he said he would have to think about it.

I know this is all jumbled up but I am so upset, we have been together for over three years and it never has come to this, he would come back and apologise. He only goes out every month or so, sometimes more, but last time he came back and told me he was an alcoholic and would stop drinking. That was three weeks ago.

Before you ask, he has lots of redeeming features, he is lovely and helpful and does a lot for me, including helping with raising my 10yo DD. We are both working, in our early 30s. Is this how a 31 yo partner should be? I know he loves me and will apologise, but this has shaken me up and just wanted to ask if you think I should LTB.

RazzleDazzleEm Sat 07-Jun-14 22:35:32

A good friend once told me, if the man isn't behaving at the beginning of a relationship ( when putting best foot forward), then what the hell is he going to be like a few years in.

Obviously this relationship isnt new...however....the comment is relavant because your not going to change him, its not going to get better.,

your choices are to accept this and expect it and learn to deal and live with it....

or LTB.

Having male family members like this, they leave a trail of misery in their wake and are quite misogynistic too..

I would advise proper relationship counselling.

defineme Sat 07-Jun-14 22:39:59

So he did tell you his change of plans? As in first he decided to come home later and then not at all? And you had no plans with him today? And this doesn't happen every weekend.? When specifically was the lying that you're throwing him out for?

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:40:31

Everything - forgot to answer, this happend around 15-20 times in three years. Some months he does not go out, but sometimes would go out twice a month.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:46:50

Defineme, first he txtd he would be late, then I got the 'I am at my mates' text. The lying happens when he tells me he is hoing out and would be back by a certain hour. He said we would do s big cleanup today, so we did have a plan.

If we do last, relationship counselling would be the way forward. Razzle I thought about it, that is why I don't think we should have kids or get married, as it is unlikely he will change then.

Fairylea Sat 07-Jun-14 22:50:58

Have you actually said to him that you don't mind him going out and staying over at a friends as long as he tells you that's what he's doing and doesn't lie about it? Sounds simple but just wondered if he's second guessing because he knows you're unhappy about it.

Anonynony Sat 07-Jun-14 22:56:30

This is exactly why I ended it with my ex, it had happened once too often so he came home to his bags packed and it was the best decision I've ever made!

defineme Sat 07-Jun-14 22:57:11

See in my relationship that's not a lie it's a change of plan that I'm being told about. Which would have been answered with a reminder of our plans for the following day. I would be super pissed off if hr reneged on thrm and would expect a big apology.
I am sorry but if he stays out all the next day it sounds like he doesn't want to come home.
Do you think he would change if he had a baby? Dh and I reined our nights away in for the baby and toddler years as it was unfair on the partner left at home, but ssyou know a 10 year old ddoesn't take as much looking sfter.

Kittymautz Sat 07-Jun-14 22:59:11

I used to have a partner like this. He would go out for "one pint" having arranged to spend the rest of the evening with me, call two hours later, say he was just finishing his current pint and would be home soon, then call 90 mins later telling me he was leaving the pub very soon, he loved me etc, repeat two hours later etc. I tried everything, being understanding, acting not bothered, shouting and crying.

Nothing worked - except if I got too cross or upset he would just not bother calling. Once I actually called round hospitals when he didn't call or come home all night after he stood me up to go drinking with his friends and then just didn't come home. I think he wanted to change and not keep putting me through it, but once he got in the pub with his mates, all self control went out the window.

This was before mobile phones obviously.

I did love him but it was such a relief to get out of the relationship. It made me very insecure for years afterwards.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:59:30

I would be ok with him getting a cab home late/early in the morning, not with staying at his mates! I told him to tell me the truth about when he is going to come back, but he never plans on staying out so late. Maybe because I do not go out so late and he would not be happy if I did, he would be worried that I am chatting to men (I know this sounds weird but those are his words).
Not sure what to think, he is staying over at another mates house and said he would call me tomorrow.

Iflyaway Sat 07-Jun-14 23:06:14

Staying out all night?!

Get yourself checked out at the clinic..

and dump that man

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 23:06:27

Kitty the last pint/ calls/ on my way thing sounds so familiar. I have just had such a shit day, and this is one step too far for me. I want out,I do not want to go through this again. I always thought we were happy and these were just blips, but it got worse and I am not going to let him hurt me like this.

Defineme, if he does not want to be home I am prepared to hear it, instead he says on text he is happy with me, misses me. I think he might be pissed again.

defineme Sat 07-Jun-14 23:11:11

I would ltb for the worried chatting to men comment-so disrespectful-i chat to men all the time, some of my friends are men, have no desire to be unfaithful with any of them.
I am sorry but it sounds like this relationship is doomed. He has been out a long time, you have told him to leave.

Charley50 Sat 07-Jun-14 23:14:27

Cocaine? Clubbing? Just partying on? Women aren't the only reason men stay up all night.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 23:17:47

IFlyaway, will do! And trying to dump, but I still love him.

Defineme at the moment the last thing on my mind is having kids with him, he might change he might not but I do not want to face consequences of him not changing. I think you have a nice setup, you both have an agreement on what is acceptable and what is not. Iget questioned, half jukingly but still, if I spoke to men every time I go out. It would freak him out if I stayed out all night. This won't work if it does not work both ways.

TheWickerWoman Sat 07-Jun-14 23:23:47

My ex used to do this all the time - cocaine binges

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 23:25:48

Update. I texted him to ask what was stopping him from calling me if he loves me so much. No reply. I called him twice. He did not answer. I am on my own, crying because of this bastard, and he is out partying. This is so shit.

Kittymautz Sat 07-Jun-14 23:25:58

You know when I read your OP, I was immediately back there, 20 years ago, feeling the same horrible emotions. It's such a horrible way to treat someone, he was usually sorry afterwards (when he wasn't in his "this is me, this is how I am, take it or leave it" mood), but over a long period of time (3years in my case) it wears you down and makes you a neurotic, insecure nervous wreck.

I don't believe that there were other women involved in my case, as he was very anti-infidelity, but who knows?

In any case, whether your DP is playing away or not, he is still treating you so badly and making you feel shit. In my experience this kind of behaviour won't change in your relationship and you will be better without him.

AveryJessup Sat 07-Jun-14 23:29:15

31 going on 13, I think... he needs to grow up.

FartyMcGhee Sat 07-Jun-14 23:29:54

Ddo you think he may be using drugs like coke?

Darkesteyes Sat 07-Jun-14 23:44:11

So he wants to stay out all night but would give you a hard time about "chatting to other men" if you did the same.

Sounds abusive to me as well as a MASSIVE hypocrite.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 23:59:35

Called again and he picked up. Pressed him about drugs, he said he did not, but then after more pressing he said he did cocaine, first time after many many years (crazy uni days I am guessing). I do not know what to believe any more. I am shattered.

Paranoidandroid2 Sun 08-Jun-14 00:06:54

Well Kitti, the take it or leave it mood was well and truly on when we spoke. He has been so good to me, he has not done anything wrong, just letting go and trying to get away from everything. Can't argue with him now, he was tipsy. Of course he loves me, hates to see me hurt and the likes. Still makes me feel like I owe something to him, like I am theunreasonable one. I know it is not true, but just the reality of having to rearrange my whole life, move etc. is really scary. And not having him around will be the tough bit, we are so good together when he is here.

SirChenjin Sun 08-Jun-14 00:09:18

I wonder if he's currently dissecting your relationship with his friends, or on a forum seeking advice, or obsessing so much about you, or even giving you a second thought beyond coming back to get fed and watered at some point?

My thought is - probably not.

This man sounds exhausting. Neither you nor your DD need this waste of space in your life. Pack his bags, leave them outside, block his mobile number, change the locks, move forward. Don't waste your life on someone who has such little respect or feelings for you.

SoleSource Sun 08-Jun-14 00:24:12

Time to get this man out of your life. It will get worse, line has been crossed now. No more!!!

Paranoidandroid2 Sun 08-Jun-14 00:41:19

Thank you all, this thread has helped me survive this evening.

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