AIBU to be financially independent from DH?

[ModreB]

DH and I have been happily married for over 25 years. We have 3 grown up and nearly grown up DC's. There are no rocks that I know of on the horizon, and no great disturbances in the past. DH and I are both happy with the agreement.

BUT, we have always had separate finances, we arrange the bills by agreeing which ones we will pay, in our names, which works out at about 50% each. DC's joint stuff, like clothes, shoes, school trips we always paid half each. Again, never any arguments about his, just "how much is the rugby trip, OK, you paid I'll give you half, here you go."

We have separate Bank Accounts, and I don't know what DH earns, and he doesn't know what I earn, we never discuss it.

I always made sure that if DH wasn't around for any reason, the bills would still be paid, and could be paid, out of my income alone. (I do save a bit)

Speaking to some friends, this seems like it is so not the norm, that everything goes into a central pot. But, I like knowing that if the worst happened, at least I know I would be secure and able to pay the rent and bills on my own?

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

23 years married we've not held a joint account ever.

[Youdontneedacriminallawyer]

It seems odd to me, but if it works for you I wouldn't rock the boat.

We pool everything. One current account and both salaries paid in. Over the years we have at times both earned more than the other. We currently earn similar salaries. I would hate to think I could afford something that DH couldn't, or vice versa.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Surely YAonly everBU to do something that doesnt work for one or both of you.

[ThePinkOcelot]

No

[Brabra]

I am like you OP. I love being independent. It does not seem a popular view on MN though, which surprises me.

[BrianTheMole]

We've always had separate finances too. It works for us.

[Bearbehind]

I get the separate accounts elements and splitting the bills but I can't comprehend the fact that your don't know how much each other earns

That's just weird.

[MakeITGoAwayShirley]

Good for you.

Provided you don't judge any

[grumblepuss]

We transfer enough into the joint account to cover bills and for a bit of savings.
Left over are spent as desired - I buy shoes he has a football season ticket. Meals out are alternated.
But we don't have children and earn roughly the same.
If we had children I'd expect us to pool our money and treat it as family money - I'd also hope we'd both compress our hours and work five days in four so we could minimise childcare.

[MakeITGoAwayShirley]

.. One for doing differently I don't see the problem

[Yama]

I have a similar approach to money in that I need to know that I can cover all bills on my wage alone.

We do have a joint bank account though for mortgage and bills.

Dh and I know how much the other earns - roughly the same. Which helps.

[outtolunchagain]

We share everything, except Isas and things which need to be independent , I never think of his and mine , it's all ours .Can't imagine giving to divvy things up like students .But then we have been together since we are students so brought the same into the marriage ; nothing!

[BrianTheMole]

I'd hate having to feel like I had to justify my spends, and I would feel like that from a joint account.

[Phineyj]

I was of your POV but since having DD I find separate finances a pain - however, it's mainly as DH won't do online banking. I think it is quite sensible in some ways as if something happens to one partner, the other won't be completely at sea. When my gran was widowed, she had not so much as opened a bank statement.

[Phineyj]

If you don't know how much the other earns, you can't divide things fairly (however you define 'fairly').

[toomuchtooold]

If you're happy, why not? But as regards having money if the worst happened (you mean divorce I guess) - well I don't know about you but I would expect to get more than I would have if I'd been paying half the bills and hanging onto my salary. In order to have kids we split the risks - DH has an insecure well paid job and I have a stable less well paying job. And I work part time, and I had two years off when my twins were born. I'm way behind him in terms of money coming into the house.
Can totally see why you like having an own account with your own money though. We have own current accounts (both are joint in each others' name though and we just pay the bills out of whatever one).

[hollycomputer]

No, you are not BU. DH and I have separate finances but we have one joint account which we pay a set amount into each month for mortgage/bills and the odd joint expense. We earn roughly the same - I don't question his spending and he doesn't question mine, but we occasionally help each other out if one of us is short that month. Most stuff we pay 50/50 on.

I'd never want to be financially dependent on any partner.

[ModreB]

toomuchtooold Sorry, I was thinking about death not divorce. Sadly we have had friends who have gone through this, and the person who was bereaved struggled without the extra salary.

phineyj fairly is that we pay bills equally. Which we do.

[rookiemater]

If it works for you then great. We do the opposite - all money goes in a pot and then we get an equal bit of discretionary spending money. Works reasonably well until DH fancied a sports car .

Fair enough being equal if you have equal opportunity. When DH and I met we both did roughly the same job and earned the same. However I went p/t when I had DS and he started contracting as he could earn more, it does mean that I pick up the lions share of housework and child care. Why should i have less money than him because of that?

[BrianTheMole]

I didn't have less money when I went part time for a while. Dh transferred a set amount of cash into my bank account at that time. But that way it still felt separate, mine to do as I wanted with it.

[KeepingUpAnon]

I find the not knowing how much the other earns really, really weird.

How much you earn as individuals, and jointly is a fairly significant factor in a relationship - your earnings will dictate everything really, from what type of home you can afford, cars, hobbies, where you holiday. What about applying for a mortgage? Affordability is based on household income...yet you don't actually know what your household income is?

I just don't see how it's possible to be in a significant long-term relationship and not discuss this.

[Bearbehind]

Being financially independent is fine, in fact I think it is a really good thing but do you really not have any idea how much each other earns.

He could earns tens of thousands more than you and do god knows what with it.

In 25 years of marriage how has it never come up?

[MaidOfStars]

I don't know what my husband earns, but I reckon I could ballpark it to the nearest £10k. I suspect OP means that she doesn't know what he has coming in a month, to the penny, on an Excel spreadsheet?

We have what I thought was the standard joint account, into which we pay equal amounts each month, for joint bills, then anyhing left is our own. I have no idea what savings my husband may or may not have, nor where he keeps his money. I may need to find out someday though...it's not ideal that I wouldnt know where to look, in case of emergency/crisis.

[rookiemater]

I'd be fine financially if (god forbid) something happened to DH. His life insurance would cover the mortgage, I could up my hours at work and could take in a lodger if required. I could live very frugally, also it wouldn't bother me greatly if I had to move to a much smaller property.

We do discuss it because although DH earns more, as a contractor we would lose his earnings outright if he became ill.

I'd absolutely hate it if DH directly transferred money from his account into my account - that to me would feel very demeaning, like him dishing out his wages to the little wifey.

The way I see it my non financial contribution ( as well as my financial one) enables DH to earn the income that he does, therefore I should have an equal voice on how it should be spent, either that or I up my hours and grade and he takes on 50% of all household and child care responsibilities, which would be impossible for him to do full time and therefore he wouldn't be able to be a contractor.