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To think there is no point to life without children

(58 Posts)
bouncingbelle Wed 04-Jun-14 15:49:50

I have been having fertility treatment for 4 years. Yesterday we reached the end of this journey due to a deterioration in my own health. I just want to die. I can't see a future without children in it. The idea of any more Christmases without a child in it (always the hardest time of year), any more holidays, birthdays, family get togethers, feel like a stab through my heart. Who is going to remember me when I die? I can't imagine a way forward from this. Has anyone been affected by involuntary childlessness and survived? (Adoption, though I would love this, is ruled out due to my own health) , the dr yesterday said to me "you,ve come through worse and you,ll get through this" but I don't think I will this time. I had an abortion 14 years ago and the stupidity of this decisions (although it felt so justified at the time) kills me more.

Is there any pointe going on?

SallyMcgally Thu 05-Jun-14 19:47:44

Good for you bouncing. We should all aspire to elegance! xx

Sillyshell Thu 05-Jun-14 19:58:39

Hi bouncing, I don't really have any pearls of wisdom for you but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in feeling like this. Your op nearly broke me heart. I know how you feel and I hope that helps a little bit. Xx

Pipbin Thu 05-Jun-14 20:09:26

I've had two failed IVF attempts and I know how you feel, especially the worry about no one remembering you.
I'm very lucky in that most of my friends are child free by choice. There are so many things I do now that I couldn't without children.

We have just got a cat and she has been such a comfort to us.

Are you with us 'elderberry pavlovas' over on the conception boards? The ladies there have been such a support. It's wonderful when someone else knows what you are going through.

ManchesterAunt Thu 05-Jun-14 22:45:46

A few more inspirational women for you Belle flowers

So this Mother’s Day, as we honor the millions of extraordinary, loving, committed mothers in the world, let's not forget the many fulfilled, successful women who opt not to become mothers, and who have nonetheless contributed enormous work to our culture and world. Check out these eight famous women who led and are leading big lives, without children:

1. Sally Ride
The first American woman and the first (known) LGBT person in space, Sally Ride had no children and pursued a vibrant scientific career. Prior to her first space mission in 1983 (she served on a second shuttle flight the following year), Ride beat 1,000 other applicants for the spot. She held bachelor’s degrees in physics and English, and a Ph.D. in physics, and directed the California Space Institute at the University of California, San Diego. Committed to expanding science education, Ride also wrote five children's science books and started her own company to inspire women and girls to pursue scientific careers.

2. Margaret Cho
Comedian Margaret Cho began performing stand-up at the age of 16 and soon won a contest to open for Jerry Seinfeld. In her twenties, she landed her own TV show, All American Girl; she's since produced critically acclaimed shows like I’m the One that I Want and Notorious C.H.O and snagged an Emmy nomination for her portrayal of Kim Jong Il on 30 Rock. Throughout her career, Cho has been active in anti-racism, anti-bullying, and anti-homophobia campaigns. On motherhood, she says: “I do not want children. When I see children, I feel nothing. I have no maternal instinct. I am barren. I ovulate sand.”

3. Harper Lee
She eschews interviews and almost anything connected to her 1960 Pulitzer Prize winning novel, To Kill a Mockingbird — but Lee made an indelible impact on American literature and the lives of millions. She never had children, and these days the 87-year-old stays active in her church and community in Monroeville, Alabama.

4. Oprah Winfrey
Since she landed her first television gig as a 19-year-old news anchor in Nashville, media giant Winfrey has built an empire. Her talk show was nationally syndicated for twenty-five years; she’s written five books; and she owns a television network — to name a few of her accomplishments. In 2007, she donated $40 million to start the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls in South Africa. “Some people ask me why I never had children,” she says. “Maybe this is the reason. So I can help bring up other peoples’ children.”

5. Anna Jarvis
Though she recognized the importance of a mother's role, the woman who founded Mother's Day had no children herself. Jarvis lobbied for the holiday to memorialize her own mother, a woman who nursed wounded Union and Confederate soldiers during the Civil War. Through letter-writing and promotional campaigns, Jarvis successfully got Congress to institute Mother's Day nationwide in 1914 — though she soon became embittered at its commercialization. Jarvis lamented, “A printed card means nothing except that you are too lazy to write to the woman who has done more for you than anyone in the world. And candy! You take a box to Mother — and then eat most of it yourself. A pretty sentiment.”

6. Sonia Sotomayor
Sotomayor, the first Latina and third female Supreme Court Justice, grew up in the tenements of the Bronx, graduated from Princeton and Yale Law School, and became a federal judge at the age of 38. In her memoir, My Beloved World, Sotomayor notes that a lifelong struggle with diabetes, and the fear of dying early, played a significant role in her decision not to have children.

7. Rachael Ray
Food Network mogul Ray has established herself as a powerful force in the cooking industry. With four Food Network shows — including her hit 30 Minute Meals — and more than 20 cookbooks to her name, Ray keeps active. “I work too much to be an appropriate parent,” she says. “I feel like a bad mom to my dog some days because I’m just not here enough. I just feel like I would do a bad job if I actually took the time to literally give birth to a kid right now and try and juggle everything I’m doing.”

8. Shirley Chisholm
The first black woman in Congress, Chisholm was a lifelong champion of minority education and employment. Before launching her political career, she earned a master’s in elementary education from Columbia University, directed the Hamilton-Madison Child Care Center, and worked as a consultant with the New York City Bureau of Child Welfare. Chisholm became the first black woman to make a bid for president when she ran for the Democratic nomination in 1972. She served seven terms in Congress on the Education and Labor Committee, helped found the Congressional Black Caucus, and later taught at Mt. Holyoke College. Though her groundbreaking career made her a powerful figure in American political history, Chisholm once said in an interview that she didn't want to be remembered as the first black Congresswoman. "I'd like them to say that Shirley Chisholm had guts," she said. "That's how I'd like to be remembered."

ToysRLuv Fri 06-Jun-14 00:22:03

Pnd after having DS nearly broke me. I thought I was in a nightmare, but just couldn't wake up. At times I still struggle, as DS can be a lot of work. I worry and feel massive guilt about everything. I'm not saying that I would rather be without him, but my mental and physical health have suffered. Our finances are also at breaking point, as DH still has to give up some of his working time to help me out with ds (he got very little work done during the first two years).

I have certainly long since given up on my plan of having 2 children. It is simply not going to work. Af times I mourn the loss of my hypothetical child. We all have regrets, as life us full of choices. I think the trick is to find a way to be happy regardless..

Zook Mon 20-Jul-15 21:07:31

I know this is an old thread but just in case anyone is still around I just wanted to let you know what a help you've been to me. I feel like I'm walking in your shoes one year behind you bouncing! Your story is exactly mine, termination when I was at university, 4 failed IVF's (only limited by the fact that we had to pay for them all privately and we used all our savings and more besides) and we can't currently adopt as we live abroad (we have had 3 failed international adoptions in my husband's home country) and were in the process of trying to return to the UK to try and adopt here but have had official confirmation today that we can't adopt here for at least 7 years (til he has his indefinite leave to remain here) taking us well into our forties. This journey has already taken 5 years and I feel I'm out of plan B's. I've no idea what's next... there's always been a back up plan and I genuinely have no idea what to do tomorrow or how to exist beyond this but all your words have helped immensely.

Cherryblossomsinspring Tue 21-Jul-15 10:20:01

I'm sorry that you have had this choice taken away from you. It's something I think we all expect we can have if we want. I'm not sure if this helps, you may feel this is irrelevant coming from me but i have kids and have recently thought to myself how great all the permutations of life are. I have 3 but can see how wonderful it is to have 2 or 1 or none. They are all such different lives and bring great positives with them. Life without children can be rich and fulfilling in ways I can never go back to. I genuinely don't think one situation is better than the other in reality.

That is an objective view. I know you first need to grieve and you have every right to be furious and upset. I hope you are ok. We all really just have ourselves in the end.

MNpostingbot Tue 21-Jul-15 11:18:15

Hey Belle,

So sorry to read about your position. Very difficult to find any words that make it better, but it will get better. I have close friends in the same position and time will heal. I know its probably no help now as DC is all you want, but whilst i adore the children im fortunate to have, there are days when I think back to a life with fewer responsibilities and much as it hurts now every cloud no matter how dark has a tiny silver lining.
Right now you probably can't focus on other children in your life, children of friends and family, but I'm sure that you will make the greatest "auntie" in time and there are many ways to be a positive influence on children's lives.

It really is worth going on. Hope things get better for you.

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