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AIBU to think the police are being inconsiderate A$$holes

(40 Posts)
EllaJayne123 Tue 03-Jun-14 18:59:52

Split with xp 3 years ago, was a very abusive relationship emotionally and psyically. He was very messed up and often got in trouble with the police. I lived with my mum at the time and often when the police would go searching for him they'd go there and ask me questions. Never had they found him there, never would I put the rest of my family in that situation. Anyway on an occasion the hospital called the police regarding me being there and I told them everything agreed I'd stand in court, prosecute ect.. Eventually the whole thing was so dragged out and caused so much hurt that I decided to drop the charges on the basis he promised never to contact me again. Which he did and has done I haven't seen/spoken to him since.

Anyway the police have continued to come to my mums door looking for him in those 3 years. Each time I have explained the situation and told them to check there records before they come to my door. And although PC plod puts up a bit off a fuss they do eventually leave, but they still bloody come back!!

I have now moved and they went to my door again! Where my mum said I didn't live there anymore they asked for my contact number and to my surprise had a call from a nasty police lady asking me to call her back regarding the whereabouts of xp. I've had all I can take of this and everytime it brings back painful memories. AIBU to think the police are being insensitive and should look into things before thy come marching to people's doors demanding information??

Sorry for grammar on phone and needed to vent

ManchesterAunt Tue 03-Jun-14 19:04:20

Yabu I'm sorry but when they're looking for AWOL scum they need to try eberything possible. You arw an ex of 3 years but maybe the next yobbo has an on again off again girlfriend of 6 years.

Still, situation must be so frustrating for you sad

Joules68 Tue 03-Jun-14 19:04:23

She called you, she didn't 'march' to your door. Maybe they feel you aren't very reliable as you decided to drop charges?

Either way, they are doing their job.

MrsWolowitz Tue 03-Jun-14 19:06:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joules68 Tue 03-Jun-14 19:07:49


Sorry YABU

BruthasTortoise Tue 03-Jun-14 19:11:13

I think it's lazy policing to be honest. You have not been a known associate of this man for 3 years - surely there must be other (more recent) partners or family members they would call on first.

SaucyJack Tue 03-Jun-14 19:11:42

YANBU. Make a complaint. It's harassment.

You are not his keeper, and should be allowed to move on with your own life.

And if you really haven't seen him for three whole years, then they're just wasting their own time by continuing to bother you- so they can hardly be said ot be doing their jobs either.

CundtBake Tue 03-Jun-14 19:20:12

If it was just once then YWBU but after the first time they should have updated their information and left it there. How horrible for you. I have an abusive ex and id be so upset if police kept coming to my house and reminding me of him when I'm trying to move on with my life.

Joules' comment was out of order. Regardless of whether you dropped charges or not you still have the right to leave this shithead in your past ffs.

redexpat Tue 03-Jun-14 19:22:54

I think YAB understandably U. I can understand that it stirs up feelings for you, but on the other hand, the police get lied to by girlfs and exes all the time. The ones knocking on your door are lower in the food chain and are probably doing what their superior officer told them to do.

Could you contact the police - is there a victim support service? - to explain the situation once more in writing. Or perhaps ask the police complaints commission for advice.

redexpat Tue 03-Jun-14 19:25:10

Joules' comment might be spot on actually. I'm not saying it's ok for them to draw that conclusion, but it might be the general feeling of officers.

EllaJayne123 Tue 03-Jun-14 19:25:34

I've put it in writing I have no contact, I went through my statements with them for months outlining it and tbh the only reason I dropped the charges were because of how longed out the police made it all - and I was constantly made to feel like the lier in it all.

EllaJayne123 Tue 03-Jun-14 19:25:55

But I will contact complaints dept thanks

Tweasels Tue 03-Jun-14 19:32:38

You will be on his records as "an associate". Sadly many women who report DV not only drop the charges but more often than not end up back with their abuser, such is the nature of the abuse. The police will try any means possible to try and catch an offender.

I totally get where you're coming from and it probably needs flagging up but they are just doing their jobs.

Petrasmumma Tue 03-Jun-14 19:36:31

I appreciate this is unpleasant. If you have a chat with the DV team, I am sure they will be able to speak to the right people to stop Police coming to your door looking for your ex.

WooWooOwl Tue 03-Jun-14 19:47:37

While I can understand it's a piañ in the arse for you, men like that do often go crawling back to ex's who then let them in, even years later. They aren't asking you for no reason.

I'd rather the police did everything they possibly could to find criminals, even if it does inconvenience their ex girlfriends sometimes.

Joules68 Tue 03-Jun-14 19:50:45

Er, the police will have 'longed it out' due to the requirements of the CPS..... They weren't being difficult. You are blaming the police for the fact you chose to drop the charges.

Now you are blaming them again

whois Tue 03-Jun-14 19:50:55

Maybe they feel you aren't very reliable as you decided to drop charges?

Yes abused women are so unreliable aren't they?

FFS that was uncalled for.

FunnyFoot Tue 03-Jun-14 19:51:49

OP I can imagine how frustrating this is especially when you have had no contact in all that time.

The person to really blame is your scummy ex and like others have said you will be classed as a known associate so when looking for him they will have no choice but to exhaust all avenues.
I cannot imagine this is happening every week so it is something you will have to deal with from time to time. Look at it this way at least it reminds you why he is an ex.

Also I do not think it is fair for posters to blame the OP because she dropped charges. Women who suffer from DV/EA are not in a good place mentally and drop charges for many reasons mostly fear. Don't blame the victim blame the criminal.

Joules68 Tue 03-Jun-14 19:58:52

Er, who is blaming?!? I'm putting a different perspective on WHY they may be coming back to op and why this might be happening? Op has said she dropped charges because it was taking too long.... No other reason

FunnyFoot Tue 03-Jun-14 20:01:02

Fair enough Joules but when you made that comment you had no idea why the OP dropped the charges.

SaucyJack Tue 03-Jun-14 20:07:00

so it is something you will have to deal with from time to time.

No, police harassment isn't something one just has to put up with. We have this thing in the UK called "innocent until proven guilty" and unless they have some kind of proof to show that she is in contact with her ex then they should shove off and leave her in the peace that any law-abiding citizen is entitled to.

FunnyFoot Tue 03-Jun-14 20:14:46

Nobody is saying she is guilty Saucy. She will be on file as a known associate/girlfriend. They are asking if she has seen him or had any contact. They are not dragging her down the station for questioning.

I was a victim of D & V aged 19. I pressed charges, they never found him and I had no further contact. 12 years later the Police telephoned my parents (same number for ever) and asked for me and my contact details as they were looking for him in connection to another crime.
It wasn't harassment just that my name was on his file as his girlfriend/victim. I imagine they contacted everyone who was named on his file seen as they were looking for him. I have no doubt I may probably be contacted again in the future as he is a twat but my answer will be the same and the conversation short.

If they were accusing OP of lying or constantly knocking on her door every week then I would say harassment but the OP doesn't say that.

Aspiringhuman Tue 03-Jun-14 21:07:54

I don't think YABU. Coming once or perhaps twice after he left I would consider it understandable but to do it repeatedly is damaging.

Joules68 Tue 03-Jun-14 21:37:47

funny yes,yes I did,its in the op 'the whole thing was so dragged out'.....

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