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To not want to go to wedding without ds

(447 Posts)
BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 10:27:03

My dh is best man at his friends wedding in 3 weeks time. We have a 8 mo ds. He has just spoken to his bf (groom) who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony.
This is obviously their choice - I have said therefore if my ds is not invited then I will not be attending. My dh now thinks I'm being mardy and bitter! Yes it has upset me that they have only just told us this rule after a year and that they think I can't control my ds, but I do understand it's their big day.
My dmil is already looking after ds when it's the meal/speeches etc and then for part of the night do etc so I don't really want to put on her anymore. Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

LtEveDallas Wed 04-Jun-14 10:07:07

My worry for the OP is that she will have 'backed down' and her DH has 'got his own way' yet again. I worry about OP being married to a man who needs to go on the piss for 7 days, then has to go on the piss overnight the following weekend, then on the piss again the next weekend (without his DW again) plus his twice weekly football and pool nights, but complains, calling his wife "mardy, bitter and awkward" when she suggests leaving one of those events early.

I don't think those are the actions of a happily married family man, and I worry about what OP has on her plate. I think the DMIL is enabling this manchild and OP is questioning herself and her marriage. This thread is just a symptom of that.

I get that it's a wedding, and some people see that as far more important than I do, but TBH, what duties does a Best Man have at an evening function? I get that he's got stuff to do during the day - but all the weddings I've been to, once the first dance is announced that's the BM done.

At my DNeices wedding the BM was the father of the 2 year old. He and his wife retired to the quiet room (with the grannies wink) once the meal was over (about 5pm) and stayed there until the child was taken to bed at about 8-9pm. It didn't detract from the day at all. One of the Bridesmaids was the mother of the 2 day old. Her and her DH didn't even make it to the evening do - they crashed out the minute the meal was over and we didn't see them again until breakfast. I'm still in awe of that woman!

Bearbehind Wed 04-Jun-14 10:37:50

You've really got it in for the husband ltevedallas haven't you? hmm

The OP hasn't 'backed down' as her argument with her husband wasn't about how often he goes out, it was about leaving her son at her MIL's for too long.

Yes, it transpired later in the thread that there are issues with how much he goes out but that wasn't the problem here and it wasn't the reason why she wanted to change the plans that they had already made for that day.

Also, if you adopt your theory about the best man being free to go after his duties are done to the whole bridal party then bridesmaids and ushers wouldn't make it further than the church as their duties end there and the mothers of the bride and groom parents might as well not turn up at all as they don't have any 'duties'.

It's not about leaving when his duties are done- it's about him celebrating his friends marriage and it would be very churlish of the OP to force him to leave when they have no childcare issues.

The OP will need to address the inequality in their free time if she's not happy with it but making a stand about it at his best friends wedding is not the time or the place.

diddl Wed 04-Jun-14 10:42:37

"it's about him celebrating his friends marriage and it would be very churlish of the OP to force him to leave when they have no childcare issues."

I disagree.

You don't have to leave your kid overnight to celebrate a friend's wedding!

BettyBoo246 Wed 04-Jun-14 10:43:02

Don't worry LTEve I'm no push over! My dm taught me well ;)
Dh knows I'm not happy but I'm not the kind of person to keep on and on to try and get him to change, he knows if me and ds are not enough to make him put us before friends than he will soon find himself back in the arms of his dmummy! I will speak to him once this stag do and wedding are over and if he continues on the same path it will be a on a different one to me ;)

Bearbehind Wed 04-Jun-14 10:44:54

You don't have to leave your kid overnight to celebrate a friend's wedding!

They don't have to leave their kid overnight- he goes to bed at 7.30pm so is unlikely to notice if the come home at 8pm or midnight

LtEveDallas Wed 04-Jun-14 10:57:25

You've really got it in for the husband ltevedallas haven't you?

I haven't 'got it in' for anyone Bearbehind. I don't know the DH, so how on earth could I 'have it in' for him?

I am worried for the OP, I think my post makes that quite clear. My last post barely mentions the wedding in that respect, because I don't particularly think that this thread is the be all and end all. I think it is highly likely that the wedding is the 'straw' and OP is contemplating all the other issues on the back of it.

I don't see why you have to be so sarcastic, are you always this confrontational? People have been posting that he cannot leave the function early simply because he is the Best Man. I took that to mean that he still had duties to perform, and asked (quite politely) what the duties were, as I wasn't aware of any. My own wedding had 2 best men that I don't even remember seeing after the speeches (well until someone fell into the pond).

Neither have I said the OP needs to 'make a stand' at his friends wedding. My only advice to OP was to either 1) not go, or 2) do as her DH wants. I actually think the most sensible suggestion was OPs that she doesn't go to the actual ceremony, but attends the rest of it. I think that OP will be taking option 2) and yes, I admit, that irritates me.

I've been married to a functional alcoholic. My brother died at 42, the age I am now, because he was an alcoholic. I see those traits in the things the OP is saying and I am worried for her - her husband doesn't seem to be able to switch off. I worry that she is a second class citizen in her own marriage and I worry that her DS will grow up thinking that this level of alcohol consumption and socialising without his wife is 'normal'.

It took an outsider to point out what was going on in my marriage. Maybe I am just paying it forward smile.

Of course, I could be absolutely and completely wrong. I could be completely off track here and even insulting to the OP. If that is the case then I'll be back here in a shot to hold my hands up and apologise. There is no embarassment in being wrong and admitting, especially as my musings are simply out of concern.

You counsel OP your way, I'll do it mine. We don't have to like each other or to agree. OP is what is important here.

LtEveDallas Wed 04-Jun-14 10:59:48

Apologies BettyBoo, cross post. Please tell me if I have insulted you - I wouldn't want that.

Bearbehind Wed 04-Jun-14 11:05:29

I wasn't being sarcastic- I was making the point that his 'duties' are irrelevant to how long he chooses to spend at his best friends wedding hmm

The OP didn't ask for advice on the state of her marriage or how much her husband drinks so I don't think it's appropriate to comment on it but I do agree with your last paragraph though.

Talisawasnotsupposedtobethere Wed 04-Jun-14 11:08:42

yes I know most people can and will leave their children at the drop of a hat but some of us don't like to

Christ, how sanctimonious!

LtEve you are making huge assumptions about the OPs own marriage based on not a whole lot.

LtEveDallas Wed 04-Jun-14 11:18:54

Indeed I am, and if OP is unhappy about that I am quite content for her to tell me. I will apologise, unreservedly, and withdraw from the thread. That will be the decent thing for me to do.

Talisawasnotsupposedtobethere Wed 04-Jun-14 11:30:04

When my DH was Best Man at a wedding I just went along with whatever needed to be done. I certainly would not have been pressuring him to come home early to look after DS, I would have just done it myself on that occasion. I would think it a bit strange if a best man went home early unless it was absolutely necessary and there was no other option.

LoonvanBoon Wed 04-Jun-14 11:57:57

When my DH was best man & our twins were babies he left before the evening do. We had all been invited, it wasn't a child-free wedding, & it was a 6 hour round trip to the venue, so a long day for two 8 month old babies.

DH had fulfilled all his best man "duties" by that stage in the day, & more to the point he'd agreed with the groom when they planned the day that he wouldn't be staying until late. I doubt anyone else even noticed, let alone passed judgement on how "strange" it was!

Talisawasnotsupposedtobethere Wed 04-Jun-14 12:05:27

I doubt anyone else even noticed, let alone passed judgement on how "strange" it was!

How do you know?

LoonvanBoon Wed 04-Jun-14 12:07:39

Well of course I don't know for sure, but given that the situation was fine with the bride & groom (& logistics were discussed before DH even accepted the role, given we had newborns at the time) - why would any of us give a fuck?

Talisawasnotsupposedtobethere Wed 04-Jun-14 12:16:39

Fair enough.

However the OPs DH does want to stay.

LoonvanBoon Wed 04-Jun-14 12:36:18

Indeed - & the OP has already accepted that her DH is going to be staying.

I was responding to your post, where your last sentence seemed to be making a more general point about how best men, regardless of circumstances, should expect to stay late, apparently for fear of being thought "strange" by other random wedding guests.

immortalwife Wed 04-Jun-14 12:43:47

Ahhh bollocks to all saying he'll be disruptive! My 8mo is attending a wedding on Friday, and I can promise you all before it even happens she will be quiet and attentive and won't cry. She may say boo or Dada quietly to herself, but she loves to watch everything, the singing hymns etc and look at people. So shall I not watch the wedding with my girl because she "may" cry?! Silly attitude.

On the other hand, they have every right to say they don't want babies at the ceremony. Just as you have the right to just attend the day/eve do and not the ceremony. Its their day, you should fit in with them.

immortalwife Wed 04-Jun-14 12:46:07

X post, apparently we are now not discussing babies at weddings sorry!!! :-)

Talisawasnotsupposedtobethere Wed 04-Jun-14 13:02:07

I guess I meant 'strange' in that given that the best man is presumably a very good friend of the groom, it would not be unreasonable for the groom to want to stay for the whole wedding and have fun with his friends. Obviously if this is very difficult or impossible then that is fair enough.

It was just that some posters seemed to be suggesting that her DH was being a selfish arse because he didn't want to leave the wedding on e his official duties had been completed.

HeeHiles Wed 04-Jun-14 23:08:09

errrr....absolute bollocks in my opinion! Kids joining gangs and taking a destructive path in life is down to the lack of decent parenting.....

Don't hold back!! In the context of the whole conversation it kind of made some sense - of course, there are many reasons why children join gangs but this was one of her points on how as a society we alienate our children - she painted a bigger picture - it was interesting I thought but I guess you need to hear the whole conversation.

OP - I hope whatever you decide you and your family have a lovely day.

Amber76 Thu 05-Jun-14 08:03:47

"I can promise you all before it even happens she will be quiet and attentive and won't cry".

Ha! I don't think you can make this "promise" with an 8 month old baby! What if she has a tooth coming up that day or is off form for whatever reason. My sil assured me that her baby wouldn't cry during the service - he did - and that she would take him outside if he cried - she didn't as it was raining.

immortalwife Thu 05-Jun-14 11:16:16

I've taken her to church when teething before. That's why I know. She loves churches, she likes watching the choir and the vicar. Very nosy child. So yeah, I know she won't be disruptive.

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