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To want my bf of six months to take down photographs of his previous gf who died tragically

(344 Posts)
Botagonist Mon 02-Jun-14 21:45:47

My bf of six months' previous gf died suddenly last year in tragic circumstances. He still lives in the flat that they shared and I live separately with my two teenagers.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to take down a photo of her that he has in the lounge? It bothers me and makes me feel that I will always be in her shadow.

I have mentioned this before to him but he doesn't seem to understand how I feel and it's still there. I understand that people want to hold onto memories of the past but I feel this is detrimental to the future.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Mon 02-Jun-14 21:47:00

Yes YABU completely. It's a photo of someone he loved who died. Get over yourself!

Pinkynotperky Mon 02-Jun-14 21:47:58

Sorry but I think YABU!!! Last year isn't very long ago!!

Dysfunctional Mon 02-Jun-14 21:48:18

Would you ask a Widower to take down a picture of his dead wife? I'm not sure you would?

rubyslippers Mon 02-Jun-14 21:48:28


TarkaTheOtter Mon 02-Jun-14 21:48:37

Yabu. Have you tried thinking about this from his pov?

LaurieFairyCake Mon 02-Jun-14 21:49:16

You've only been together six months. Maybe when the relationship is deeper can you influence interior decor.

kali110 Mon 02-Jun-14 21:49:17

Yabu. Poor bloke is probably still grieving. He cared about her before he met you.

MommyBird Mon 02-Jun-14 21:49:17

shock YABVU.

crispyporkbelly Mon 02-Jun-14 21:49:27

Oh dear op, not nice

tunnocksteacake Mon 02-Jun-14 21:49:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magpiegin Mon 02-Jun-14 21:49:44

YABU. It's a loved one that he lost. I can imagine she will always be important to him. As time goes on I'm sure he'll put pictures of you up too.

It's up to him to take them down if and when he is ready.

Bearbehind Mon 02-Jun-14 21:49:45

Totally, completely and utterly unreasonable- get a grip.

chesterberry Mon 02-Jun-14 21:49:51

Sorry but I think YABU. I think if you want to be in a relationship with this man you will have to accept that he will always love her, losing a partner due to a bereavement will never be the same as breaking up under any other circumstances. He will always want to remember her and be sad that she died tragically. That doesn't mean he can't move on or love you as much, or more than, her but to expect him to just forget her or erase all memories of her is very unreasonable in my opinion, especially if she only died last year.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 02-Jun-14 21:50:02

I don't think yabu but don't know exactly how best to articulate those feelings to him.

AElfgifu Mon 02-Jun-14 21:50:10

YAB vvv U.

It comes down when he is ready to bring it down, which is not up for discussion, negotiation or prediction. It happens when it happens, and if that is never, that is fine.

I don't think it is something you should even ever mention..

Morgause Mon 02-Jun-14 21:50:38


RabbitSaysWoof Mon 02-Jun-14 21:51:15

I think YABU but I dont know how I would feel in those circumstances. How long were they together?
In time (a year is not a long time if you have lived with someone) he will probably take it down of hes own accord but for you to push the matter is U.

LadyIsabellaWrotham Mon 02-Jun-14 21:51:38

A world of unreasonable.

Botagonist Mon 02-Jun-14 21:51:40

Yes I would. It was a year ago and all the literature says that you should take down such things if you are dating again. I have taken down all photos of my ex as I don't think it's appropriate

ForeskinHyena Mon 02-Jun-14 21:51:55

Yabu. She died, he is allowed to still love her and not forget her, especially as you don't share the same home.

I understand why you feel uncomfortable about it but we all have a past and you can't just erase it. My DP has photos of his ex up in his house, although only in his DCs' rooms now, not in the the living room, and she is alive and well, living round the corner!

Is there somewhere else he could put the photos so they are not so 'in your face'?

Chippednailvarnish Mon 02-Jun-14 21:52:02

Welcome to MN.

By the way half term has finished.

jellymcsmelly Mon 02-Jun-14 21:52:25


My friend died tragically. I so admire the woman who eventually married her then boyfriend. For years, she came to the annual memorial my friend's family hold, she took her first baby to my friend's parents and asked them to be extra grandparents if they chose and so on. Some of that has all died down now, but with natural attrition over twenty years. Your BF hasn't even grieved for one year!

It is true and unfair that in some ways the person who has died gets to live on in people's memory, and perhaps get "canonised" and do no wrong. But they are DEAD - that is the only advantage they get! I think if you want to be in a relationship with someone with this experience, you need to get over yourself. If you cannot, move on.

MajesticWhine Mon 02-Jun-14 21:52:42

About as unreasonable as it gets

patienceisvirtuous Mon 02-Jun-14 21:52:58

I can understand this mustn't feel great for you. But yabu. It wasn't that long ago she died, leave him be to remove it in his own time...

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