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To not change access agreement that ex says doesn't suit him because it suits me?

(47 Posts)
D0oinMeCleanin Mon 02-Jun-14 12:16:22

Ex turned up on my doorstep this morning with dd2. The school shirt he had picked with her had shrunk in the wash. She needed another one. It was 8:18am, I live literally 3 minutes, at dd2's pace, from the school. She left with a fresh shirt at 8:30am, the doors open at 8:45am, so they were not late, although I am happy for him to leave dd1 in charge of dd2 and leave the playground before the doors open if he needs to, there is a TA on yard duty from 8:15am.

Ex informed me that our arrangement does not work for him. We will need to change it. He was going to be late for work and does not have time to take them to school on a morning. When we were together he never left for work before 9am.

The arrangement we have atm says he has them every Tues, Wed and Thurs one week (although they normally opt to spend Thursday with me) and Fri, Sat, Sun (again the opt to spend Sat with my mum or sister, dd1 sometimes spends friday there too) the next week. This fits in nicely with the new shift pattern I organised at work.

I cannot afford to give up work. Surely my job is as equally important now? If not more important considering he pays no maintenance and often asks me to give them dinner on his days because he can't afford to feed them. I collect them from school on his days and keep them until he finishes work. He agreed to this arrangement in the first place.

AIBU to tell him if it causes problems with him getting to work that's his tough shit, he'll have to sort that out with his employers?

HecatePropylaea Mon 02-Jun-14 12:23:14

This isn't about the kids or the arrangement. it's about punishing you. You finally escaped him and he wants to make you pay. Whatever you come up with, he will want to screw it up in order to cause you maximum headache.

Are you going through the CSA btw?

ChasedByBees Mon 02-Jun-14 12:26:33

Not unreasonable - they're his children, he has to sort this out.

Do sort out maintenance though.

whatever5 Mon 02-Jun-14 12:28:07

It's impossible to say if he is being unreasonable without knowing whether a change in arrangement will affect your job. If you also need to get to work early then you need to take it in turns to be late and/or use a before school club.

D0oinMeCleanin Mon 02-Jun-14 12:37:39

It would effect my job. I would need to leave or reduce my hours below 16 hours. I work mainly evenings, I don't finish until midnight, so they can't come to me after work. I don't want him to have them at my house because he is too messy. His mess is what caused 90% of our arguments.

I've tried to be fair with him. He told me he is being transferred for 3 months to another town over summer. I've agreed to collect the children from him before he needs to leave for work over those three months, because it would be impossible for him to get them to school on those days. I've agreed to arrange childcare over the summer holidays for him to cover his working days. I don't want to collect them early each day because it means I'd be going back to only having a few hours sleep each night, which made me ill when we were together. I feel so much happier and healthier now I am able to sleep in longer after working late.

We had a private agreement for maintenance for dd2, dd1 is not biologically his, so I wouldn't expect him to pay for her anyway. He is claiming to be to skint to pay for dd2 until his new tax credits agreement comes so I've agreed to wait.

Viviennemary Mon 02-Jun-14 12:39:40

If you are having a system of shared care then you both need to be fairly flexible and accommodating or else it's a complete waste of time. IMHO.

Viviennemary Mon 02-Jun-14 12:40:48

Just read your last post. It sounds as if you are being flexible. Sorry.

YouTheCat Mon 02-Jun-14 12:42:46

Tell him that on his days it is up to him to arrange childcare.

BarbarianMum Mon 02-Jun-14 12:43:16

Sounds like you are being more than fair. Just smile and say sorry, can't do.

D0oinMeCleanin Mon 02-Jun-14 12:43:39

Atm it feels like only I am willing to be flexible. It's all take, take, take on his part, which is why I don't want to back down over taking them to school every morning.

I don't get in from work until midnight, by the time I've fed and toileted the dogs, ate my own supper and wound down a bit I'm not getting to bed until going on for 2am. He wants the children collecting at 7:30am. I'd only be getting 5 hours sleep each night and still having to work until midnight. Plus I work split shifts so couldn't even nap during the day.

strongandlong Mon 02-Jun-14 12:47:28

What Hectate said.

You're being flexible enough on everything else, don't back down on this. Your job is as important as his, your health is as important as his, you have every right to get on with your life without making up for his shortcomings.


whatever5 Mon 02-Jun-14 13:13:39

He is very unreasonable to expect you to collect them from his. If he needs to get to work a bit earlier could he drop them off at 8.30 at your house?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 02-Jun-14 13:21:33

Why should the OP have to get up early in order to take the children to school on his days? She's said that she doesn't get to bed until 2am. Only six hours sleep a night is brutal.

He's messing around because he thinks he can. The hell with him!

Chippednailvarnish Mon 02-Jun-14 13:24:35

He's being a dick.

By the way PM your address and I'll pop some stuff in the post to you!

D0oinMeCleanin Mon 02-Jun-14 13:26:46

He could drop them off at school at 8:15am. There is a playground supervisor on from then. Lots of parents drop and run to get to work. Dd2's best friend is one of those children. Dd1 walks herself and likes to be there early to catch up with friends before lessons. She gets on well with dd2, as do her friends.

I don't think this is about getting them to school. I think it is about causing problems for me.

He seems to think that his problems should still be mine. He doesn't appear to realise that his inability to feed his own children or get them to school on time, or keep his own house clean, do not reflect upon my ability to care for them, they only show him up to be a piss poor excuse for a father.

If I was any kind of mother I'd be bothered about the financial ruin I have left their father in hmm and I'd be bothered about causing him problems at work hmm and I'd be bothered about him living in squalor (that bit I am actually bothered about because my children stay there 2-3 nights a week and when he says squalor, he means it)

As I said, he never left before 9am when I lived there. Sometimes he'd take his bike and leave at 8:30am, which he can still do, providing he gets his shit together on a morning. He sorted out uniform last night. I gave him my key, he came in and collected it while I was at work. He picked it from drawers literally bursting with clean shirts. If he choose a small one, that's his issue.

The reason I did not have time to get it ready before work was that I'd spent the day sanitising and cleaning the dump he called his kitchen so that my children had somewhere clean to prepare their breakfast this morning. He specifically asked me to stay later and go to work straight from his, because he can't won't tackle the mess on his own and wanted as much done as possible while I was helping. He doesn't know where to start because it had gotten too bad.

dawndonnaagain Mon 02-Jun-14 13:27:45

If he wants the children collecting at 7.30, dd1 can have a key and he can drop them off at 7.30.

Oldraver Mon 02-Jun-14 13:32:04

He's just twatting you around as that what he's used to and getting away with it.

How long was he 'caring' for DD1 ? As he may still be liable for CSA for her. Apply now dont wait.

whatever5 Mon 02-Jun-14 13:33:09

I didn't say she had to do anything. OP has suggested that she would have to give up her job to accommodate her ex but it doesn't sound as if that's the case.

She may decide that her sleep is more important than him keeping his job and possibly paying maintenance in the future.

D0oinMeCleanin Mon 02-Jun-14 13:35:01

I met him when dd1 was 10 months old. He moved in with us 6 months later. By 18 months old dd1 had started calling him "daddy" of her own doing, after first trying out "daddy" on the Ant from the PO ad, my BIL, my uncle and my best friend, so Ex wasn't her first choice, he was just the first man not to correct her grin

I guess now he's having to face up the fact that parenting isn't optional. Just remind him that he can drop them from 8.15am and ignore - his problems aren't your problems anymore.

Hopefully, you will start to relish the fact that you don't have to deal with his shit anymore - you can just nod, smile and ignore.

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 02-Jun-14 13:45:41

If he cannot accomadate or meet the children's needs during his time then he should not be having shared care.

He should chose a amount of time that he can manage with without relying on you.

You being his fall back and his only plan is doing him and you and the children a disservice.

ADishBestEatenCold Mon 02-Jun-14 13:47:43

"If he needs to get to work a bit earlier could he drop them off at 8.30 at your house?"

Why on earth would he need to drop them off at OP's house at 8.30am,
whatever5, when he could drop them off at school at and even earlier 8.15am, giving him even more time to get to work?

D0oinMeCleanin Mon 02-Jun-14 13:47:54

If he starts paying maintenance for either of them I will keel over and die of shock. A Zombie Apocalypse is more likely to happen.

I have no doubt that when/if his TC payments restart they will not be enough to cover the care of his children. That will also be my fault.

Chaz I am already relishing having somewhere to escape the mess and noise he creates. I'm pissed off at this morning's suggestion that I should still take responsibility for him being able to get himself to work on time, but no-where near as much as I would have been if I still had to live with the eejit.

The only thing really bothering me is the squalid conditions he's decided to leave his house in, only because my kids stay there. If he wants to live like a pig, that's his lookout, my children shouldn't have to deal with that.

ChocolateFreckles Mon 02-Jun-14 14:01:08

It sounds like you've given him an inch and now he wants to take a mile. You have offered to help him for the 3 months when he is working in another town and he now thinks that you can do it every day, which will make his life easier.

If it isn't suiting him now, then it's up to him to arrange alternative arrangements. If you cannot help, he'll have to try something else. It sounds like you've given him plenty of suggestions. He's just trying his luck.


ADishBestEatenCold Mon 02-Jun-14 14:02:22

"She may decide that her sleep is more important than him keeping his job and possibly paying maintenance in the future"

I just don't get that, whatever5. Are you suggesting that it would be appropriate for the OP to 'pay' for any child maintenance her ex contributes, by restricting her own sleep in order to meet his childcare needs? Really?

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