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To wonder why nobody, not even a therapist, can love me at all

(81 Posts)
YearningHeartache Sat 24-May-14 23:50:59

I'm not just talking about romance. I'd honestly love some good friends right now, who wanted to spend time with me, who sometimes contacted me first rather than it always being me approaching them. I don't know what is so wrong with me.

I had a therapist until recently, and we had a great connection. We got very close and started to say 'I love you' (sort of like a maternal thing, my own mother has no time for me) and I thought that for once someone did really love me. She showed me so much love, letting me call her whenever I needed to and always having time for me.

But recently she has been disinterested and a bit frosty as well. So whatever I do that puts people off, she finally saw it as well. But I have no idea what it is that I do that's so horrible sad I'm so bewildered and sad, I don't know what to do anymore. I tried to get help, and really put my trust in this therapist, but I feel like I can't trust her anymore. Although I do sometimes exhibit borderline personality disorder behaviour (you wouldn't know, I am a very private person so I control it, but I do sometimes self harm and feel so worthless and depressed) so it could be bpd making me not trust her. I just don't know.

Roshbegosh Sat 24-May-14 23:56:13

She should be reported to her Professional Body, there is no type of therapy where this is normal. Sorry you are feeling so bad but she hasn't suddenly seen something in you that she doesn't like, she was a crap and irresponsible therapist.

Catsize Sat 24-May-14 23:56:17

I am sorry you feel this way OP. Your therapist sounds very unprofessional though. Perhaps she finally realised she was crossing boundaries. Unfortunately, that unprofessionalism has had a bad effect upon you, understandably.

lionheart Sat 24-May-14 23:56:24

I don't think it can be true that nobody can love you.

But, honestly, you should talk to your therapist about your relationship and maybe that will help you with the other stuff.

Sorry you are having such a rough time.

WorraLiberty Sat 24-May-14 23:57:42

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this OP but your therapist is certainly not a professional one.

Perhaps she's just come to realise this or someone superior to her has pointed it out.

Redcliff Sun 25-May-14 00:01:15

It sounds like she has realised she has crossed a line and is now pulling back so nothing to do with you although I am sure it feels like that to you. Sorry your having such a rough time - is there some way you could expand your circle of friends?

itiswhatitiswhatitis Sun 25-May-14 00:03:56

Your therapist has behaved in a grossly unprofessional way and I suspect has realised this and that is why she has suddenly distanced herself from you. You need to stop seeing her and find someone else.

Vijac Sun 25-May-14 00:04:09

I agree, your therapist sounds very unprofessional. With regards you, I am sure that you are very loveable. From your post it sounds like you may be quite down and possibly you talk about your problems a lot? I think it can be tiring having a friend who is down a lot of the time. While friends want to be supportive and loving, they also want to spend their free time relaxing, laughing and gossiping. Also, if someone comes across as desperate for your friendship then it can be a turnoff for some. If you think these might be problems then they are easy to change. Work on loving yourself first.

beaglesaresweet Sun 25-May-14 00:06:28

she probably thinks that you are becoming 'over-dependant' on her, what with calling her any time you liked. But it was unprofessional to draw you in emotionally like this. Now she's trying damage limitation. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you as a person/friend, but she may have panicked that she's overdone it and that instead of finding new friends, you could stay stuck on her so to speak. Maybe she discussed it with a colleague in general terms, and they told her off.
It's very sad OP that you feel unloved - I had those moments too, it's very tough, though I always could rely on my mum's support during rough patches. It's very rough that you can't. Usually though, if you make a consistent effort with people, you will be liked, just try not to 'plead' iykwim as people panic that you are going to cling to them. Even when you feel clingy (I understand that), try very hard to appear just friendly but kind of breezy. I do hope that you'll meet a good friend or/and a right partner soon.

Canthisonebeused Sun 25-May-14 00:07:33

Wow it's really terrible your therapist has done this to you. I think you need to talk to her supervisor or registered body about this.

She did not see anything in you that is dislikable, what she seen was how utterly irresponsible she has been abusing her position and messing with you like this.

I think it's important to you talk with someone about this, request a new therapist or contact her supervisor ASAP.

YearningHeartache Sun 25-May-14 00:10:17

I know it is unusual to behave the way she did. In fact she even mentioned that this had never happened to her before (not exactly sure what was meant by that) so that makes me feel like I made her act in an unprofessional way and then she realised and that is why she dislikes me now. But I really wasn't trying to make her be unprofessional, I was just trying to break down my walls and trust her, and then got attached.

giraffescantboogie Sun 25-May-14 00:11:48

As someone training as a play therapist with ver y very strict regulations I am utterly appalled at this. I am sorry this person has caused you further hurt and pain.

ilovesooty Sun 25-May-14 00:12:08

I'm sorry you are so unhappy, but I'm appalled by your therapist's behaviour. Very unprofessional and unethical.

Did you see her privately? Is she BACP registered?

giraffescantboogie Sun 25-May-14 00:12:38

You did not make her behave anyway. Any unusual feelings she had she should have discussed with her supervisor right away.

YearningHeartache Sun 25-May-14 00:16:23

She is in private practise, yes. I know rationally I can't make someone behave in a certain way, and that it was up to her to keep the boundaries in therapy, but the illogical shitty feeling is shame that I'm so abnormal and horrible that I provoked this behaviour from her. It feels really damaging because when she was being loving I thought omg maybe I can be normal, and maybe I was not to blame at all for my childhood abuse.

Catsize Sun 25-May-14 00:18:59

OP, I knew someone like this who was a vicar. A nasty and manipulative man who needed to be needed and then dropped people at their most vulnerable. He abused the trust of others and had a penchant for wrecking relationships. The alarm bell was 'this has never happened before'. Only of course it had. None of these people were special to him, just pawns whose lives he could enjoy wrecking. Draw a line, and break all contact. It is not your doing in any way. Good luck OP.

giraffescantboogie Sun 25-May-14 00:19:01

You are not.

Were you paying for therapy?

Maybe try play therapy if it is that nurturing, reverting to chilhood emotions that you need? Therapist can hug, role play within appropriate boundaries. I can find you a list of QUALIFIED and very well regulated play therapists.

YearningHeartache Sun 25-May-14 00:25:38

My gut instinct is to walk away. But everything I read recommends a closure session to make sure I get to say all I need to say. I just can't see that going well, however, I think I will get really upset.

I feel so lost at the thought of walking away at the same time. It is a repeat of every other important relationship in my life - realising I mean nothing to the other person. That as soon as they see how substandard I am they want me to walk away.

Yes, I was paying, although she was also seeing me for free sessions as well. Play therapy sounds interesting, I haven't heard of it. If I ever go back to a therapist I will look at this.

She is qualified by the way.

ilovesooty Sun 25-May-14 00:27:50

I think I'd consider contacting the BACP. She shouldn't be in practice.

SallyMcgally Sun 25-May-14 00:32:35

Agree with others that therapist's behaviour sounds odd at best. I'm sure you're lovely. I do empathise. I often feel needy, and tend to see other women as surrogate mothers, and sometimes that has caused problems. I think letting friendships grow slowly, and making sure there's lots of laughs and mutual trust is the best way. I also think you need to find another therapist. Your therapist's role is to be empathetic and supportive, not loving. You need to learn that the childhood abuse was NOT your fault, and to deal with the legacy of shame. I'm so sorry that your therapist has hurt you as well. thanks

YearningHeartache Sun 25-May-14 00:35:05

I'm sorry for being stupid, but is it the saying I love you part that is the unproffessional bit? I've never had therapy before so this was my first experience of it. I know from reading stuff online that it is unusual to say those words to a client but I didn't think it was something to report them for? And it was wonderful at the time, it just really hurts an unbelievable amount now she has withdrawn it.

Tinkerball Sun 25-May-14 00:36:16

It's easy for anyone to be "qualified" , regardless of what qualifications she has she has overstepped the boundaries in a professional relationship and caused you to question things about yourself (as you have said about repeated patterns in your life ). Exactly why these type if relationships have to remain professional to be therapeutic. I'm a therapist working for the NHS and this completely appals me! This person needs reported before she causes someone vulnerable psychological damage.

giraffescantboogie Sun 25-May-14 00:38:22

Qualified is not the same as regulated and ethical!

I would urge you not go back to this woman - from what you have said she is not helpful.

Play therapy for adults is not something i know much about personally but from the issues you have said it does sound very childhood/attachment/abuse based and it might be worth looking in to.

maggiethemagpie Sun 25-May-14 00:38:28

In therapy, you re enact your relationship patterns with the therapist. A good therapist will recognise that and be aware of that and use it as the basis for the therapy, not get drawn into that relational 'dance'. Sounds like that's what's happened here - your therapist should know better.

Do you feel able to bring it up with your therapist ? that's what she should be doing though! As she isn't, you have two choices - bring it up with her, or seek another therapist. You may want to choose a type of therapy that focuses on the relationship between you and the therapist as this is where a lot of the insight can happen, eg psychodynamic ,interpersonal, CAT. Good luck

giraffescantboogie Sun 25-May-14 00:39:49

Totally agree with tinker.

My body of regulated therapists work within really really strict ethical guidelines.

This is not ok.

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