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to think that MN is not a good place to get relationship advice?

(250 Posts)
InForAFlaming Fri 23-May-14 20:05:52

I've name changed for this as I am so obviously going to get flamed.
I've had a couple of threads on the relationship boards, as well as reading quite a lot. I've been really concerned and appalled about how quick people are to denounce someones relationship as doomed and suggest they leave, especially as there are children involved. I realize many of the people giving advice have been in very difficult or abusive situations, and I don't want to undermine the importance of these experiences, but there does seem to be a very quick assumption that everyone's husband is like this, therefore LTB.
When people post, you can only get a very vague sense of what's going on (I'm excluding the obviously awful ones where someone is being hurt or taken advantage of blatantly), and you only hear one side of the story. So how can people be so adamant in their advice?
In reality:
Good people (men and women) do bad things sometimes.
In the lifetime of a marriage/relationship most people (men and women) will at some point say something hurtful, behave unreasonably for a period of time, other things which are not nice.
And I get the impression that on MN all men are supposed to be angels all of the time, as well as being patient and understanding when women are less than angelic due to pregnancy, motherhood, work related stress etc.
Am I on my own here?

meditrina Fri 23-May-14 20:08:09

If yo have an alternative view on a particular relationship thread, do you actually post with your take on it? And suggestions of other courses to take?

It's probably more productive to do that than AIBU about responses on other threads, some of which may be sensitive.

ihatethecold Fri 23-May-14 20:08:41


I know what you mean.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Fri 23-May-14 20:08:55

In reality, if it's not that bad, and you're basically happy, you are never going to LTB on the basis that MN told you too.

However if you're not happy, having someone give you the option to leave (when all social pressures are to stay), can save you from a lifetime of misery.

The fact you didn't LTB and everything is ok, means the system works.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Fri 23-May-14 20:09:26

Told you to*

LaurieFairyCake Fri 23-May-14 20:09:40

I don't recognise what you're saying

I see abusive relationships where a firm line is taken and women are encouraged to leave and 'talk it out' advice when people are just being arses

Are you sure you've read enough threads to form that opinion?

someonestolemynick Fri 23-May-14 20:10:34


I have had a lot of help/ good advice from mumsnet but would not post about my relationship; even when angry.

There is a 99% chance that if you do post about dickish behaviour someone will trot along and say he is being abusive and/or having an affair.

No chance of reasoned relationship advice on mn sad

gordyslovesheep Fri 23-May-14 20:11:14

maybe you should post this in relationships hmm

you canvass opinions you will get them - you can chose to ignore them or act on them <shrug> maybe try Netmums?

TheGirlFromIpanema Fri 23-May-14 20:12:38

If it wasn't for MN I might have stayed even longer in an abusive relationship.
I never even had my own thread but through reading and learning & understanding the dynamics better I got myself counselling and then LTB.


HeartsTrumpDiamonds Fri 23-May-14 20:13:03

I'm with Chris and her horse and Laurie - I think MN can give you an unbiased, unfettered view that your RL friends and family might not be able to.

someonestolemynick Fri 23-May-14 20:13:26

...which is taking impact away from situations where someone IS being abusive.

Really shochked at how quickly people are happy to call a situation emotional abuse

WorraLiberty Fri 23-May-14 20:13:50


I get the impression some people have an awful lot of baggage that they project onto others.

I rarely read the relationships board now because I was fed up of seeing sensible posters ripped to shreds, because they didn't follow the 'party line' that was generally being trotted out.

I hope it's changed and people aren't still encouraging people to 'change the locks' and 'bag up his stuff and leave it outside' the poor OP won't have enough to deal with, without breaking the law too.

notaflamingclue Fri 23-May-14 20:14:08

Completely agree OP. As above, there is great advice to be had on MN but an awful lot of bitter people too.

WillieWaggledagger Fri 23-May-14 20:14:16

i don't see that at all

and i think you're very wrong about this:

"I realize many of the people giving advice have been in very difficult or abusive situations, and I don't want to undermine the importance of these experiences, but there does seem to be a very quick assumption that everyone's husband is like this, therefore LTB."

many people previously in bad relationships are recognising red flags that they didn't see at the time as they were too close to the situation

and plenty of posters are in good relationships actually, and use that POV to state that no, actually you don't have to put up with this shit in a relationship

why don't you post your own response on specific threads, anyway?

gordyslovesheep Fri 23-May-14 20:16:05

see it wouldn't even occur to me to ask for serious advice on the interweb!

InForAFlaming Fri 23-May-14 20:16:09

meditrina Yes I do give my alternative advice sometimes.
Good point thathorse

LRDtheFeministDragon Fri 23-May-14 20:16:13

I think you're wrong, though I understand what you're feeling.

Bear in mind that people can usually get an 'oh, no, Mike/Dave/Alan is a lovely bloke, you two will be fine!' response in real life. Much rarer to have someone disinterested saying to them, things don't sound ok.

I really don't believe anyone actually leaves their partner because someone on the internet posted 'LTB'. But hearing the possibility that it's actually ok, even normal and healthy, to end a bad relationship is really important. Some of us come from backgrounds where divorce still does have a stigma.

I find the gender side of it reassuring (well, I would, I'm one of them 'orrible man-hating types wink). There's not enough of that in real life either, IMO.

basgetti Fri 23-May-14 20:17:48

It's a bit off to start a thread slagging off members of a different section who spend hours providing amazing advice and support to people in really difficult circumstances. Why not post your feelings in the relevant section? Or on the specific thread where you feel the OP is being badly advised?

HecatePropylaea Fri 23-May-14 20:18:04

You are perfectly free to offer advice too. Nobody is stopping you. I read the relationship threads and see quite a good range of advice, tbh.

And advice is all it is. Not orders. Just the random opinions of strangers and it's as useful or useless as you feel it is.

No matter what the advice, it is perfectly within the person's control to say nah, that really is shit advice and it's not going to work for me. They have to read it through, assess it and make their own choice. I like to believe that people are intelligent enough to do that, not blindly follow something that is not the right course of action, because they have been directed to do by someone on the internet.

So again, just get out there and give your own advice. If you feel that what is given is not the best you must have an idea what is, so don't be shy. You might help someone.

CatsCantTwerk Fri 23-May-14 20:18:42

I understand completely where you are coming from op.

InForAFlaming Fri 23-May-14 20:18:51

Finding all responses interesting, it's making me think about it differently. Also nice to know I'm not alone with these concerns.

Sparklingbrook Fri 23-May-14 20:19:43

I don't know. I have Relationships topic hidden, and would not post anything of my own relationship on MN anyway.

I would imagine the topic is full of people who like to 'tell it as it is'?

TheBogQueen Fri 23-May-14 20:20:12

I 've thought this too op luck with the roasting grin

InForAFlaming Fri 23-May-14 20:21:07

sorry basgetti no offence meant.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 23-May-14 20:23:05

Of course nobody can give the full picture on here but half the time posters are married to total dickwads and MNers are sane enough to point it out. People are invested in believing their relationship is worth saving so they often resist the truh but that doesn't stop is being true.
Is be fascinated to know which threads are yours, it would really give us a clue as to your agenda here.

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