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please tell me i should do this

(31 Posts)
lemondriz Wed 14-May-14 02:10:38

So dp has decided to a total prick.....,we have never had an easy relationship and every1 I know including his own family agree dp is major hard work.... At the moment our relationship is -broken- at breaking point!!! he used to smoke quit to have dd2 I discovered him smoking and he -lied- said he would never do it again after a whole load of other lies about it was just 1 etc. Now have caught him again.. Smoking although not great isn't the big deal it's the bare faced lying.....
.so huge row, dp now hasn't
come home!!!he Has now done this a few times now and already stays out a lot for work at a friend as he doesn't drive.... So he gets night off lie in and drinks with friends and I'm stuck at home with kids haging not had a night out ordered a break since new yr 2012 I now have pnd as I am not coping!! tonight I had the idea of just disappearing and booking into a hotel for the night to teach him a lesson. Big problem tho dd 7.5m
is bf and won't take a bottle.. She is,on 3 meals a day and will take a little milk from a beaker.. Should I or is it too unfair on her?

Chottie Wed 14-May-14 05:54:19

Please, please take a moment before you do anything. Do you have a friend or family member who can come over and help you? Someone who can look after the children, make you a coffee and give you some breathing space, to take a moment to think things through.....

lemondriz Wed 14-May-14 06:20:27

I'm only talking about one so he has to feed, bath, control them alone!!! night I'm not running off forever.. How will a friend with a coffee make a difference to his.behaviour!?

wintersdawn Wed 14-May-14 06:34:36

I understand why you are thinking that it would be a lesson for him but is there a chance he would just skip the bath, let them stay up till they crashed and leave you with two over tired kids the next day?

lemondriz Wed 14-May-14 06:51:14

Possibly.. But at least I would get a shower,lie in and short break plus he would have a hard time with.dd

wowfudge Wed 14-May-14 06:56:23

It shouldn't be about point scoring or using your children in an argument. Try to calm down and have a calm, measured conversation with him - no accusations, no shouting. Tell him you need his support and you need him to be there for you and his children. Leave the smoking for now and deal with that another time.

CundtBake Wed 14-May-14 06:56:55

I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my DS with someone in the hope that it would 'teach them a lesson'.

If you want a break, is there anyone else who could babysit?

lemondriz Wed 14-May-14 07:17:59

I am not point scoring.. Trying to get him to.understand! I am not.leaving them with just any1 it's there dad!! we literally talked about it.the day before yesterday and for month long prior to that I'm sick of.the sound.of my own voice at this point !! I'm not sure why any1 would assume I have never talk to.him about this tried to talk to him...

pinkr Wed 14-May-14 07:52:06

you'd let a tiny baby be upset and suffer in order to score points? be an adult for goodness sake and sit him down and have an adult discussion. The children shouldn't be brought into itangry angry

Mckayz Wed 14-May-14 07:57:39

It is not your children's fault that their Dad is an idiot. It is a really terrible idea to leave your children with him to teach him a lesson. Especially a BF baby that doesn't take a bottle.

DizzyKipper Wed 14-May-14 08:07:15

I wouldn't do it. However mad I might be with him I wouldn't have it taken out on my children - and yes whether you intend it or not this will be taking it out on your children. You've said yourself, she's bf and won't take a bottle. She might take a little bit from a beaker, but tbh can you really assume she's going to get enough and should you be taking that chance? If you want a break then for now you have to do it in increments your DC can manage, planned in advance. Running away for a night is not going to fix anything and honestly is not going to "teach" your DH anything - it's more likely to cause more animosity and issues between you. You've said you talk, great. Sit down, talk, and decide on consistent breaks for you to manage your stress levels and PND.

WooWooOwl Wed 14-May-14 08:16:44

YWBU to use to children to make a point. But it probably won't be long until you can leave your children without it causing upset to a bf baby, so plan something for then if you want some time to yourself.

I don't think it will help anyone for you to keep nagging about the smoking. It won't work as the thing that makes him quit for good anyway, so it's pointless and will just build up resentment. It's really not that easy to quit smoking, and maybe he wouldn't lie about it if he wasn't trying to avoid another pointless argument.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 14-May-14 10:28:47

Your PND affects you most but it is likely to impact on him too. How has he been since DD2 arrived? Does he understand that PND is chemical, it's not just you not coping? I am not belittling the upset from this episode but when depressed it is sometimes a way of trying to seize control over one aspect when everything around you feels chaotic.

Don't get into tit for tat. Can you think of a better tactic?

Talk to him (again, I know) when he comes home. It's not just the cost of smoking it's the health issues that worry you. Lying was stupid and only made things worse.

Feeling that rage about DP smoking and lying about it is valid but it isn't the biggest headache in your life right now. Do you have any support from extended family? Is there a Sure Start centre available? How old is DD1 if you can afford a couple of slots at nursery is she ready for it? Can you negotiate with DP a way of getting time together as a couple and as soon as is practical, a break for you?

jeanmiguelfangio Wed 14-May-14 10:34:41

I know exactly how you feel. I have pnd and a dh who lies about smoking. Most people think im being petty about the smoking thing but its the lies that do me in. If he can lie about that, what else can he lie about.
actually, spending the night away sounds like a great idea, but its not. Trust me, half hour and you will want to go back. However time away isnt a bad thing. Rather than a night, just arrange some time away. Just go out for a walk round town or a coffee on your own and leave him with the dc, just to get some you time, and make him see what you have tk do.
although based on my dd she will be a dream and he will wonder what you are on about hmm

CrapBag Wed 14-May-14 10:35:24

I'd stop having a go at people who are trying to offer advice, which is what you asked for.

Sodding off for 1 night to teach him what it is like is not the way. Its 1 night, he knows you will be back to carry on the next day and everything will return to how it is now. You cannot just leave your BF DD thinking that this will teach him.

What good does he actually bring to the relationship? Do you actually love him and want to fix it? If the answer is no, then you need to make plans to leave, or get him to leave.

Go to the GP and get your PND sorted (if you haven't already). That will be making the whole situation worse. Sit down and calmly discuss what help you need from him and what you expect him to do, take out his DD, let you have 1 day a weekend for a lie in, whatever it is that you want. If he won't agree then he is a useless twat and there is no point in you being together. If he does then you are taking steps to getting the situation resolved.

CrapBag Wed 14-May-14 10:37:22

Oh and does he actually want to give up smoking? Trying to quit when you secretly don't want to just doesn't work. I know, I tried it enough times. I am not condoning lying at all because I hate it, but could he be lying because he knows that you will go mad if he just admits he doesn't want to quit? Does he lie about other stuff too?

BigRedBall Wed 14-May-14 10:39:28

Please don't do this. Don't use a small baby to "teach him a lesson". You need to have loads and loads of discussions about what you can do to help each other and grow more empathy with one other. Have a night off by all means, but tell him first. If you leave out of the blue, he may go into arrogance and defensive mode and not do bath and bedtime properly and you will pay for it the next day.

JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets Wed 14-May-14 10:45:26

It's not going to show him anything. The children will be unsettled with him, the baby will be screaming for your boob and he will say that's not how they are with you, and he'll have a point. If anything, he'll be overwhelmed and will be more unwilling to look after his own kids by himself, as his confidence will be shook. My DH was hands on but still was nervous the first time he was completely on his own with the baby (he said he was so use to confirming things with me for his peace of mind, that he suddenly panicked he wasn't "doing it right" and the baby would get upset).smile

SistersOfPercy Wed 14-May-14 10:56:05

The smoking thing, yes he lied, but in his defence I'll say this.

I was a smoker for many many years. DH was always asking me to give up. I tried many times but really I didn't want to quit so these attempts were doomed to failure.
I'd give up for a week, he'd heap praise on me and I'd feel so bloody guilty I'd smoke secretly because I didn't want to disappoint him.

If you've nagged him to stop and heaped praise on him when he has then he will feel bad about having one. A smoker will only quit when a smoker is ready. I learned that as did DH and when I was finally ready to do it myself I quit with ease and I've stayed quit for many years.

I'm not condoning his lie, just giving you a reason as to why he's probably done it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 14-May-14 11:09:08

Has DP been in touch this morning?

FraidyCat Wed 14-May-14 12:18:59

I sometimes accuse DW of lying, when she doesn't do what she said she would. She says she didn't lie, she changed her mind later. I reckon this excuse will work for OP DH, and anyone in his situation.

I also wonder if he lies for a quiet life. If he told OP no he's not giving up smoking, what she be OK with it and leave him alone? Or does she think it's her right to demand he give up, and nag him until he does? If his "lying" is self-defence against constant harassment then I wouldn't hold it against him.

RedRoom Wed 14-May-14 13:23:21

"you'd let a tiny baby be upset and suffer in order to score points?"

Emotive language overload there. What is wrong with leaving a baby for one night with her father? It's his bloody job to take over. I don't believe childcare is solely the woman's job. If a mother is exhausted, and wants to get away from it all for one paltry night, then that's when a dad has a duty to step in.

I find it hard to really hard to believe that a baby will 'suffer' any great deal from having milk from a beaker once or twice over the course of 12 hours or so (which OP says she will take).

OP, you are upset, suffering, exhausted and stressed. Your DP has plenty of good sleeps from what you have posted. Now it's your turn to have a decent sleep for once. You cannot put everyone except yourself first day after day after day for 18 months. You are talking about one night, not a week.

pinkr Wed 14-May-14 19:22:04

hardly emotive language....a breastfed baby who refuses a bottle has no other means of getting milk and therefore needs the mother. That is not to say men shouldn't be helping with baby or are not able to look after them. If the baby would get the required milk early then off course she could leave her. I have no problem leaving my dc with their dad... but I know they will take a bottle if needed. A little bit of milk from a cup may not be enough and will certainly be unsettling to a tiny baby... leading naturally to distresshmm

RedRoom Fri 16-May-14 16:29:27

I'd be surprised if a brief spell of beaker milk for one evening will cause any real suffering. OP has PND, is not coping and is desperate for sleep. Is she supposed to keep on going until she breaks?

And yes, words like tiny, upset and suffer are all emotive and designed to make OP feel as guilty as possible for not being able to put everyone except herself first at all times. A baby will survive just fine on beaker milk for one night.

Mckayz Fri 16-May-14 16:43:08

How do you know that RedRoom? My DD was BF and happily took a bottle of milk from DH. So we booked tickets to go to an afternoon show. DD screamed and screamed and would not take a bottle from my Mum, Step Dad or brother.

So you have absolutely no idea if the baby will actually take it.

Seeing as it is not the children's fault I don't see why they have to suffer.

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