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To ask if you would give up a friend if your DH wanted you to?

(224 Posts)
whynowblowwind Tue 13-May-14 21:52:14

Hear me out.

I have recently had a baby. I am a stay at home mum, and have been trying to meet other new mums (we also have a 7 year old DS.)

One of the women I have met has really not hit it off with DH to put it mildly. He works shifts and I made the mistake of inviting her back to mine with the babies to have a cup of tea and cake, and it was hate at first sight in all honesty.

DH has indicated he would prefer it if I didn't socialise with her outside of baby group related things. He dislikes the fact she smokes and doesn't want our DD exposed to this and also in general feels uncomfortable by her treatment of him - he has pointed out he would drop a friend who was rude to me.

What do you think? hmm

moogalicious Tue 13-May-14 21:55:06

In answer to you title, no.

I have a few friends DH isn't keen on. I have friends who smoke. I like them, so it's tough.

None of them have been rude to DH though, and he isn't rude to them.

Rivercam Tue 13-May-14 21:55:09

I would give her a second chance, but explain that you had a none smoking house. Maybe socialise with her away from your dh.

fifi669 Tue 13-May-14 21:55:10

Someone you've known for 5 minutes was dude to your DH? I'd drop them.

Long term friend DH takes an exception to, he'd have to lump it.

moogalicious Tue 13-May-14 21:55:22


scarletforya Tue 13-May-14 21:55:43

Was she rude to him?

Has this ever happened before?

fifi669 Tue 13-May-14 21:55:45


Spottybra Tue 13-May-14 21:55:52

There's two answers here for you

1) you choose your friends. DH is allowed an opinion but that's only an opinion.

2) she was verbally abusive to your DH in your own home as an invited guest so you side with your DH and keep your friendship confined to baby groups.

Trollsworth Tue 13-May-14 21:56:56

Not if that was the only reason. I would be wondering why they dislike each other so much.

LackaDAISYcal Tue 13-May-14 21:57:48

I think he is being an arse; if my DH tried to tell me who to be friends with he would soon get short shrift.

He may not like one of my friends (and frequently tells me so) but he would never tell me that I couldn't be her friend.

Going on from here though, you could always make sure he is at work when you invite her round, or meet at hers.

LackaDAISYcal Tue 13-May-14 21:59:12

You say it was hate at first sight and then he said he would drop a friend who was rude to you.

Was she rude? In what way?

phantomnamechanger Tue 13-May-14 21:59:30

are you sure they don't know each other from years back? have history?

MaidOfStars Tue 13-May-14 22:00:01

Hmmm. If I has been mates with her first, I'd not have any problem telling him to fuck off. With new friends, if I were aware of massive personality clashes, I'd avoid joint socialising but would continue to see her on my own as I see fit. If she was actively rude to my husband, I'd let the friendship fade.

However, I would be very likely to respond very badly to being asked not to be friends with someone. I am grown up enough, and should be trusted enough, to come to appropriate balances, not instructed to do so.

HecatePropylaea Tue 13-May-14 22:00:13

It really depends.

If they actually were rude to him then yes. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who could be so disrespectful to ME that they could be rude to my husband in my own home in front of me, never mind anything else! (unless he was rude to her and she responded, in which case I'd be furious with him and be apologising to her)

I would also want to limit smoking around my baby as far as possible. But I assume it is just that she is a smoker, not that she's puffing away in your home?

whynowblowwind Tue 13-May-14 22:01:30

She wasn't verbally abusive but a bit snide: she made some reference to him being in casual clothes and also a few pointed remarks about his work, I can't even remember to tell you the truth sleep deprived

I think he thinks I was complaining about him behind his back, and I wasn't!

She didn't smoke in the house don't worry smile wouldn't allow that. But you can often smell it when people do I find.

MrsWembley Tue 13-May-14 22:02:45

So what exactly did she say/do? That will be the deciding factor as to whether you ABU or not...

MaidOfStars Tue 13-May-14 22:03:11

Well, being snide to someone's partner in their presence isn't an attractive trait, so I'd probably feel disinclined to her anyway.

Did she think she was being witty?

MrsWembley Tue 13-May-14 22:04:18


Did you pick up on the snideness or did he point it out to you afterwards. Even sleep-deprived you might remember things said once he reminded you.grin

HecatePropylaea Tue 13-May-14 22:04:30

She doesn't sound very nice. Who goes to someone's home and just decides to make snide remarks to their husband.

casual clothes? digs about his work? What the hell for?

It would make me concerned that she would in time turn out to be a nightmare friend, tbh. How long until you are on the receiving end of some snide comments?

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 13-May-14 22:05:17

If she was actually rude the I would drop her but not because my oh told me too I would do it based on her behaviour

whynowblowwind Tue 13-May-14 22:06:28

I noticed it but I thought it was just 'her'.

He came down and did a sort of 'hi, nice to meet you' and she made some comment like 'even big important (DHs profession) get time off then?' When he said yes, yes of course she then made some snide remark about using it wisely (he was in PJs!)

I don't think she meant it meanly. It did come over a bit unpleasantly. He's touchy about stuff like that though.

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 13-May-14 22:06:58

There's no history he doesn't know her does he <overthinks this>

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 13-May-14 22:08:16

Crossed posts.
Sounds like she was trying to be jokey and he's a but touchy depends. 'How ' she said it though?

EverythingCounts Tue 13-May-14 22:08:39

Agree that she doesn't sound very nice. I was all prepared to come on saying 'no way!' having read the thread title, but on reading your posts she is currently an acquaintance at best, and not necessarily one worth keeping. What do you actually like about her? Or is it a matter of trying to make links with as many people from the groups as possible to see which of them might turn into a genuine friendship? If the latter I don't think this one looks promising unless she has some stellar qualities you haven't yet mentioned.

MaidOfStars Tue 13-May-14 22:09:22

Seems like a bit of a fuss over some ill-delivered and some ill-received comments. If I felt she could be a great friend, I'd probably encourage my partner to give her a second chance.

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