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to think that when parenting, sometimes you have to get it wrong to get it right.

(25 Posts)
Koothrapanties Tue 13-May-14 08:33:02

I got it wrong this morning and I'm filled with guilt and sadness. Dd (7mo) had me up all night crawling around her cot, then was up for the day at five. I lost my cool and shhhed her quite nastily and told her to shut up. It made her cry, real upset tears. I just lost my patience, I was so tired and just needed some sleep.

Now she is asleep on me in the lounge and all I can think about is how wrong I was to be like that with her. All I want is to be as loving and kind towards her as i can and never act like that again. It has made me see that I need to be more patient and that it is unfair for her to have her mummy act like that when she can't help the stage she is going through.

The guilt is there for a reason isn't it? It is to make you change things that aren't right. I feel so awful for losing it this morning, I just needed to write this down. I just feel like I have failed today and I'm trying to make myself see the positives I guess.

Koothrapanties Tue 13-May-14 08:42:58

Me and dh are having problems and I just feel like I'm doing it all alone at the moment. I just feel so bad that it has meant dd has suffered because I can't keep my cool. She looks so innocent asleep in my arms and I'm filled with regret for being so nasty to her.

Beanymonster Tue 13-May-14 08:44:50

If that's the worst you've done so far with no sleep then your doing okay, and I wouldn't worry about it. Sometimes I think with parenting you have to be selfish to do the best for the child!
My dd is 16mo now and pushing the boundaries at every turn, mainly hitting me. We have strict rules in place, but sometimes when she really riles me I just stick her in her cot for 10mins (normally screaming like I've just ripped her legs off..) make myself a cup of tea and ignore until I've calmed down enough to be 'nice mummy' again.. It's not ideal, my dp hates it, but if that's what it takes for me to be able to be nice to her then that's what's going to happen!
Don't feel bad, have a cuppa smile

Koothrapanties Tue 13-May-14 08:51:13

Beany if I'm honest I'm dreading the toddler pushing boundaries stage. I've seen friends deal with it and seen it push them to their absolute limits and I'm worried. If I can't deal with stuff like this morning I have no idea how I will manage with the tougher stages.

I just feel really unstable at the moment. Dh I and had a horrible row yesterday and I could have so easily become violent. I was so so angry I just wanted to smash things and hurt him. It took everything I had to keep it under control. I just don't want to feel angry but it's all taking its toll.

pointythings Tue 13-May-14 08:56:29

You sound very insightful and I think you are right - and given that no parent can get it 100% right all the time, the thing to aspire to is having the ability to recognise your mistakes and then change. You've got that, so you will be fine.

I had a very similar thing happen with DD1 when I kept catching her reading in bed - I started off by losing it with her but then realised that what I needed to do was adjust her bedtime to incorporate a fixed reading time for her. It really helps calm her and there's no conflict any more.

Koothrapanties Tue 13-May-14 09:01:43

Thank you pointy that is reassuring. I just know that being dds mum is the most important job I will ever have, and I'm just scared of messing it up.

Birdsgottafly Tue 13-May-14 09:06:35

"The guilt is there for a reason isn't it? It is to make you change things that aren't right"

I don't think that guilt is ever a useful emotion.

From an outsiders POV, you are thinking about what you have (supposedly) done to your DD and not what could be causing how you feel, the state of your relationship.

I see women trying to carry on, "being a good Mum" and covering up what is happening in the house, when rarely they should be ending what is impacting on them personally, their relationship.

Focus on what is wrong within your household and change every part of it, if your partner is unwilling to change, then now is the time to end it, before your DD is any older.

Koothrapanties Tue 13-May-14 09:12:57

I think he is finally realising that he needs to change. I let the happy mum mask slip yesterday while dd was asleep and just cried and he seemed quite shocked and seemed to realise what he has done. I think because I have to be happy mum for dd he he thinks I'm fine when I'm not. He has been making no effort lately, but we had a bit of a talk last night. I want it to work, but if this is just a temporary change then I can't do it anymore.

Birdsgottafly Tue 13-May-14 09:25:43

You probably realise that both of you need to want it to work, which means long term, unreserved change on his part.

Focus on the example that you are setting, of what women put up with in their personal relationships and gender roles.

Women had to put with such shit in previous generations, which is why we have so many entitled, lacking in responsibility, when it comes to running a household, men.

ShergarAndSpies Tue 13-May-14 09:26:50

Really agree with Birds

It matters more being a truly 'happy mummy' than pretending to be one. Your DC will see right through the facade anyway.

Koothrapanties Tue 13-May-14 09:32:32

I know you are right. It is just hard to let go of what was once a fantastic relationship. Since dd was born it has gone down hill. We used to be best friends and now I'm the one left behind to raise dd while he carries on going out all the time and not pulling his weight. I often think I would be better off alone, at least there would be less disappointment.

I want to give it one last go. I have told him how it feels to be the one left behind, how low it makes me, how I don't feel like a priority, and what I need from him. It's up to him now I guess.

Bardette Tue 13-May-14 09:36:03

It's the worst feeling in the world isn't it thanks. I have 3 dcs and can think of at least one time each where I shouted or something because I was so tired and overwhelmed and it made them cry. When I was pregnant with dc3 I was the worst, most impatient mummy ever.
But guess what, they still love me, I still love them, it will undoubtedly happen again in the future but I will just keep trying my best.
You're doing a great job, your dc isn't scarred for life, she has forgotten about it already!

Viviennemary Tue 13-May-14 09:41:16

I think guilt can be a useful emotion. You yelled at your DD and made her cry and now you wish you hadn't. That is very natural and a good thing I think. Not that you yelled but that you feel a bit bad about it. Nearly everyone has been there so don't stress out. I agree you are doing a great job.

Koothrapanties Tue 13-May-14 09:42:05

Thanks bardette. She seems to have forgotten, yes. She is awake now and playing happily. Thanks for making me feel a bit less rubbish.

heraldgerald Tue 13-May-14 09:48:51

Getting used to being parents, a unit, is one of the hardest parts of having a baby. In France they call the first two years le babyclash. It takes a lot of thinking and talk ing and in our case lots of rows to reach equilibrium. It's hard but worth it. Your in the hardest part in many ways- the first year is exhausting. Don't put on a front to your dp- he needs to know how your really feeling. Your a great mum and we all snap sometimes. Congratulate yourself for doing a brilliant job.

Koothrapanties Tue 13-May-14 10:03:03

Vivienne thank you, I am definitely learning from it.

Herald - I like le babyclash. It has been far more difficult than we thought it would be. We always made such a good team that we thought we would be able to continue that. It has just pushed us apart so far though.

NCISaddict Tue 13-May-14 10:16:42

I felt exactly the same as you with my first DC, DH was carrying on going out all the time and I was stuck at home doing all the relentless parenting. We came very close to splitting up but 22 years down the line we are still together having raised 3 DC's who are just setting off on their own independent lives. The first year was very tough but coming out of that was like coming into the sunshine after a long period of rain but it did take a lot of talking to make DH understand how I felt and for me to understand how he felt.

My advice would be to keep talking, telling him how you feel. It is such a change in your lives and I think it takes time to adjust your relationship not helped by lack of sleep.

WRT snapping at your baby, the fact that you feel guilty about it shows that it's not something you want to continue doing so don't beat yourself up about it.

Koothrapanties Tue 13-May-14 10:29:58

Ncis I think in some cases it seems more difficult for the man to adjust. It came easily to me, dd was born, everything changed for me. For dh he seemed to flail about for a while before panicking and going out loads. He has said so many times how much he is struggling with the change in our relationship.

It keeps getting a bit better but then gets worse again.

Burren Tue 13-May-14 10:31:25

Koothra, don't beat yourself up. Everyone snaps and shouts occasionally, and then collapses in horror at what parental exhaustion has made them become - but bear in mind that depriving someone of sleep is a recognised method of torture. You are literally 'beside yourself' on no sleep. And don't pre-worry about the toddler years - you'll adjust as you go along. You'll learn how to be the parent of a toddler, as your daughter is learning to be a toddler. I found seven months quite a difficult stage - it gets easier from here, as far as I'm concerned.

I have a wonderful but challenging 2 year old, and I'm also cursed with a lifelong hot temper, but I do manage to hold it together 99.9% of the time, as I do not want him to grow up around an angry mother. I have actually been pleasantly surprised at myself, as I am far from 'natural mother' material. Give yourself some credit.

On the issues with your partner - make your needs plain, and what needs to change, but don't underestimate the shock your relationship has received with the birth of a child. My partner was very hands-on and probably did more baby care than me until his job ended suddenly when our son was two months, and he had to commute an enormously long distance to a high-pressure new job - even though none of this was his fault, I was still furious with him for being absent and having to look after a small baby with no support from 7 am till 8 pm (no family or friends where we were living). I feel in some ways we are only recovering now, when our son is two. Continue to make your needs clear, and exactly what you need from him. It sounds to me as if your exhaustion and frustration isn't unrelated to his lack of support.

Best wishes, and let go of the guilt about shouting.

NCISaddict Tue 13-May-14 10:37:03

I know my DH found it very tough, he felt incompetent and useless, not that was any excuse but it was possibly a reason for him distancing himself. I found the only way to get him to engage was to go out and leave him and DD to it instead of feeling I was the only one who could do it all properly! That took time as she was an irregular Bfeeder so was about 9 months before I could do that.

If it's any consolation they went on to have a fabulous relationship and still do now.

Marvintheparanoid Tue 13-May-14 10:41:08

I once shouted at 2.5 year old DD that she had ruined my life and made me want to die sad I was depressed and unhappy and having problems with DH not pulling his weight and she was being a stroppy toddler. 2 years later I still haven't quite forgiven myself, but now I always remind myself to apportion blame correctly. So there are times she is being a little madam and needs to be disciplined, but I don't get to pour all my other frustrations on her.
You've realized much earlier than I did, let go of the guilt, talk with your DH about his attitude, and start afresh with your DD. thanks

Koothrapanties Tue 13-May-14 10:50:09

Burren - thank you very much. I would class myself as having quite a temper too, but I have kept it so much more under control since dd was born. I just feel under so much strain at the moment.

Ncis - dh is great with dd now, but there is just no real support with me. It feels like I have to book his time now otherwise he makes plans. I often go to bed early because I'm so tired, but he doesn't make the effort to spend time together when I don't. It all came to a head a couple of nights ago because I asked to spend time together and he went out anyway. That hurt.

Koothrapanties Tue 13-May-14 10:52:58

Marvin - thanks. It's nice not to feel alone in making mistakes.

NCISaddict Tue 13-May-14 10:56:12

It feels like everyone else comes first with them doesn't it? Are you one of the first in your 'group' to have children, we were and it got easier when the others started families as they were more understanding.
Men can become complacent about thinking that their wives are coping and ok at home alone. We had a lot of rows about it especially when the cricket season started!

Koothrapanties Tue 13-May-14 11:25:33

Yes it does ncis. He got the offer to go out over the phone and I said to him I had wanted to spend the evening together. He said yes anyway. I asked him why that offer was more important than spending time with me, he said it wasn't but still chose to go. It wasn't until yesterday that he admitted it was a shitty thing to do and he was really sorry.

I know it sounds really needy, but it was the first night in weeks we had together as he works evenings.

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