I have been doing some counselling, and issues from my childhood keep coming up. I don't have an appointment until next week but I have had something on my mind and wondered if I could check it out with MN to see if it was normal. It doesn't feel acceptable to me, there's no way I would do this to my own child.
Basically, I can't really cry in front of anyone, only by myself. I have on rare occassions cried in front of my ex partner and also sometimes on the phone with people I'm close to, but it all makes me very uncomfortable.
When I was little crying tended to make everything worse. I can't really remember being comforted if I cried, ever - I think they would try to reason with me, and ask what was wrong - but if that didn't calm me down, then my parents would get angry or cry as well and then leave me alone to cry by myself until I fell asleep from exhaustion. The next day I would have to work hard to show that I was 'normal' again, and I would be so relieved that I was out of the doghouse I would push away whatever the other pain was for a while, until it would come back again. I was a very insecure child with unreliable key family members, so I would get really angry and upset at times, trying to convey how desperate I felt. So I feel that maybe it was my fault for being such a difficult child that I made them abandon me like that when I was in so much emotional distress. As I got older I learned how to keep a lid on it, and although I was a fiery teenager at times I was very self controlled in the main, but became very depressed at times, because the pain didn't go away.
I am in my 30's now. So maybe I'm judging my parents by modern standards - ie like I say I wouldn't leave my child to sob themselves to sleep - but maybe that was how things were done years ago?
Too uncomfortable to discuss this with friends.
AIBU?
To feel this was not normal?
Sofapotato · 11/05/2014 16:25
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