To think that DH should apologise?

[Lovestosing]

I'm really pissed off at the moment. DH has been in the States for a week, came back last night and is understandably rather tired, it was an overnight flight from the States although he did sleep on the plane it was rather fitful.
The DCs were so excited see him, he has been away for a week, prior to that he was away 3 days and came back 24 hours before going to the States, then he was away at a Stag do a few days before that. Basically they've only seen him for about 3 days in the last two weeks. They have all been ill this week and have all been up in the night coughing every night this week. In a nutshell, we're all tired too.
This morning DH had a lie in whilst I took DS and DD1 swimming (DD2 came too to give DH peace) then I got back and got DD1 and DD2 ready for ballet. I then heard DH bawling at DS (7) about the state of his room, really laying into him. He then shouted for DD1 (6) to come upstairs and proceeded to do the same to her. I called up to him and said there was no need for him to them like that and pointed out he has barely seen them lately, etc but he took no notice. I went upstairs to find DS and DD1 both in tears, which is very rare for DS. I was fuming but as we had to go out I had no time to discuss it with DH. As far as I'm aware he hasn't apologised and has shown no remorse for his behaviour. I just can't understand why he thinks it's ok to treat them like that, he has spent no time with them for the last two weeks. I am exhausted too, having to deal with the 3 DCs being ill, working every day and doing all the rest of the stuff and yes I do get grumpy with them at times but I think he has behaved appallingly. Just wanted to rant!

[maddy68]

Sound like he is exhausted tbh

[Flyonthewindscreen]

Yes he should apologise, assuming the rooms were not unbelievably trashed and he was beyond shocked. It sounds as though he still tired ang jet lagged and taking out his bad temper on the DC.

[AuntieStella]

Rant away here.

Then talk this through with DH once you are calm. Someone who is regularly absent from the household but who then returns and expects things to be done his way (without chatting it through with the non-travelling parent) is showing a poor attitude to the household. And you need to get to the bottom of it before its entrenched.

[Simile]

Being exhausted does not give you license to bawl out your DCs. YANBU rant away.

[SmashleyHop]

eh- It's a hard one. There is no need to shout at kids who are just excited to see you. However I've done several flights back and forth to the states and it can take a few days to get back to yourself. Especially on the return to the Uk- you lose a whole day! Maybe a bit of sympathy all around is in order?

[ballstoit]

Sounds like you could all do with some unstructured, chill out time (including your DC...swimming and ballet when you've been ill all week, they're probably knackered which may have made them a little more sensitive to being told off)

Order a takeaway, stick on a DVD and give everyone a break.

[Lovestosing]

There's no doubt about it, he was definitely taking it out on them, and yes, he is jet lagged but I still don't think he should have been so aggressive with them.

[ImogenQuy]

YANBU, and I think AuntieStella's advice is spot on.

[Lovestosing]

I agree. I think I'm being over sensitive at the moment too. I'm also exhausted after being up in the night this week, I work every day but only school hours so I do all the school pick ups and drop offs, and I do the same amount of cooking, cleaning and laundry as I did when I was a SAHM, i.e. almost all of it. The only thing I don't do is look after DD2 during the day anymore as she is in child care.
It feels a bit rich for someone who is away a lot to be so critical of how things are when he gets back, when this week I feel it's been an achievement to have fed all three of them, keep on top of the washing, hear them read, keep the house reasonably tidy and manage to get us all to school and work on time!

[ImogenQuy]

Is he always like this, or is this behaviour out of character?

[Lovestosing]

He is increasingly more like this these days. I used to have less patience with the DCs but now it's definitely him.

[Fairenuff]

He should apologise to you. He has been away from the children and his tolerance to their noise and mess is low. It is him that has changed, not them.

Regarding the state of the house, he has no right to complain if he has been leaving it all to others to sort out.

I think you and he should have a very serious discussion about whether he should be in a job that takes him away from home, if he cannot handle the return. Seriously. It's just not worth the misery.

[OTheHugeManatee]

Is he under a lot of stress at work? Could there be something else making him unhappy? I'm not saying his behaviour is ok but when DH behaves like an arse a bear with a sore head it's usually because there's something else upsetting him.

[Lovestosing]

He isn't that happy at work, so that could well be part of it. I've just remembered that last night after we had sex (he was rather desperate!) and almost as soon as it was over he proceeded to have a go at me about a stain he'd noticed on the carpet! He had noticed it before we had sex but didn't want to mention it, probably because he knew I would be much less willing after being told off!

[JanineStHubbins]

at your last post

[Lovestosing]

To be fair, it is a bad stain (white paint) and I have tried to get it out, it is fading but not having much luck with it! So if anyone has any tips?

[DoJo]

That seems oddly premeditated to actually call a child upstairs to berate them. I can imagine tiredness taking over and causing one, or both of you, to snap a bit more than normal at trying behaviour, but to pick over something that obviously isn't really an urgent or pressing issue seems mean.

Is he usually the disciplinarian? Is room tidiness a bug bear of his? Has he even acknowledged that making two of his children cry wasn't particularly productive or a pleasant homecoming for him or them?

[Lovestosing]

He doesn't keep our room Dojo! He is rather anal about certain things (like possessions being kept as new) but rarely tidies and never cleans! DD's room wasn't even messy, she had left her clothes on the floor after changing into her ballet outfit. Hardly a heinous crime!

[DoJo]

Oh dear - slow typer! I find it a bit disturbing that the stain didn't bother him enough to put him off having sex, but warranted an immediate reference as soon as it was over. It sounds like you both need to discuss how to make things easier to manage - good luck.

[DoJo]

Hmm - so definitely not worth blowing up over. You need words, don't you?

[Lovestosing]

And DS's offence was that he had a heap of clothes at the bottom of his wardrobe, which does madden me, and I usually sort it a few times a week but it has been left this week.

[Sigyn]

But if there is a stain on the carpet and he is unhappy about it, why doesn't he sort it out?

I have to say...my partner travels overseas, and its hard on him, no doubt about it. I have sympathy, and much more nowadays that the dc are older. BUT when he comes home, his absolute priority is to see the kids. If I've been away, my absolute priority is the kids.

I think in your shoes I'd suggest that you all start over, accept that everyone is tired etc.

But I also think you need a chat about the housework. Does he live there? If so, unless he is working MUCH longer hours than you (and childcare is work)-then he needs to spend the time he's currently spending on nagging, on tidying.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

He wasn't over-tired he was being a big bloody bully. Who would shout at their kids and make them cry, over something so trivial and after not having been at home for weeks? If he's not willing to apologise to you he should most certainly apologise to your children. For being an arsehole. A big bullying arsehole.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Weeelll I think a big discussion is called for, where you make it clear that as his standards are so high, when you are left alone to do absolutely bloody everything for nearly a fortnight it's clearly a disaster and you simply aren't up to the job... so, answer is that in future definitely no stag dos, definitely only the shortest work trips, and if it's necessary for him to work away, the INSTANT he is back he gets up early the next day to rectify the no doubt woeful state of the house, rather than have a lie in. He is clearly NEEDED to supervise all domestic chores. In fact, it might be a good idea for you to go away for a couple of days, so he has a better idea of what it's like with just one adult in the house and can more clearly pinpoint the areas in which you're simply making sloppy organisational mistakes. In fact - pack now! This state of affairs simply can't go on.

And do tell him how nice it was for the children to be reminded so soon after his return just what an arse he can be. Smile and say, oh well, at least I'm sure they won't spend so much time next time telling me how much they're looking forward to you coming back!

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Oh and maybe drop the sex. That makes me very angry actually - little prick - once he'd used you to scratch the most pressing itch, the second most annoying thing on the list could be dealt with eh? What an absolute scrote. You know, on here the advice is usually - and very wisely - to not use witholding sex as a weapon. But if I were you I'd be only too delighted to pull a sad face next time he gets randy and say how terribly sorry you are but all you can think of when sex is mentioned is that flipping stain - it's really associated in your head now. No, can't possibly have sex. Now, where was the turps again? See you in a minute, darling...