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That it's not 'his' money!

(242 Posts)
NameChangeAnon Thu 08-May-14 13:32:55

I've NC as I know a couple of MNetters in RL (though they already know my DH has his moments, especially with money related matters)

Just on the phone talking to DH and mentioned that I've found a reasonably priced masters degree, distance learning, in my interest area. It will be £4k over 2 years for part time. I'd like to start in 2015 as a goal.

I am currently a SAHM with 2DC, one YR and the other has another year before starting school. This was a choice we made, to have a SAHP until school age. We were both career changing so it could have been him, but he loved the first job he got and it's been going great for 3 years.

Every now and then he seems to have moments where 'he' is the earner and it is 'his' money. He said that he was not going to pay for my masters as it's not necessarily going towards me earning more in a job and is therefore hobby money while it's not necessarily going towards a job it might later I keep getting comments about returning to my old career (where I could get a reasonable salary from the first job) rather than being able to continue my own career change plans.

I was also, at this point, dealing with a potty training toddler, holding a wad of toilet paper in my other hand and getting DC2 to put on underwear. Is it my imagination but am I not also working and therefore entitled to a say in the family money? To be fair he wants to use the money I'm talking about to pay off the mortgage early and I agree with this goal, but I do not agree that he gets to dictate without discussion. He tried a sarcastic 'Do I get £2k a year to do my hobby?' and I said yes so he backtracked to his priority being the mortgage and how unreasonable I was to do anything else but focus on our security.

I really just need a bit of a vent. He's a good DH except he gets stupid wankerish twitchy about money and we're renovating the house at the moment and money is hemorrhaging out of our accounts although we are still perfectly on budget. Perhaps I mistimed the discussion as I knew I'd find prat-with-money-DH coming out this summer of spending.

Also I suppose AIBU to want to do a masters with no specific work related goal at this point? It's in the field I would like to work in, but I wouldn't get a career boost for having it IYSWIM.

HoVis2001 Thu 08-May-14 17:05:31

YANBU and you should definitely do the Master's degree! It's not always about earning power. Then again I am doing a PhD in History, so may not be the most unbiased r.e. education for education's sake.

More seriously - if it's an aspiration of yours, regardless of whether you are also a wife and a mother, you ought to pursue it as far as is practically possible (which it seems it is), and it isn't at all unreasonable to expect for support from your life partner in doing so. smile

HerRoyalNotness Thu 08-May-14 17:06:46

Regardless if it is a hobby or not, I don't see why you shouldn't do it.

Calculate the figures, if you put the 4k on the mortgage how much sooner would the house be paid off/interest saved. Conversely if you do the Masters and get a job after, how many working years do you have ahead of you and what type of income.

Do your research and present facts to him.

Viviennemary Thu 08-May-14 17:10:29

I can see his reluctance. If you have a lot of spare money and £4,000 will hardly be missed then he is being unreasonable to stop you from doing it. But if like most people that's a lot of money to your family then I think your DH has a point. But if it's part of a bigger issue about you feeling you are unfairly treated in other ways then that's different.

Joysmum Thu 08-May-14 17:18:02

I'm currently retraining myself having been a SAHM for 13 years.

What people fail to take into consideration is what we give up to be SAHM's I've 13 years behind my DH on the investment in my career. I can't just return to work at my previous level, I'll be starting again from scratch. My pension, my work skills the lack of value society, and you place on yourself.

So now I'm initially aiming to be a qualified accountant and even then I won't get a job worthy of the level I was at before my daughter because if lack of experience, but I will be in a better position to get a job at less money because I've shown I can learn and want a career. That can't be measured in monetary terms.

NameChangeAnon Thu 08-May-14 17:22:29

I have an interview LIZS and they were recruiting this time last year. I know it won't be lucrative initially but it's somewhere to start.

DeWee Thu 08-May-14 17:24:06

I can see his point if it won't particualrly lead to a job.

Dh is the main wage earner in our house, I'm SAHP at present. I would love to be able to sew better-really tailored stuff, I've never had a sewing lesson in my life, and I've no idea on how to really finish nicely. I think if I suggested I did a couple of course costing that amount he would say "not on your nelly" in a polite roundabout way. Because it would eb for my pleasure, it might lead to a little cash earner, but not really a wage. Plus it would impact on everyone timewise.
If I said "look I'd like to train for (eg) a Speech therepist, costing �8k over 3 years, I suspect he'd agree, even though it would be an initial sacrifice for our family.

Just the same as when he wanted a piano/new computer he came to me and asked what I thought was reasonable from what he'd like.

It sounds though from your OP that if you did this, then renovating the house (which surely is both of you) would have to step aside, and you're finding money issues too at present. In which case I think if you'd come asking if it was reasonable for your dh to spend �4k on his hobby you'd get a resounding no.

So something you need to put away as perhaps a dream for the future when you have that amount of money to spend.

Damnautocorrect Thu 08-May-14 17:31:47

I'm in a similar position, looking at retraining as I can't go back to my previous job.
Personally for me I can't justify it when it might not earn me the money back.
So then we are stuck, what do you do? Maybe you need to phrase it that way. Do you get a minimum wage job (barely covering holiday childcare) just doing something, but not necessarily fulfilling or what you want to do.

firesidechat Thu 08-May-14 17:33:39

DeWee I'm a bit shocked that just because you're a sahm you can't pursue an interest unless it is considered worthy by your husband. I appreciate the financial restraints that we all have to work with, but job satisfaction is worth it's weight in gold.

What's wrong with spending money on something you enjoy as well as things that bring in money? Do these husbands/partners spend money on their own interests? Maybe not.

Perhaps I'm being a bit naïve.

Viviennemary Thu 08-May-14 18:14:02

Pursuing an interest is fine. But when that interest is going to cost £4,000 it's a different matter. It all depends on family circumstances. No use in people saying well SAHM's have the right as much as anyone. But a lot of people who work part-time or even full time wouldn't be able to afford that amount of money.

struggling100 Thu 08-May-14 18:21:51

People in these threads always seem to have a really instrumental idea of how training works: 'If I do X course, I will get Y job'.

When I look at the world around me, it doesn't seem to work that way. Paths to careers are often really circuitous. So many people I know who are successful stumbled across their career in a way that was full of serendipity. In fact, a majority of the people I know who were very directed about careers ('I will do X degree and get Y job') ended up finding that Y job wasn't actually for them, and retraining.

The most valuable thing we have is time, and you never know how much. Doing something important with it is the key to not dying with regrets. There is nothing more soul destroying than sitting in a job you hate from 9-5 every day. I think a lot of people in that situation try to kid themselves that everyone 'ought' to do it, instead of getting out and doing something different.

Of course, there are prudential considerations - it's important not to risk your wellbeing, your house, your fundamental security etc. But provided that you can follow your dreams without doing that, then why not go for it? If it means not taking a holiday for a couple of years, or not buying new clothes for a bit - fine. It'll be worth it.

NameChangeAnon Thu 08-May-14 18:29:18

DeWee we have the money set aside for the renovation. The builder should be done by August and I'll be decorating Sept. We might even have the money to do an extra job like the front drive. We remortgaged so DH wants to pay off the extra loan money in a few years. We've paid a lot of the mortgage over the last 3 years, money for the work so I feel we're just borrowing back our savings rather than new debt.

£4k is a lot, I know that and of course it's a lump off the mortgage. I can see his point but I still feel that a long term goal of mine has just been dismissed because he's the one with the wage slip. We could afford it if we wanted to, and still slightly overpay the mortgage. But of course 'we' have to want to and he just said no to the discussion.

firesidechat Thu 08-May-14 18:34:01

You put it so much better than me struggling.

Massively stereotyping here (my husband is the model for this) but some men can spend a fortune on black boxes - new tv box, hifi equipment, dvds. It's an interest, but none of it is essential, despite what they say. If it has been budgeted for then that's fine and I wouldn't dream od vetoing such a purchase. Personally I think education is more worthwhile than something that will be obsolete in 2 years time.

I don't smoke, don't go down the pub, rarely buy new clothes, don't have beauty treatments, but money spent on interests is money well spent.

firesidechat Thu 08-May-14 18:36:35

That's tough NameChange.

If that's his mind set I don't know how you change it.

It might be a cheeky question, but does he spend money on his interests and things he likes doing?

Swannery Thu 08-May-14 18:42:34

Women who have children so often seem to want to give up their old career, and do something more fun when they go back to work. While the husband is expected to earn the real money. Unfair.

firesidechat Thu 08-May-14 18:51:13

Except that many of those women are also doing most, if not all, of the work at home too. They don't get a cushy life necessarily.

Pagwatch Thu 08-May-14 18:52:45

Or perhaps what is really unfair is when the woman is the one who gives up several years and gets her arse kicked right off the career path she might have already worked 10 years to create ..

Bonsoir Thu 08-May-14 18:54:22

OP - it is perfectly legitimate for your DH not to want to fund your further education unless you are reasonably sure of a payback in future earnings.

Chunderella Thu 08-May-14 18:55:02

YANBU in that his attitude to the money stinks like a shovel of shit. However...

I do think both of you seem to want to move the goalposts from what's been agreed, you with the Masters and him with the hints about you going back to your old job. Neither is being more or less unreasonable than the other. I can see why it would feel like a slap in the face because you supported him with his studies, but the way you describe the courses is quite different: correct me if I'm wrong, but his fell into the inessential but useful category and yours is inessential but might be useful. That makes it sound like his was the better investment, and if that's the case you're not comparing like with like.

I'm not saying never do the Masters, but it does sound like you have a great opportunity to be mortgage free quite soon. It's worth bearing in mind that interest rates have been at a historic low for sometime, so now is a good time to pay down debt. The fact that this course is 4k kind of takes it out of the realm of a hobby. It would be different if you were well off, but you've said you're not. But presumably, if you have no mortgage in a few years, there'll be a lot of spare income then. What about if you agree to delay things now for X years, but say you want to do the course in 2018 or whenever, and this is as far as you're willing to compromise? Naturally DH should not be spending several grand on expensive hobbies during this period either.

NameChangeAnon Thu 08-May-14 18:56:52

Swannery I can't go back to my old career. It is possible not to do the shift work and weekends but childcare friendly hours are nigh impossible to get. I did apply for the one job that would have been OK for hours but rather stuffed up the interview when I asked them to repeat an answer to a question I'd asked. It had huge legal and ethical implications and I may have used my 'tone' when they gave a dismissive answer the first time grin

So you tell me what I can do 5 days a week 930-1430 in the current work climate with having not worked for 5 years and only having a healthcare professional qualification and an Eng Lit degree? My 'fun' tutoring would pay £22 an hour if I get it so I think it's a valid choice and also 'real' money if I can increase hours later.

firesidechat He used to spend vast amounts of money on his hobby (half the garage is taken up with thousands of pounds worth of kit) and that was his counter argument - can I have £2k a year to do X? I replied yes and I'd be happy for him to. So he'll not use that argument again (shame). He does like electronic gadgets and he has a few that he 'needed' including an iPhone5 and laptop this year. I might have just started formulating a counter argument.

firesidechat Thu 08-May-14 18:59:13

Honestly what happened to husbands and wives supporting each other?! Wives are only worth spending hard earned cash on if they can guarantee a financial contribution, like some kind of profit and loss account?

22honey Thu 08-May-14 19:04:21

Sorry, but you sound a bit spoilt to me.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Thu 08-May-14 19:07:12

It works out as £170pm over the four years.

Does he spend £170 per month on his own hobbies/interests?

HerRoyalNotness Thu 08-May-14 19:08:03

honey spoilt hmm

Nothing spoilt about wanting to educate yourself and perhaps re-enter the workforce at a higher level after such a break from work.

OP, does your DH still do this expensive hobby? Might be time to recoup some funds selling his kit!

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 08-May-14 19:08:38

I can see his point to be honest and I'm not sure I wouldn't feel the same way if my dp were a stay at home parent suggesting similar.


MelonadeAgain Thu 08-May-14 19:11:49

I think you need to fund your own Masters, like most students do. Get a part-time job or something.

I would feel exactly the same about a male partner who announced such an intention.

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