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To have declined this wedding invitation

(358 Posts)
Eminybob Sun 04-May-14 07:57:52

I'll try and keep this brief, but also don't want to drip feed so bear with me!

DP and I have been invited to a very good friend of ours' wedding. In fact DP was asked to be best man.

We were told last summer that the date had been set for 2nd August 2014. No problems at all, DP accepted his best man role, he has been organising the stag do abroad and we said we were very excited for bride and groom and couldn't wait to see them get married.

However, during this time, DP and I had been TTC, probably since about the end of 2012, and had a MMC in May 2013.

So, when we found out in November I was pregnant we were over the moon! But, based on original lmp dates, my due date was.... You guessed it, 2nd August.

Didn't really think about it much at the time, obviously the excitement and scariness of the pregnancy was our main concern! Also of course, due to previous MC, weren't telling anyone until after 12 week scan. When we had that in January, dates changed slightly to 29th July due date. DP called groom to share great news mentioned when due but again didn't really think about the wedding.

When we next saw bride and groom (let's call them B & G) who live away (but the wedding is local to us) the dates were mentioned. DP and I had discussed it before hand and thought it best that he resigns his best man post as the likelihood is that we won't be able to make the wedding, and we'd need to decide what to do about the actual invite itself.

When we spoke to G, he was very blasé, oh you can bring the baby (um if it's born yet, may only be a couple of days old, I wouldn't feel up to it, or I may be overdue in which case not up to attending, and would need DP with me in case I went into labour)
We explained this, but G said he'll get a stand in best man, but still have DP as best man. DP said no, don't get him a suit etc as it's more likely than not he won't be able to be there. He said he'd still continue to arrange stag do.

G was getting more and more agitated, said, oh well we'll see closer to the time (umm my due date isn't going to change so why wait??) he has a bit of a "jokey" go at us about timing, and even B used the words "bad timing". They know we were TTC, and I'd told B about the MC so I was a bit upset and thought they were being rather insensitive (I may be being unreasonable about that)

We also told then at this time that we thought it best if they don't pay for a meal for as we are unlikely to be there to eat it (and we know their budget for the wedding is tight)

So, fast forward to April, and the official invitation arrives. In the mean time DP has told G several times that he is stepping down as best man, yet G texted him, asked if he had invite, mentioned something about getting measured for suits (!?) and asking for us to confirm.

We thought we had been clear, but DP text him back, a long heartfelt regretful text, no he will not be best man, we are declining the wedding invitation as we will more than likely be unable to attend, but if on the off chance baby is born early, DP will come to the evening reception, but don't order food etc for either of us. (This is all stuff we'd said before but I think they were hoping we'd change our minds)

Now we haven't heard anything back, G is not returning dp's texts.

They have obviously got the hump with us, but we are doing what's best for them, or so we think, we can't commit when we don't know what's going to happen.

So, are we BU? Or are they? And should I step in and text either B or G? And what would you say?

Gennz Sun 04-May-14 08:00:41

How far away is the wedding? If it's local to you I think you could probably go & DP could still be best man - they could hardly have the hump with you for not showing if you go into labour!

EasterSundaySimmons Sun 04-May-14 08:03:00

Texting does not convey any emotion or tone.

I would send a handwritten letter from both of you expressing disappointment at not being able to commit to attending their wedding because your due date is approximately around their wedding day and you need to be at home with your partner close by.

Wish them all the love in the world for a wonderful day and that you look forward to seeing photographs and a video if there will be one, of their special day.

Eminybob Sun 04-May-14 08:03:08

It's about a 45 min drive from us, but if I've already had the baby very recently I won't want to go, and don't want them to waste their money on meals and a suit for DP.

Gennz Sun 04-May-14 08:04:26

why don't you call them?

Eminybob Sun 04-May-14 08:04:27

Easter we had done that face to face (or so we thought).

BiscuitCrumb Sun 04-May-14 08:04:30

I was thinking the same. If it's local you should still go surely. If you are in labour then you'll pull out and they are aware there is a chance you won't be there. Or do could go without you and if you go into labour (these things normally take a while) he could leave to get to you. If baby is already born, he could still go, you could stay at home with the baby.

limitedperiodonly Sun 04-May-14 08:04:58

You two have the patience of saints. They sound mad.

Did you get a poem in the invitation btw? wink

Oh and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Eminybob Sun 04-May-14 08:05:26

I've been trying to get DP to call G, but I think he's got the hump now so refusing. I was thinking I should.

Eminybob Sun 04-May-14 08:05:56

Yes there was a poem! And thank you x

BiscuitCrumb Sun 04-May-14 08:06:16

What I'm trying to say is why do you both need to decline especially when your dh has been asked and accepted to be best man.

MelonKim Sun 04-May-14 08:06:33

lol at bear with me


MelonKim Sun 04-May-14 08:07:02

shit - it IS bear, isnt it? Bare would be weird

* slinks off *

MelonKim Sun 04-May-14 08:07:45

wrt OP
why are you texting each other - CALL

wheresthelight Sun 04-May-14 08:08:06

Personally I think Yabvu!!! Chances are you will not give birth on your due date so cancelling on "but I might" is really out of order if they are good friends.

I think the b&get have been very accommodating in offering together a back up just on case and allowing the baby if it does arrive on time/early

You are pregnant not ill

Shockers Sun 04-May-14 08:08:12

A long heartfelt text?

I think your DP should ring or go and see him.This man considered him to be his best friend!

Eminybob Sun 04-May-14 08:08:35

He accepted being best man before we got pg, the whole point is trying to save them money. Otherwise we'd just say yes and be done with it.

wheresthelight Sun 04-May-14 08:09:35

To get not together blooming autocorrect

Only1scoop Sun 04-May-14 08:09:49

Could he literally plan to go do the church/speech thing and come back....<providing you not in labour of course> obviously you can't go but could he just do the dutiful bit and then come away? It's not far away....

Bowlersarm Sun 04-May-14 08:10:51

Agree with Biscuit. I can see why b and g are upset if you are just point blank saying no to them when you don't know what will have happened at the time. Your baby may be two weeks late and then it's no problem for your husband to go to the wedding only 45 mins away.

Booboostoo Sun 04-May-14 08:11:09

They sound a bit bonkers and very self-centred! Do they have no idea how babies are conceived or how little control anyone has over timing?

I don't think either of you can reasonably go unless you are very lucky and the baby arrives a couple of weeks early and you are feeling well. If you are late you'll probably be feeling really fed up by that stage, if the baby has just arrived there is no way you will fancy a wedding and party, and if there are any complications like a CS you'll still be in hospital.

impatientlywaiting Sun 04-May-14 08:11:16

Wow this is probably the most reasonable AIBU I've read in a long time.

You are being completely reasonable. Sounds like B&G just really want you there and are a bit naive to baby's arrival schedules and how the expectant mum will be feeling.

I would tell them you will attend as much as you possibly can, but you don't want the added responsibility of them spending money on food for you. So if baby hasn't arrived perhaps you'll both feel up for the ceremony, welcome drink, DH will take you home and either both or just DH will return for the evening do? Or if baby has arrived you'll play it by ear and perhaps DH could pop into the day for an hour either for ceremony or afterwards.

I'm currently 5 days past my DD and currently snuggled in to my 4 day old newborn. Wouldn't want my DH to swan off somewhere for the day, but absolutely would be fine if he had something important like a wedding of mutual friends and wanted to show his face.

Hope it all gets sorted. Try not to get angry with them as I think they genuinely want you there and are perhaps clueless rather than having any bad intentions.

Eminybob Sun 04-May-14 08:11:32

I know about the text thing, I've been trying to get DP to call him but they are text type of people. They live away so can't go and see them. We have tried to say this to their faces several times when they have been here.

I think it's really lovely that they are willing to spend money holding places you may not be able to use, they obviously treasure your company.

Provided there's no complications if the baby hasn't been born you should be fine to go, you can always leave early.

It would be a shame to miss it and then have baby not appear for another week, which could easily happen.

Shedding Sun 04-May-14 08:13:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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