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To want to block this friend? (Long post!)

(34 Posts)
lbsjob87 Sun 04-May-14 06:33:57

I have a friend, an ex-colleague, who I have known for about 12 years.
We used to do lots together, nights out, holidays even, with us, her and her OH and another couple.
She has always been a perfectionist and a little bit of a diva but it was just her personality, so part of her.
Eight years ago she got severe post-natal depression - so severe she still has it. Like I said, her son is now eight, and she has a 4-year-old as well.
In that time, her husband has left her, taking the kids - they now share custody and have them a week each, her parents have moved to be nearer other family but practically disowned her and she got the sack for accidentally sending a derogatoryemailabout another colleague to AllStaff instead of to one person.

So she's had it tough. But now I don't know what to do.
She is constantly negative about everything, day in, day out.
she has had (or been offered) every treatment imaginable, some she takes, others she refuses because they are "for mad people, not just those who have a shit life". I don't see her much now because she works long hours, but the last time we did meet up, she complained about her kids wanting to play in the park for "ages" when she wanted to go home, and her eldest said that my LO, then 18-months, was "annoying" even though she was asleep.
We communicate on Facebook (we live 20 miles apart) but she is so negative .i am thinking of blocking her.
I and all her friends have tried so many times to help. One Christmas she was complaining about being alone - I invited her to my family dinner. Turns out she wasn't actually alone, she was going to her boyfriend's parents but she wantd to make her family feel bad.
EVERYTHING is about her. Last week, her 4yo got sent home from school sick. Her status was all " Great, sick kid, had to leave work and clear up after him. FML." Never mind how he's feeling, poor little bugger.
But the thing that's tipped me over the edge is that yesterday I met with two other mutual friends who, due to distance, we see maybe every six months or so, tops.
We had a kids day out, picnic in the park, games etc. One friend put a pic on Facebook. Now she's put "Glad some people have nice days out -I can't paste a photo of one cos I don't."
Clearly aimed at us - and clearly an attempt to make us feel bad. And I do, but I'm sick of feeling bad.
She doesn't know that one friend is dealing single-handedly (as in no other family) with the sudden death of her mum and all the stress that goes with it - part of the reason we met is because I've been helping her and had to hand something over, and that we are currently having a year from hell with financial problems, health problems and two family cancer diagnoses, one terminal, all since January. So we decided to have a bit of fun and chill out. The last thing we needed was her "woe is me" attitude bringing us down.
So her status has really, really pissed me off. Part of me thinks it's not her fault she doesn't know our issues, another thinks she wouldn't care anyway,because they're not her problem.
I am seriously debating blocking her to avoid her several times a day statuses but then I feel bad, as though I am ignoring a cry for help.

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn Sun 04-May-14 06:38:49

Sounds like you need to start thinking of yourself. Don't block her, but delete her, maybe? Or can you unfollow her, so you don't see the statuses?

LettertoHerms Sun 04-May-14 06:40:48

You're an adult, as is she. You're not under any responsibility to maintain a one-sided friendship with her, of no benefit and of actual detriment to you. It's not your job to take care of her, or put up with her rudeness and meanness aimed at you.

If you don't want to block her completely, there's an option to hide all her statuses from showing up on your feed. But I don't see any reason for you to keep such a negative person in your life.

Happyringo Sun 04-May-14 06:41:33

She sounds like hard work. I can't stand "vaguebooking" statuses like that. If you can't bring yourself to block then unfollow her, so you at least won't see her posts.

Gennz Sun 04-May-14 06:47:18

she sounds utterly vile and toxic. You are not being unreasonable!

winkywinkola Sun 04-May-14 07:03:06

How do you respond to her constant negativity?

She's an adult. It's up to her. She can choose to be poor me but you're right, it is very draining for you and her poor dcs.

I would avoid her or start telling her to belt up. Either way, you'll feel less drained. In the long run.

NickNackNooToYou Sun 04-May-14 07:13:36

Don't block her just, hide/unfollow her.

Don't respond to her posts on FB, it gets too personal and Jezza Kyley!

In my eyes you either slowly withdraw from her or meet with her and have an honest chat about stuff. Personally I'd do the former.

PansOnFire Sun 04-May-14 07:19:13

I'd just post something breezy back to her like 'Oh that's a shame, you should join us next time' and then hide her posts. If you block her it will lead to more drama whereas if you just hide her it means you don't have to deal with her and she would be none the wiser. Alternatively, you could ignore what she has written but that might goad her into more guilt trips. People like that often don't stop until they get the sympathy they want, she sounds very jealous. She clearly uses facebook to indulge in this woe is me attitude, she needs to get rid of it.

I have relatives like this, everything is about how they have nothing and how we everything despite the fact that it's really not true. Every nice thing that happens is followed by a 'oh I wish we had the chance to do that' or 'it would be nice if someone offered to take us/buy us that/include us' etc but then they never make contact with us unless they want something (either lifts or money) and it's very frustrating. Each time we meet up it feels like they don't even want to see us, or it's all very fake and then we don't hear from them for months whilst hearing about how awful we were from mutual relatives who have had to listen to it from them.

You can't win with people like this, it's all about attention and drama and she's clearly unwell. I wouldn't provoke anything by confronting her or making any gestures like deleting her on facebook, it will just make her worse. Go quietly, stop initiating any contact and be non-committal when she gets in touch with you. If people stop pandering to her then she'll have no option but to change or be lonely, it's not your responsibility in the slightest and it sounds like you've really tried with her. You don't need someone like this in your life.

Littleturkish Sun 04-May-14 07:21:58

It sounds like it's terribly draining for you.

Does she bring anything to your life any more? Do you still laugh together? Feel supported by her?

Would a frank conversation with her help at all? And then 'unfollow' if she responds negatively to that, too?

minibmw2010 Sun 04-May-14 07:25:01

If you're feeling brave enough put something like 'oh for gods sake cut out the woe is me'.

FTRsGotAShinyNewNN Sun 04-May-14 10:52:45

Hide her posts, set her as an acquaintance and set your posts to 'friends excluding acquaintances' then she can't see what you're posting either.
I think after a certain amount of time supporting someone who doesn't help themselves it becomes detrimental to your friendship and yourself, take step back and if things change the above can be reversed

MammaTJ Sun 04-May-14 11:32:50

I often hide posts from certain people. Try that for a while and see how it goes.

PeppermintInfusion Sun 04-May-14 11:37:19

^ exactly this above ^ blocking causes even more drama in itself. She will be none the wiser if you do what the poster says here, and you won't have her whining statuses etc aggravating you when/if you do see her in person.

Nottalotta Sun 04-May-14 11:38:03

I would try a frank conversation. Then, if no joy. Block.

Neverknowingly Sun 04-May-14 11:48:34

I would "like" her response <childish>

Then hide her!

Foodylicious Sun 04-May-14 12:08:29

I agree you could start by hiding her posts on FB and not initiating any contact by text or phone.

It is very sad that she has had such a hard time and sounds like an even harder time adjusting. But like you say you and your other friends have had plenty of your own stuff to deal with too.

I really think it sounds like this friendship has come to the end of the road.
Always a bit sad to let them go, but if you are not getting anything positive from this then its not really a friendship anymore and probable hasn't been for a while.

Also try getting off FB a bit more, its soo easy for checking it a few times a day to become part of your routine and post loads of stuff on there about what you are doing. Personally I had another 'cull' a while ago of people I really don't have any interest in anymore, am unlikely to go out of my way to see.
I have made myself make more effort in calling and texting or emailing actual friends, and only use FB for nonsense and trivia, or keeping in touch via PM with friends far away/in another country.

Joylin Sun 04-May-14 12:13:45

This is how she's learned to get attention, if everyone ignored her pity posts she'd be forced to change her behaviour to get the attention she wants.

This has nothing to do with depression, depression doesn't make you lie in attempt to emotionally manipulate others, it doesn't make you a nasty, selfish person who feels no empathy for your sick child, she has plenty of time and energy for creating drama but none for bringing her kids to the park, caring for them or even trying to provide them with a happy loving childhood.

She needs a kick up the arse, she needs to know that the world doesn't revolve around her, that she's supposed to care for her sick kid, that they're the one in pain not her, that if she wanted happy memories she'd get off her arse and create them.

This is someone who will be a deceitful, attention seeking, toxic, bitter, nasty, uncaring person whether they're depressed or not. I'd cut her out and give her a list if she asked why.

Freckletoes Sun 04-May-14 13:00:50

I have a friend who is always woe is me about her exH and bitter divorce 15 yrs ago. She also was working in a job where she was constantly getting put upon and didn't do many thing to change it, yet moaned like buggery. I distanced myself from her as going out for a drink with the constant negativity was just dragging me down. We have had very little contact in the past few years.
However now she has a fantastic new job (which I helped her to find!) and seems a lot happier about her lot. Still obviously has the ex (who too be fair is a total wanker!) so not sure whether she has moved on from that yet. But I think it is time to re-connect as she seems a lot more positive about life. Was this the right thing to do? Should I have stuck around to be a more supportive friend? Maybe, but then I think I may have ended up really resenting her whereas now we are in a reasonable place which will hopefully improve.
This friend of yours OP is making you miserable, I would very quietly move away from her. Some people are just never happy and live life bitter and twisted my mother

UncleT Sun 04-May-14 13:08:38

I have big respect for MH issues, not least because I have experienced hefty ones for years myself. She, however, can fuck right off with making you feel guilty for daring to go out with other friends. YANBU.

TheHorseHasBolted Sun 04-May-14 13:24:12

I know someone who behaves a lot like this. I haven't blocked her because I haven't actually seen her in person for about 2 years and she doesn't seem particularly interested in feeling hard-done-by by me, but if I was one of the people she hints are bullying or excluding her, I would definitely have blocked her (or at least hidden her statuses) by now. (I did hide someone else's statuses because they were so right-wing!) You shouldn't have to avoid FB yourself because of what someone else is doing.

TheNewSchmoo Sun 04-May-14 13:27:12

I had a friend like that. Wore me down for 20 years. Tried again and again to get her to consider anyone but herself. Eventually when her oldest friend said to me "oh but you know it's pay and parcel of being friends with X that everything is about her", I thought, you're right, it is. I ended the friendship 3 years ago. Have not regretted it for as much as a second.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 04-May-14 13:31:07

I distanced myself from someone like that and tbh haven't really felt a huge loss. Problem is with people like that, you can never so right by them but always wrong. Just too much hard work, utterly draining and just not worth it.

RockinHippy Sun 04-May-14 13:37:42

There's a big difference between MH issues & a wallow in it, woe is me, self centred Narcissist & sadly for you, your friend sounds like the latter.

I have had experience of similar with a very old friend of mine too, lots of layers to it, as I'm sure there is with you, but her big putty me banner is losing her DF to cancer 14 yrs ago & she turns every post anyone makes about losing, or enjoying time with parent all about her grief

- I finally bit the bullet & replied to one of her many woe is me, "my friends don't care, I don't get invited anywhere, I need better friends posts"hmm I pulled her up on it by pointing out that she goes places & doesn't invite others & that's fine, it's just life & to be more positive, maybe set up events & invite others if she's feeling left out etc etc - she really turned on me & was twisting & manipulating her replies to make me look as bad as possible - thankfully other close mutual friends saw right through it.

I ended up replying - in order to have better friends, you need to BE a better friend & then deleted her - no guilt at all, as for all the sweet broken bird she portrays to those who don't know her well, I know different - I gave it one last shot, so at least she knows why & I don't feel I didn't try - she's still leaving woe is mes under other friends post - a mutual friend lost her DM last week & she was straight in there sympathising whilst laying it on like a trowel about missing her dad & turning it around to be all about her -

once in that mould, those sorts don't change, they just get worse as they get older, so do yourself a favour - give it one last shot for your own sake & then dump if she responds in the way you expect

Good luck

NoodleOodle Sun 04-May-14 13:41:56

At my most pitiful with depression I would never have exposed myself like this, in fact I hid away from Facebook along with the world. That's why I find these kinds of statuses so odd, I don't associate them with depression, more a personality disorder or something.

I would hide them as suggested, not block, which would only put you at the centre of one of her dramas.

SmashleyHop Sun 04-May-14 13:50:12

I have a friend like this. Been friends since we were children and obviously when I moved over here our friendship was maintained mostly through facebook/skype. Her husband cheated on her with her best friend who happened to be living with them. She had been kicked out of her own home with a young son and my friend took them in without a question.

It was a terrible horrible thing to happen to her. Three years later though she was still going on and on about them. She had a new fiance, her two daughters, her own home, family and friends lining up to be supportive but all she posted was "I am so fat/ugly/lonely... I hate my ex/ex best friend...They won't leave me alone but I can't stop talking about them either"

It drove me batty. So whenever she posted something like it I just continued to tell her the same thing. "You have a charmed life and tons of support- the more you waste your breath on these two the more they feed into it. STOP TALKING ABOUT THEM! They will go away eventually"

I think she has finally got the hint. She did thank me not too long ago for being the kick up the bum she needed. Maybe your friend needs you to kick her up the bum. If anything she might block YOU for a while! smile

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