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To feel slighted by this?

(31 Posts)
GreatJoanUmber Sat 03-May-14 22:01:37

DH's cousin is getting married this year. I found out today that she is inviting DH's brother and his wife, but not us.
I feel offended as I think if you invite one brother/cousin, surely you'd have to invite the other as well?
In fairness though, we didn't invite her to our wedding - we didn't invite any of DH's cousins as he has more than a dozen and that (and partners) would have bumped our numbers up too much; whereas my BIL and SIL invited her to theirs.
Still, we get on well and I just think it strange to selectively invite cousins - or am I strange/OCD for thinking you must invite 'fairly'?!

feelinghothothot Sat 03-May-14 22:03:11

are you irish? this is oh such an irish dilemma

AgentZigzag Sat 03-May-14 22:04:29

Are they closer to your DHs brother?

I'm sure it's not because you didn't invite them to yours (although were they invited to your DHs brothers wedding?), it'll just be down to numbers, the same decisions you had to make.

How do you get on with them normally?

IwinIwin Sat 03-May-14 22:09:58

I think it depends. If you are closer to a friend then family member then you'd want the friend there over that family member. If they had that issue, I can see them seeing it as fine since they didn't get an invite to yours.

I think it may be a good idea to invite all for diplomacies sake more than anything else but I don't think it should be a rule or seen as fair. I've a friend marrying in November who really only gets on with one of her siblings, she really doesn't care for the others past politeness and one in fact has been a bit shitty to her. She's not inviting them despite their angst, I don't think they should moan or deserve an invite so think go her. If she has no issue with you and your DH though it seems odd, can only guess that she's tight on numbers and only inviting those very close.

Are they closer to DHs brother?

MajesticWhine Sat 03-May-14 22:10:11

I selectively invited cousins to my wedding. I have a lot of cousins. It was just difficult to include them all.

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 03-May-14 22:11:59

It's obviously because they went to theirs. They probably weren't going to invite cousins at all and then thought, oh bugger they invited us so it's rude not to.

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 03-May-14 22:12:21

It's not a slight at all.

GreatJoanUmber Sat 03-May-14 22:13:06

Not Irish grin

We get on well, I really quite like her and we were considering inviting her and her brother to our wedding, as they are my favourite cousins of DH, but then decided against it as I thought then we'd have to invite ALL the cousins blush Now starting to think maybe that wouldn't have had to be the case??

Goldmandra Sat 03-May-14 22:13:38

When you get married, you're allowed to celebrate the day with the people who you choose. There will be a reason they didn't choose you and you may be better off not knowing it.

Just accept that you weren't high enough up the list and move on.

TimeForAnotherNameChange Sat 03-May-14 22:14:01

She's simply returning the favour, I don't think you can compain at all! You didn't invite her, why should she invite you?

EugenesAxe Sat 03-May-14 22:15:26

I would not feel slighted although I take your point. I bet she's just desperately trying to keep expense down but has thought she should reciprocate to your BIL/SIL. She probably appreciates the fact you didn't invite her to yours.

lessonsintightropes Sat 03-May-14 22:15:58

It's not a slight. I did have to invite all 12 of mine after DM dropped me in it with an aunt which still pisses me off, as they'd probably rather not have come and we had to go no kids with our friends to fit everyone in.

CoffeeTea103 Sat 03-May-14 22:16:22

Er.. Your DH didn't invite her to his wedding, but his brother did. Seems fair enough.

DoJo Sat 03-May-14 22:16:41

For some people inviting 'fairly' would be inviting the cousin that had them to their wedding and not the one who didn't. Your version of fair doesn't trump hers on their wedding day, and I'm sure it's nothing personal, especially if it's a really big family.

lessonsintightropes Sat 03-May-14 22:17:49

Thereby earning the wrath of MN!

AiryFairyHairyAndScary Sat 03-May-14 22:17:58

YABU I don't think you should feel slighted by this at all. They really can and should invite who they want.

MomOfTwoGirls2 Sat 03-May-14 22:18:03

Nope, you only need invite favorite cousins... At least, that's is what we did many years ago. We considered those favorite cousins as friends.

And it is normal to invite people whose wedding you previously attended.
So don't feel slighted.

Lilaclily Sat 03-May-14 22:21:34

Your DH didn't invite her to his wedding, but his brother did. Seems fair enough

This is why!
If you were close you should have invited her to your wedding, like your BIL did when he got married

JRmumma Sat 03-May-14 22:22:43

Don't read anything in to it. As you know, you have to make decisions on invitees when dealing with a wedding budget. Whichever way you cut your cloth you will end up leaving someone out/upsetting people and you just have to deal with it as best you can. You didn't make the cut, for whatever reason, probably nothing malicious just one of those things.

GreatJoanUmber Sat 03-May-14 22:25:28

Ha ha, ok, point taken. No need to burn me please!

I just wish I'd have known this many many years ago for my own wedding; I really thought you have to invite 'evenly' if that makes sense!

Anyway, good to have a reality check. For the record, I don't feel horribly offended, more shocked that she broke THE RULE of inviting evenly wink

GreatJoanUmber Sat 03-May-14 22:26:53

And I suppose we are much better friends now than when DH and I got married, so that probably added to my disappointment.

AgentZigzag Sat 03-May-14 22:46:30

Ah, I missed it saying your DHs brother invited them to his, that must be it.

It's nice you're bothered about what they think of you though, if you didn't care about them you wouldn't give a bollocks about what they did.

MagicMojito Sun 04-May-14 02:11:25

Agree with everyone else, its probobly a case of "so and so invited us to their wedding, so we need to invite them to ours" so glad dh and I eloped with just 3 other family members! Can't be doing with wedding politics lol. It's a minefeild

BillyBanter Sun 04-May-14 02:31:00

My default starting position is if you invite one cousin you invite them all. But everyone has to keep an eye on numbers so your decision was to invite none. Bill's decision was to invite all and cousins decision was to invite the one whose wedding they had been invited to.

Tiptops Sun 04-May-14 03:10:54

Interesting use of 'OCD' hmm

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