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To think that if all interaction with schools is down to me, then I get to make decisions

(61 Posts)
stealthsquiggle Sat 03-May-14 00:42:31


1. My DC are in independent schools and likely to stay that way. If that offends you, I am sorry but that's the way it is.
2. I am a FT WOHM. Ditto.

That said, I have all the interaction with school. I set up a meeting with school re DS. I just had to explain to DH why I set the meeting up. His reaction was to say that he should take the lead, and now he has stomped off because I didn't agree, given that we don't agree on the desired outcome.

(Disclaimer 3 - wine has been taken. On both sides. I still don't think IABU though)

2 days until meeting. Do I compromise or risk disagreeing in front of HT?

joybee Sat 03-May-14 01:37:31

No not seen the WOHM thread. Was genuine query. Don't understand why it would be an issue for anyone. Off to see if I can find it.

Btw I make all decisions re dc re school. But if dh expressed an interest would include him. Actually think it's nice he wants to be involved. So yabu.

stealthsquiggle Sat 03-May-14 01:39:12

Forago - this (academic) year is Y7, next year is Y8 V1, following year is Y8 for real.

Raskova Sat 03-May-14 01:45:35

I'm intrigued about the wohm thread. I work full time and get a lot of shit.

I'm confused thick tho. What an independent school? An academy or a private school?

Someone up thread said you should be a team effort! Sounds great on paper, if you think it can be done grin

Sober discussions called for. No arguing in front of ht. shock

Forago Sat 03-May-14 01:46:02

joybee its a thread called something like aibu to accept this great job offer without people being judgy. it started off as quite a reasonable and interesting debate about jobs, children, lifestyles etc but then
descended into the usual tedious "your children are neglected because you work" "you are being mean to sahms" tedium.

thanks for the explanation OP. I skipped year 8 funnily enough as a child, wouldn't choose it for my children. seems a shame to make him repeat when he doesn't need to. will no schools take him a year before?

Raskova Sat 03-May-14 01:46:46

What is an independent school**

I made myself sound even more thick then, so I had to correct. grin

Raskova Sat 03-May-14 01:48:31

Oh I did see that thread. That's taking it to an extreme tho. Being away from a child four days a week cannot be compared to my standard 7-4.30 job.

CorusKate Sat 03-May-14 02:00:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TequilaMockingbirdy Sat 03-May-14 02:02:13

What's WOHM? Sorry I don't have a clue

stealthsquiggle Sat 03-May-14 02:04:52

Forago - senior schools would be reluctant to accept him a year early, and I would be reluctant to send him. Current school is small and flexible enough that skipping/repeating years is not unusual, so DS is quite happy with the concept. Meeting is really me anticipating problems before they occur (and happening now so that we can talk to both current head and the head who will take over in September), as I know he will be unhappy if (a) bored, or (b) pushed too hard when he knows full well he doesn't have a scholarship exam at the end of next year. It's a tricky line to walk. The challenge is that I think I am better placed to liase with the school to make sure we walk it right and rebalance as needed, and DH clearly think he is even though he only knows what is going on on a day to day basis because I go out of my way to tell him

stealthsquiggle Sat 03-May-14 02:07:19

Tequila : working outside home mother (FT working mother)

Corus: LOL. Yes, you just went straight to the core of what wound me up, I think.

AgentZigzag Sat 03-May-14 02:14:06

What does your DS want to do stealth?

stealthsquiggle Sat 03-May-14 02:25:56

ZigZag - that's the thing. I asked DS if he was worried about this time next year when all his friends are starting to do all the "leavers" stuff and his answer was that no, he wasn't, because he would join the year below and have a whole term of no academic pressure, in which he can do all the stuff he doesn't have enough time for (art, drama, music).

I just want to make sure that happens. DH seems to think he doesn't need a "gap term".

Anomaly Sat 03-May-14 05:13:09

So your DH wants to take the lead so the school do what he wants them to do rather than what you want them to do? You all need to agree and I would include your DS in that.

Can't help but feel a little sorry that at 12 your son already feels he has too little time for art, drama and music.

stealthsquiggle Sat 03-May-14 06:34:34

No, Anomaly - DH is just talking about the meeting.

And yes, me too, but he wants to do everything (loads of sport, too) and it doesn't all fit (he's 11 BTW)

dripty Sat 03-May-14 06:59:59

I think the real problem is that, so far, you have been expected to sort out DSs education, such as parents evenings, replying to any letters that get sent home, general day to day interactions.
Your DH has only been involved because YOU have supplied him with the information which shows a lack of interest on his part .
All if a sudden he has decided that he wants to 'take over ' this role.
I could be completely wrong here but I would feel a lot if resentment if my DH suddenly decided to get involved with our DCs education after showing little interest over the past few years.
Does that make any sense?

sashh Sat 03-May-14 07:03:04

Your dh needs a kick up the butt. He is not a superior being because he has a penis.

So far the school have been right about where he fits and have also been right about the sports, also it sounds like ds is not the first child they have done this with.

If anyone should take the lead it is the school.

nennypops Sat 03-May-14 07:17:22

I really can't see why DH should have some sort of automatic right to 'take the lead'. Why does he think he does? This isn't some sort of knee-jerk "because I'm the man" thing, is it? I'd have thought if you can't reach agreement prior to the meeting, you need at least to present it to the school on the basis that these are the alternatives and you are asking their opinion: they presumably know what works best within their environment, and indeed what is the best preparation for the next school.

One of my rants is that children do tend to get channelled too much down the academic route. For instance, I can never see the point in academic children doing 10 A levels or whatever: they don't need the extra qualifications, and rather than doing, say, six unnecessary tightly-defined exam courses, it would be much better for them to do some research or in-depth study of something that really interests them. So instinctively I agree with you, OP; after all, if he is doing art, drama and music he can certainly include the academic basis for all three subjects and they would contribute very well to his CV, if that's necessary.

addictedtosugar Sat 03-May-14 07:35:52

Is it y8 v1 that is the "extra" year? Or are you going to slack off just before common entrance?

I'd be tempted to make Y7 the repeat, if possible, and not what your already planning!

Could CV building, whilst having fun, include things like obtaining grade X in an instrument, or a dance qualification, art certificate, if such things exist at an appropriate level for him? Meets both of your requirements.

I think if you know more about the possibilities and options, you taking the lead is more sensible, but that could mean priming DH with all the info so he can look like the one in the trousers in front of the headmasters (the outgoing one will already know who is the dairy organiser!)

addictedtosugar Sat 03-May-14 07:36:32

Sorry, drama, rather than dance!

Retropear Sat 03-May-14 07:53:47

Sorry both parents are the parents so both gave equal rights on decisions imvho.

I am a sahp,don't see that I should get to make all the decisions just because dp can't do the school run.

I generally take my lead from school(state) after voicing any concerns if making decisions(rarely happens) as they generally will be be the more knowledgable of what is best.Maybe private schools are different.

I'd both put your views across and see what school have to say.

KatieKaye Sat 03-May-14 08:00:27

It might be worthwhile working out the points you wish to cover, and then deciding who will deal with each point.
And also to have one person providing a summary of the meeting and points agreed (along with areas where there is no agreement) and what is going to happen next.
That way you are both involved and clear about what is going to happen. It also means the meeting is structured and you can ensure all your points are covered - plus you are both participating!
Maybe one person opens the meeting with a statement about why you are there and what you hope to achieve and the other provides the summary?

MissDuke Sat 03-May-14 08:02:08

This is why missing nursery is so unusual, it creates this problem! How does your ds feel about it all? That would be my biggest concern.

After that, why can he not have a mix of the two approaches? He absolutely needs to keep continuing academically, I don't see how he can be expected to just switch off for a full year and then get fully back into it thereafter. However having a balance between different activities would be wonderful for him. Can school accomodate that though? If so independent schooling sounds blissful to me (although I don't know what it actually is, we don't have it where I am unless Rupert Steiner counts).

Your dh is being unreasonable in my opinion!! This is a joint thing between you, him, ds and school.

Martorana Sat 03-May-14 08:03:32

I'm still not sure what is actually happening, I get that your ds is going to repeat year 8- but is he just going to do the same lessons over again? Won't that be crashingly boring? It's all very well saying he will do loads more drama and stuff- but who I he going to do it with? Presumably his classmates will all be working hard for common entrance?

And what specifically does your Dp want him to be doing?

jasminemai Sat 03-May-14 08:07:37

We both work full time but at a normal school. Dh and I do everything to do with the school together and attend everything together

LIZS Sat 03-May-14 08:08:23

Agree, Year 8 is probably not the best to repeat since there is very little new teaching and an awful lot of exam preparation and past papers. After exams there are eoy trips and activities which won't mean so much to your ds if he isn't leaving with that year group and needs to got through it all again. Presumably your intended secondary either doesn't have an earlier intake than year 9 ? If it did could he leave a year earlier and be placed in Year8 at the new school, so get a different experience and established among that peer group?

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