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(36 Posts)
EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 16:07:17

Sorry, posting here for traffic!
My husband was caught in my bed with another woman on New Year's Eve. He said he has started divorce papers but I thought he couldn't divorce me because I've done nothing wrong but I could divorce him because he committed adultery? Can someone clarify? Thanks!

EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 19:13:43

I did not stop listening to him, he stopped talking to me. Yes, I've had my own problems I struggled to see past but if he had actually sat down and said he wanted to leave, I would have done anything to stop him going. I adored him.

PlantsAndFlowers Fri 02-May-14 19:06:53

You keep saying that you did nothing wrong, but have more or less admitted that you stopped listening to him. Not listening is a big thing.

Suebedo Fri 02-May-14 19:06:22

He can only divorce you without your agreement if he proves unreasonable behaviour on your part (this is down to what the judge will accept but is often a litany of minor niggles) or if he has left you for 5 years without your consent. You can divorce him for adultery so long as you don't take him back for 6 months plus once you found out. Two years separation by mutual agreement. I forget the other ground but there is a government website which lays it all out clearly.

hamptoncourt Fri 02-May-14 18:58:37

It will get expensive if OP starts cross petitioning and defending the divorce. It's a total waste of money and it's cash you could be spending on your DC. Unless you have money to burn I wouldn't bother.

From what you have said OP, you would benefit more from spending the money on counselling than unnecessary solicitor fees. Let him have the divorce, let him pay for it.

Get counselling and move on and live well.

Donki Fri 02-May-14 18:52:54

I think filing for divorce is £410 + vat for the initial court fee, and £45 + vat for final decree court fee.

That is the minimum if you don't use solicitors or mediation.

2 years separation and mutual agreement of irreconcilable differences for a no fault divorce, or 5 years separation if one party does not agree to the divorce.

There is no waiting time for divorce on the grounds of adultery or irreconcilable differences.

I'm sure someone will come along and correct this if it is wrong.

nennypops Fri 02-May-14 18:39:03

For what it's worth, I don't think it's expensive or difficult to file for divorce. It' small the ancillary stuff around money and children that can get expensive and complicated

Thinking about this a bit more I can see it's a common problem in our divorce system ...

Man has an affair and wants to get a divorce, so then has to say he is divorcing wife for unreasonable behaviour.
After talking to his solicitors and drawing up the papers listing the grounds for this he then convinces himself that her behaviour has really been unreasonable.

This does no-one any good, compounding negative feelings surrounding the separation, including for any children involved.

Either partner, for example following an affair or for any other reason, should be able to divorce in no blame way IMHO

EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 18:34:51

I don't think I do want a divorce. I don't want to be with him though. Is that weird?! I want to reverse a year and try and fix this before it happened, before he started talking to OW. At least then I could have said I tried but I wasn't able to try and fix my marriage because I wasn't aware it was broken.
It doesn't matter what is put on the divorce papers but I was under the impression that he wasn't able to divorce me because I wasn't the one that committed adultery. I have done nothing wrong, I wasn't unreasonable, I wasn't abusive, I never cheated, never so much as thought about another man. This OW wasn't the first he left me for (but the first he physically cheated with)

Andrewofgg Fri 02-May-14 18:27:50

Do you want a divorce? If so why does it matter what he puts on the papers? It won't affect financial claims if there are any or what happens to the children if there are any.

Onesleeptillwembley Fri 02-May-14 18:18:51

I agree. If he had reservations he shouldn't.

EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 17:50:09

No he obviously wasn't but then he shouldn't have married me less than two years before if he was so easily led away, he clearly had reservations, I don't think you fall out of love with someone in such a short time when nothing had really changed, other than OW coming on the scene.

CwtchesAndCuddles Fri 02-May-14 17:46:52

I've been there, it hurts like hell!!! BUT you have to move on, if it's over it's over - you have to accept that and focus on the future. Trying to piss him off will not help your situation, you have children together and will need to find a way to maintain a relationship as parents for the sake of your children.

Onesleeptillwembley Fri 02-May-14 17:46:46

But he wasn't with you, and it's his right not to have to stay in a marriage he was unhappy with (but shagging around was wrong). It's a good thing people can leave a marriage without stigma now.

EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 17:44:08

In my opinion, it's far too easy for people to leave nowadays. Can't understand why a marriage isn't forever anymore sad I was still very much in love with my husband when he left.

IMHO it's a great shame that either of you would have to wait two years before going for no blame irreconcilable differences.
All this having to find fault with one another just makes things worse in my view (though obviously here it's not hard for you to find fault with him)

I think the whole divorce legislative culture is extremely negative and un-helpful when it's obviously already often very difficult.

One day, very slowly, we'll move away from such old fashioned approaches sad

EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 17:20:35

I can't afford to file for divorce though and I don't know how he can either! He has no money, I have no idea where he's got it from to be able to fill in papers!
I know the minute I agree to a divorce he'll be marrying the OW sad

Rainbunny Fri 02-May-14 17:12:30

This is terribly cynical (I worked in family law previously) - but if you file for divorce citing adultery in your petition it usually means a slightly better outcome for you in the division of assets etc... Judges are human and biased as the rest of us and may to subconsciously punish the offending spouse. Any divorce attorney will tell you this. You really should consult a lawyer ASAP as it sounds like you DH is seriously pursuing this.
I'm so sorry, I know this is very painful for you.

itwillgetbettersoon Fri 02-May-14 16:52:15

I would ask for this to be moved to relationships.

Problem is if you contest the grounds the only people who benefit are the solicitors. I can understand why you are annoyed though.

EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 16:51:27

I'm just so angry with him. I can't talk to him without getting really mad!

PinkyHasNoEars Fri 02-May-14 16:43:34

I think the best way to hurt him is to live a really happy life without him.

Everything else will hurt you, hurt your children and cost shedloads of money.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's awful - but you will get through it. And be happy.

EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 16:42:19

He says I never listened to him. That's as much as I got out of him. I really really tried but after two kids and two awful bouts of PND, I honestly had other things on my mind. Everyone always commented on how happy we were and he even said (after me asking him, can't remember how It came up in conversation) that he wouldn't divorce me or move out and that was only a week before he left!

Onesleeptillwembley Fri 02-May-14 16:38:40

To say there was nothing wrong with your marriage before he left can't really be correct if he had his dick in someone else. There must have been something wrong, whether you were aware of it or not.

PlantsAndFlowers Fri 02-May-14 16:35:01

Anything you do to hurt him will just make him feel like he has done the right thing.

However if I were you I wouldn't be happy with being divorced for unreasonable behaviour if he'd committed adultery.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie Fri 02-May-14 16:34:51

Oh sorry I misunderstood. Understandable that you want to piss him off but maybe better to try and keep things civil for the kids?

EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 16:32:08

I don't want to be with him, I want to piss him off. I know that's not good sad I feel so betrayed, I want to hurt him like he hurt me.

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