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(36 Posts)
EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 16:07:17

Sorry, posting here for traffic!
My husband was caught in my bed with another woman on New Year's Eve. He said he has started divorce papers but I thought he couldn't divorce me because I've done nothing wrong but I could divorce him because he committed adultery? Can someone clarify? Thanks!

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie Fri 02-May-14 16:12:16

You don't have to have done anything wrong for him to divorce you.

A lot of people just say "irreconcilable differences" on the papers don't they?

snugglesnook Fri 02-May-14 16:15:47

He could divorce you for 'unreasonable behaviour' but you could cross-petition and divorce him for adultery.

EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 16:25:11

But I haven't been unreasonable. And there weren't irreconcilable differences. Before he left there was nothing wrong with our marriage.

UncrushedParsley Fri 02-May-14 16:27:39

IIRC, after two years you or he can file for 'no fault' ireconcilable (sp) differences, before that time one of you has to go for Unreasonable Behaviour.

FreeSpirit89 Fri 02-May-14 16:28:05

Ultimately I assume you want rid of him.

He puts in divorce papers and states a reason, if you are not happy of don't agree with that reason you can petition to change it.

So even if he files for the divorce you can still put your reasons if you so wish. Seek legal advice

snugglesnook Fri 02-May-14 16:28:42

I should have said, it he started proceedings the only option would be unreasonable behaviour (which can be anything).

UncrushedParsley Fri 02-May-14 16:29:19

Two years separation,that is.

snugglesnook Fri 02-May-14 16:29:20

*If, sorry

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie Fri 02-May-14 16:29:48

But now there is something wrong. He doesn't want to be with you, however it sounds like you want to be with him though. Seems pretty "irreconcilable" to me. I'm sorry to hear your husband has been such a knob btw.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie Fri 02-May-14 16:31:25

Ah thanks for clarifying the two years thing.

EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 16:32:08

I don't want to be with him, I want to piss him off. I know that's not good sad I feel so betrayed, I want to hurt him like he hurt me.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie Fri 02-May-14 16:34:51

Oh sorry I misunderstood. Understandable that you want to piss him off but maybe better to try and keep things civil for the kids?

PlantsAndFlowers Fri 02-May-14 16:35:01

Anything you do to hurt him will just make him feel like he has done the right thing.

However if I were you I wouldn't be happy with being divorced for unreasonable behaviour if he'd committed adultery.

Onesleeptillwembley Fri 02-May-14 16:38:40

To say there was nothing wrong with your marriage before he left can't really be correct if he had his dick in someone else. There must have been something wrong, whether you were aware of it or not.

EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 16:42:19

He says I never listened to him. That's as much as I got out of him. I really really tried but after two kids and two awful bouts of PND, I honestly had other things on my mind. Everyone always commented on how happy we were and he even said (after me asking him, can't remember how It came up in conversation) that he wouldn't divorce me or move out and that was only a week before he left!

PinkyHasNoEars Fri 02-May-14 16:43:34

I think the best way to hurt him is to live a really happy life without him.

Everything else will hurt you, hurt your children and cost shedloads of money.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's awful - but you will get through it. And be happy.

EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 16:51:27

I'm just so angry with him. I can't talk to him without getting really mad!

itwillgetbettersoon Fri 02-May-14 16:52:15

I would ask for this to be moved to relationships.

Problem is if you contest the grounds the only people who benefit are the solicitors. I can understand why you are annoyed though.

Rainbunny Fri 02-May-14 17:12:30

This is terribly cynical (I worked in family law previously) - but if you file for divorce citing adultery in your petition it usually means a slightly better outcome for you in the division of assets etc... Judges are human and biased as the rest of us and may to subconsciously punish the offending spouse. Any divorce attorney will tell you this. You really should consult a lawyer ASAP as it sounds like you DH is seriously pursuing this.
I'm so sorry, I know this is very painful for you.

EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 17:20:35

I can't afford to file for divorce though and I don't know how he can either! He has no money, I have no idea where he's got it from to be able to fill in papers!
I know the minute I agree to a divorce he'll be marrying the OW sad

IMHO it's a great shame that either of you would have to wait two years before going for no blame irreconcilable differences.
All this having to find fault with one another just makes things worse in my view (though obviously here it's not hard for you to find fault with him)

I think the whole divorce legislative culture is extremely negative and un-helpful when it's obviously already often very difficult.

One day, very slowly, we'll move away from such old fashioned approaches sad

EverythingsDozy Fri 02-May-14 17:44:08

In my opinion, it's far too easy for people to leave nowadays. Can't understand why a marriage isn't forever anymore sad I was still very much in love with my husband when he left.

Onesleeptillwembley Fri 02-May-14 17:46:46

But he wasn't with you, and it's his right not to have to stay in a marriage he was unhappy with (but shagging around was wrong). It's a good thing people can leave a marriage without stigma now.

CwtchesAndCuddles Fri 02-May-14 17:46:52

I've been there, it hurts like hell!!! BUT you have to move on, if it's over it's over - you have to accept that and focus on the future. Trying to piss him off will not help your situation, you have children together and will need to find a way to maintain a relationship as parents for the sake of your children.

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