to be disgusted with out mum's behaviour

[mismylinford]

I was just loading the shopping into the car with dh and dd, the them lovely big parent and child bays.... When a mother came storming over to her car which was next to ours with baby about 10 months i would under her arm.... Like a rugby ball. The child was crying hysterically .. To me probably hungry as it was nearly tea time. She was shouting at the child to stop crying and practically threw it in to the car seat shouting 'get in there you little s*t' and told her child to 'shut the f*k' up. Appalled!!!! Absolutely shocked by this mothers actions that poor child. My dd who is 4 watched this turned to me and said ' that mummy isn't very nice is she' . I seem to be increasing seeing mother swearing at their children especially when at soft play! I don't claim to be perfect but i would never swear at my child. Has anyone else noticed this??

[SooticaTheWitchesCat]

I haven't seen it very often thankfully but I have come across some right nasty mothers and it shocks me too that someone could talk to their child like that.

I am by no means perfect and I do shout at my children on occasion but I would never use words like that, it is just so unnecessary and horrible.

[PrincessBabyCat]

Not justifying it, but sometimes people have bad days. It's hard to call what a person's like with a snap shot while they're obviously not at their best.

She's obviously stressed and on the end of her rope.

But, yes, I would have judged too. That's not how you treat children.

[bellarations]

Agree with above.
You have no idea what mother had been throught leading up to the incident.
Swearing is totally awful however.

[treaclesoda]

I hate seeing parents swearing at their children too, and I would have judged for that.

However, you can't just suppose the child was hungry - might have been tea time for you, but mealtimes aren't set in stone. You've no idea why the child was crying.

[rinabean]

I'm not surprised if it was hungry, she was buying food wasn't she? It really could be anything, what if she's been too ill to get up the shops and there's no-one to watch the baby but they ran out of food... you have no idea. It's not like she hit it or anything right? And she did strap it in?

She shouldn't have been rough with it or talked harshly to it but YABU. You had a husband and a 4 year old, she was alone with a baby

[softlysoftly]

I don't like the swearing at the child but I've been that mum.

I'm 7 months pg with SPD and 2 older DDs and I have atthe end of my tether had to rugby ball carry one or theother of them into the car and pin them into their seats as I couldcouldn't physically restrain or catch them any other way. By that point I probably have been absolutely peak stress and shouted at them.

At other times I'm a lovely muffin baking kissing discussing loving mother and feel ashamed for people seeing me at my worst and knowing they thought as you do.

so while her swearing was bad you don't know how she is at all other times.

[minionmadness]

YANBU... sadly there are parents like this and you will always find others ready to defend them.

Whatever the reason there is still no excuse to call a child "A little shit" or tell a child "to shut the fuck up".

Why would any reasonable person believe that is ok under any circumstances.

[littlemslazybones]

Is there a reason why you think you may be unreasonable to be disgusted with her behaviour? It looks from your post that you seem fairly certain with that fact.

[KoalaFace]

She must be absolutely miserable to shout at a baby like that.

I hope she managed to calm down, get home and have a cuddle with her baby.

I agree you can't judge on a snapshot. I always try not to. But I have worked with children with social, emotional and behaviourial difficulties and their behaviours can often be traced back to parents who scream, swear and don't know how to control or regulate their anger. So I sometimes fail in my attempt not to judge...

[mismylinford]

We all get angry with our children as they all will misbehave in public at some point and it is very embarrassing. The mother i mentioned was just one of many i see swearing. I shout at my child if there is reason to but my gripe is swearing not angry mothers. And this incident was more shocking due to the age of the child.

[jacks365]

To some people though that is every day language, swearing is just words and they genuinely don't realise or see anything wrong with it. I'll never forget one parent complaining at school pick up one day that she had been called in over her son's language her response was "well he must have bloody well picked it up here because we never fucking swear" it was just such second nature to her to use that language that she no longer saw it.

[StarGazeyPond]

Walk a mile in her shoes......and all that.

[OHforDUCKScake]

Ive held my screaming toddler under my arm like a rugby ball. Many times in fact.

Hold him in the normal position and he trashes around and is a huge danger to himself.

I havent told him to fuck off though.

[drivenfromdistraction]

I have carried my DC like rugby balls quite a lot (not the bigger ones any more). They all love it, and it means I can hold other stuff as well (very vertical house).

I'm not cross while I'm doing it though. Nor do I swear at them.

[mummytime]

mismylinford - sorry but you really have no idea what she has been through. Yes "We all get angry with our children as they all will misbehave in public at some point"
But what if your child never behaves, screams at least 18 hours a day. You only came out because you've run out of: bread or milk or sanitary towels or nappies. You were only there for 5 minutes, but he's already thrown himself on the ground and tried headbutting a sharp corner. Oh and you haven't slept for more than 4 hours for 10 months.

Swearing is not good. But some people have it really hard.

[Nomama]

I have to admit I would think "Holy cow. Poor bitch"

The first thought being wholly judgmental, the second more sympathetic.

I can't imagine she thought she was being reasonable either. You were probably witnessing the end of someone's tether being passed.

It happens to everyone, anyone who insists it hasn't happened to them is either lying (maybe desperately, to themselves) or isn't the primary care giver for their child (they have nanny, maybe).

[treaclesoda]

well, that's the truth of the matter. I have all the sympathy in the world for a mother at the end of her tether who snaps and behaves inappropriately, and is then eaten up with remorse because she knows it was wrong, and she resolves not to do it again.

I have very little sympathy for a mother who thinks that routinely manhandling a child and swearing at them is normal and no big deal.

The problem I suppose is that if your paths only cross for 30 secs you don't know which is which.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

I don't swear at kids and I don't like it. But it is just words, the use of which is down to custom and habit. Parents can have a devastating impact on their children without once using slang, let alone swear words, and some parents that swear like troopers may never have lost their temper and shouted at a child.

I don't think, given that you didn't see what lead up to the incident or know what else the woman is dealing with every day, that it's fair to be disgusted with her. Of course she may be a nasty, selfish person who can't wait to get rid of the kid and is emotionally abusive all the time. But she might just have suffered significant physical and emotional harm the likes of which would have lead most people to run screaming from their responsibilities, but she managed to keep it together and safely, if roughly, transfer her child to the car where she could calm down. (Of course most likely it's somewhere inbetween). You just don't know.

[mijas99]

hmm, it is strange how some posters will defend a mother shouting like that at their child, but if it was a man shouting at his wife like this, then they would all be saying LTB

Poor children

[Babesh]

Nomama, you know I think most parents have moments of absolutely crap parenting where you look at yourself and wonder htf I have ended up in the middle of this shit storm largely of my own creation. I certainly have but most parents do not roughly manhandle and swear at their baby and a 10 month old is still a baby even if it happens to toddle a bit.

The fact that this mum was doing it in public to a hysterical child is worrying as it is another sign that she has passed quite a long way from being able to hold on to what a normal response might be. I would have empathy but I would still be worried because there are too many babies and children brought up surrounded by low level violence and aggression and not being able to differentiate between an end of the tether mum who goes home and sobs and cuddles and an abusive one who goes home and smacks, shouts and puts baby in its cot for the rest of the evening makes me want to not give the benefit of the doubt to the mother but to the baby.

[LtEveDallas]

baby about 10 months

So the baby had no idea it was being sworn at, didn't understand the words and wont remember that it happened for more than 5 minutes?

Nope. Don't get the angst. How about you deal with YOUR children and let her deal with hers.

[Babesh]

If this baby is regularly treated like this it is of course profoundly damaging. How bizarre to think you can do what you like because they won't remember. Actually even tiny babies are visibly traumatised by indifference never mind aggression. There is a wealth of research that recognises they importance of getting the first few years right so brain development optimises emotional intelligence and behaviour.

One incident in the context of general good care isn't a problem but living like this is profoundly damaging.

[Nomama]

Oh, I think very many good parents treat their kids roughly, more often than they'd like to remember/admit. A quick shake by one arm, the hand that slaps the back of a knee, the face that screws itself up and shouts, the hands that 'firmly' sit you in your seat, lifts you off your feet and firmly put you down somewhere else, grip your arms slightly too tightly, pats the newly nappied bum a tad too firmly....

Lots and lots of little things.... no one a big deal and all perfectly understandable. I'd even say that roughly handling toddlers, 10 month olds etc is and has always occurred, all parents will have had at least one moment where they pass that line.... momentarily.

The vast majority of occurrences are wholly harmless, seldom occurring actions. And, as I said earlier, every parent will go through it, over and over again. No-one gets out of childhood without a parent losing it... often only the parent remembers, thankfully.

The women being described may or may not be a serial offender. Either way would have sympathy for her. No-one wants to be like that with a small child. There has to be something that isn't being coped with. There has to be a something a someone could do to help. Hopefully she has that someone!

But I wouldn't judge her on what the OP saw and heard.

[LtEveDallas]

If this baby is regularly treated like this it is of course profoundly damaging

But we don't know that it is.

There is a wealth of research

I'd be interested to see that, can you link?

[Babesh]

You know Nomama if we are talking eighteen months/ two years upwards I agree. Biggish, physically capable, heavy, difficult to manage in a thunderstorm tantrum toddlers they test the very best of us.

A wrestle with a non compliant or aggressive toddler is standard parenting moment. Older children ditto BUT actually no I think the OP is right to feel appalled at a woman manhandling, swearing at and being rough with a ten month old. This is not normal behaviour which is why actually you see this very infrequently whereas there are plenty of parents battling bigger toddlers and children all over the place.

Individually that is why the moment is worrying, it is outside of normal having a bad day behaviour. I guess we won't agree if we each see this differently. I would feel bad for her no matter why the mum was in that place it's a crap place to be but her parenting was piss poor at that point.

Actually I am an ill tempered old goat but can very honestly say I have never lost it at all with any of my children any time before well past two. I don't think this is unusual and I do all the daytime/ night time child care with no family help, a dh who does huge hours and I work free lance when I get a minute so plenty of fraught moments here.


LT- really just google, baby brain development, impact of high cortisol levels, impact of abuse, neglect...you will find plenty on the topic.