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To want to find myself?

(15 Posts)
gotnotimeforthat Thu 01-May-14 10:39:40


I only have the one child who is just 5 months old. I live in a city 200 miles away from my closest family member or friend. I begrudge the fact that my partner can go to work and just be him. If i go anywhere i have my son with me so i am always just mum. Don't get me wrong i love being a mum, more than anything. But i would love to just go out by my self.

i'm thinking of suggesting that both my partner and i should get 1 night a week to go and be by ourselves this leaves 5 days to see each other in the evenings. perhaps this agreement could suit you?

Dextersmummy14 Thu 01-May-14 10:39:39

He's hoping to buy a bike to get back into cross country racing again. He used to train for Volvo and red bull before he met me.

I think I'm growing up, and want to become more independent.

My course is an access to midwifery x

ConfusedPixie Thu 01-May-14 10:31:09


Does your DH get any time for himself too? I know that you are at home with the kids, but it's important for you both to have a life outside of the home. So you have dancing on Thursdays and gym on Tuesdays, he can find something to do on Friday's or Monday's and you have weekends and an evening together, whilst kids get both of you putting them to bed during the week?

ConfusedPixie Thu 01-May-14 10:28:54

"but husband was upset as he will "never see me" if I go in the evenings." I'd tell him to get lost on that front!

DP and I both have commitments in the evenings, we don't have children, but time together varies significantly, but you work it out, you make more of the time that you have together. It can be sad when you think of it, but actually, it's better for you to be healthy and doing things for you then it is to be stuck at home doing what you usually do, which I'm guessing isn't always quality time together, as it's usually not personal experience.

Are the kids in childcare at all? Can you do things during the day at those times?

Can you find local meet ups to tag along and try new things? Or volunteer? What is your course ging to be based on?

MN meets are great fun. I used meetup.com a lot to get climbing buddies and walking partners. There are tonnes of groups for all interests on there.

I do know how you feel. I'm not a parent but I struggle with getting out of the house. I really want to do something with my time but can't find the time or have excuses. MN Meets have saved my sanity, my locals are lovely. I am a scout leader too. I have French lessons, swimming lessons and a massage every week too to get me out of the house during my down time. I work as a nanny six days a week at the moment but when I drop my hours to three/four days I'll be able to start doing other things, sociable things, again as well.

littlemslazybones Thu 01-May-14 10:28:51

Maybe you could encourage your dh to get out and follow one of his interests/ hobbies. Most importantly, you don't want him to accidentally sabotage any future opportunities because he is reliant on you to be his whole social circle.

aquashiv Thu 01-May-14 10:28:32

Sounds like yr dh has the confidence issues.

Dextersmummy14 Thu 01-May-14 10:23:00

I'm going gym on Tuesday. Iv decided. I go dancing every Thursday so at least I get to go out. That has helped so much with me being happier.

I have been in a depressed bubble for so long, that now my confidence is coming out, I think my husband thinks he married someone else. Iykwim.

He has no friends as he moved away to be with me. It's not my problem, but makes me feel bad.

EverythingsDozy Thu 01-May-14 10:22:12

That's definitely a start! I'm sure you will love college and it will give you a chance to meet new people and hopefully find a better job afterwards. It's a long road and I'm only at the start of it myself but you're doing something for you in September and it's only 5 months away!

littlemslazybones Thu 01-May-14 10:19:36

Look, you want to go to the gym, that's hardly unreasonable is it?

What would you dh do if you just said, "you take the kids, I'm off to the gym", with no opportunity for discussion or guilt laden hand wringing?

Because if you are avoiding that because of your dh's reaction, he is the problem.

Dextersmummy14 Thu 01-May-14 10:18:46

I feel like I'm trying to find myself ATM.
I have submitted my form for collage in September when my ds starts school. I also want to start driving lesions.

I have one best friend, who I love to pieces. She is exactly the same as me. I have no real family. My sister treats me like crap tbh.

BuzzardBird Thu 01-May-14 10:13:41

This feeling will only get worse, do something about it now. You have a long time on this planet yet, it's too long to be miserable.

EverythingsDozy Thu 01-May-14 10:13:08

It's not unreasonable to want more for yourself but unfortunately I personally find it difficult with two small children. Is your youngest going to school in September? Could you use that extra time alone to find a new job / retrain?

Friedbrain Thu 01-May-14 10:11:27

You should be proud of yourself.
You have two children, Ur a mum!
Be proud of that!

PandaFeet Thu 01-May-14 10:10:58

Your husband doesn't sound lovely based on your post.

He doesn't want to hear about how you feel, and you aren't allowed to go to the gym.

Do you have friends? Do you see your family often?

Dextersmummy14 Thu 01-May-14 10:07:49

I'm 23 years old. Married a year. Two children aged 6 and 4. Housewife while husband works.

I think I'm hitting a stage of wanting to find myself. Who I am. I fell pregnant at 16, baby at 17. My mum died when I was 19.

My husband is lovely he really is and I love him.

But I feel like I'm trapped, I can't go out without feeling guilty. I want to go out. Even to the bloody gym! I would love to go to the gym, but husband was upset as he will "never see me" if I go in the evenings.

I am fed up of having to ask for permission if I want to go out.
I don't have too, but I find my self doing it.

I want a job. A proper job, not just a cleaner. I want to be proud of myself.
I have had major depression since 18. I'm feeling so much better ATM.

I have tried talking to dh but he just thinks I'm being me me me.

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