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To have really upset DH and now he's scared to touch me.

(269 Posts)
brotherhoodofspam Wed 30-Apr-14 20:17:58

Have NC for this as DH knows my username. Am looking for a bit of perspective. DH has tendency to grab a boob/my bum when I'm not expecting and I've always found it pretty annoying but have tended to swat him away but never really said how unappealing and unsexy I find it. Came to a head at weekend. I was coming down with throat infection and was telling him I was feeling shivery and unwell and he said - "is that why your nipples are big?" and proceeded to grab them. angry angry I told him I didn't appreciate being groped particularly when feeling unwell. He got really upset and there followed long "discussion"about this and other aspects of our sex life, or lack of it as he sees it (once or twice a week usually - sometimes more sometimes less). Anyway he's been really quiet since then and this morning I found out he's still really upset. Says I made him feel like a sex offender and doesn't know how to touch me / initiate sex now. I think I've really knocked his confidence. I apologised for using the very loaded word "grope" and explained that it was just the last straw when I was trying to tell him I was unwell, but I don't really know how to make things right with him. He's a great DH and we love each other++ and maybe I was stupid to try after 18 years of marriage to be honest about something that really is a bit of a turn off. So WIBU to tell him what I thought? Do other people object to this kind of thing? Have I been spending to much time on MN and getting daft ideas that speaking your mind is a good idea? And any suggestions for how I make this right with him?

CrystalSkulls Sun 04-May-14 10:23:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 04-May-14 10:12:13

"if you're only having sex once or twice a week, you probably have rather low desire for him"

I thought that was particularily funny.

JapaneseMargaret Sun 04-May-14 09:15:29


I stand corrected, then.


TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 04-May-14 09:10:15

Yes, I think she is. It's possible, but unlikely, that a man knows as much about Mallory Towers as she does!

JapaneseMargaret Sun 04-May-14 09:05:17

'Louise' is a woman...?!

Yeah, right...

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 04-May-14 09:02:02

Doctor, Louise is just getting more and more extreme . Ignore her, she might go back to 1956.

DoctorTwo Sun 04-May-14 08:24:46

If you find having your bum and breasts grabbed annoying, you probably aren't very attracted to him

What the fuck? I think you meant if you find having your bum and breasts grabbed annoying you're probably heartily sick of being treated as an object rather than a human being

It's nothing to do with attraction, it's about him treating his wife as a possession.

DIYapprentice Sun 04-May-14 07:58:59

If you find having your bum and breasts grabbed annoying, you probably aren't very attracted to him.

Seriously?! Have you read ANY of this thread? how utterly depressing..

JonesRipley Sun 04-May-14 07:58:42

Ah Louise. Always there with an intelligent comment

Louise1956 Sun 04-May-14 07:57:09

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JonesRipley Sun 04-May-14 07:32:49


Great posts throughout

JonesRipley Sun 04-May-14 07:31:53

This thread is full,of excellent posts.

It's also a depressing reminder about men women love who are not capable of behaving like a thinking feeling adults

This is everday sexism - not Just strangers shouting things in the street.

CinnabarRed Sun 04-May-14 06:31:46

There's a difference between building bridges and appeasement.

parentalunit Sun 04-May-14 06:19:31

Askbasil, yes I was absolutely saying that she should be a doormat...what?! Marriage takes work from both people, but if there's an impasse, someone has to reach out to get things going again. Sometimes one, sometimes the other. That's all. Really.

OP so glad that he has received the message, good luck with getting past this!

matildasquared Sat 03-May-14 17:35:25

I think that's the hardest thing about threads like this. "My husband is great and I definitely don't want to LTB... so how can I address [appallingly creepy behaviour], you know, without making him mad?"

AskBasil Sat 03-May-14 10:55:57

"someone has to bridge this gap otherwise in my opinion the relationship could disintegrate"

Well if must be incredibly fragile if it could disintegrate as a result of the OP telling her DH straight out that she doesn't like something. I suggest that a relationship that fragile has more problems than this thread is addressing, but the OP hasn't suggested that she thinks her relationship is that fragile.

Women, never forget, it is your job to ensure that relationships don't disintegrate, relationship maintenance is women's work, not men's. Your DH's have no obligation whatsoever to work on their relationship and ensure it doesn't become fragile and disintegrate, only women have the obligation to do that.

So get out there and do the emotional work of relationship maintenance. Once you've done the housework, obviously. hmm

Sneezecakesmum Sat 03-May-14 09:41:18

So right OP. A case of the baby and the bath water !

brotherhoodofspam Sat 03-May-14 09:15:19

You're right Parentalunit, I don't want this relationship to disintegrate. This is one aspect of his personality/behaviour that I really don't like (and I think he's finally got that messagegrin ) but like all of us he is multifaceted and the unfortunate thing about starting a thread like this is that you're having a rant about the one really annoying thing, and that's all anyone has to go on when judging him.

SixImpossible Sat 03-May-14 07:38:27

You're not stirring, ParentalUnit, I entirely agree with you about finding a way to move forward out of this unhappy situation, but it would seem that anyone on this thread who thinks that there is something positive that the OP could do is a victim-blaming misogyny-apologist.

parentalunit Sat 03-May-14 06:23:19

Whistle and Walter. You're entitled to your opinion, but you seem to think the relationship is over. It's not really my call, or yours. My suggestions were based on the OP wanting to continue with her marriage and asking for constructive advice.

Mistress absolutely spot on, it's counter intuitive but someone has to bridge this gap otherwise in my opinion the relationship could disintegrate. If that's what OP wants, then fair enough, but it doesn't sound like it from her previous posts.

Sorry for stirring, that was not my intention.

GarlicMaybeNot Sat 03-May-14 00:24:02

That was a top article, Tilly! Most amusing, and not wrong.

OMG at this: "It's gotten so bad with Internet porn that recent studies are showing that men in their 20s consider erectile dysfunction completely normal for their age group."


Waltermittythesequel Fri 02-May-14 23:10:16

Suggestions: docus on what you DO like, and make a move on your husband, massage his feet or whatever it is that he likes, to show him that you do still desire him. Otherwise he will assume you don't

And we can't have someone who is punishing his wife because she's refusing to be used for his constant sexual gratification feel unwanted, can we?

WhistleTopTomato Fri 02-May-14 23:07:39

Suggestions: docus on what you DO like, and make a move on your husband, massage his feet or whatever it is that he likes, to show him that you do still desire him. Otherwise he will assume you don't

Husband been sexually assaulting you for years on end? Why not try massaging his feet?

You make Roy Chubby Brown look like Andrea Dworkin.

MistressDeeCee Fri 02-May-14 23:01:55

parentalunit I raised my eyebrows at your comment thinking no way. But if talking about the actuality of real life - what you are suggesting is part way towards solving this issue. Im re-iterating real life as its all very well whats being said on board, but its unlikely berating DH about this will get OP anywhere, no matter what is said. Someone will listen if they want to & if they don't, then they wont. & it comes down to the man she is living with day in day out...using certain words will likely make it even worse. Fine if you plan to leave the man, not fine if you don't.

FWIW I think the OP is entirely right & the DH is just bloody sulking. A real turn-on...Not.

There does need to be peace and resolution though so as galling as it may be OP perhaps you need to make a move halfway forward on this, albeit so does he. Further than you do, in fact...but we know how real life is really and you know your DH best as to what 'stance' may work with him. Tough words aren't always the way

parentalunit Fri 02-May-14 22:51:30


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