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to feel my ds isn't safe at school

(41 Posts)
farewellfigure Wed 30-Apr-14 17:50:47

My ds is in yr1. In the last term, he's had baked beans and squash put in his hair, he's been pinched very hard on his privates, and on Monday he was hit very hard in the face with a skittle and had to go to the office in floods of tears. It was the same boy that did it each time.

I know that the boy in question has behavioural problems although he hasn't been diagnosed with anything. He constantly misbehaves and causes untold disruption to the class, to the extent that on one occasion the rest of the children had to be removed from the room as it was felt he was behaving in such an unsafe manner. I don't think the teachers have any control over him whatsoever. If they try to tell him off, he hides under the desk and laughs at them.

I don't want this to sound as though it's an attack on the other child as it must be just awful for the family and I really don't want to cause them any problems. I just don't know what to do next. I did approach the teacher after the pinching episode so she knows I'm not happy.

What do I do next? I've told ds to walk away if anything happens. I've refrained from telling him not to play with the child as I think that just sounds awful. I'm not even sure that ds is being particularly targeted by the other boy. I just think he's completely out of control. Does anyone have any advice?


fromparistoberlin73 Fri 02-May-14 15:31:35

fight it fight it OP

Look there will be experts here, but dont feel like you are being difficult if you basically pursue some type of "no contact/exclusion zone" between your child and this one

its NOT acceptable xxx

your child needs to be safe
and the other child needs to learn this is not acceptable behaviour

KnittedJimmyChoos Fri 02-May-14 15:28:39

What do you want the school to do?

Safe Guard the child who is in their care, locus parentis.

It's a crap system but there isn't the resources or money Really? I would beg to differ free schools meals are being rolled out,and loads of schools are being built and adapted, so there is money its a case of where it goes.

Purplepoodle Fri 02-May-14 15:16:11

What do you want the school to do? They actually have very little power in the classroom. They usually haven't got the staff for him to be taught separately. I'm sure the boy is disciplined but if it's something like adhd then they have little affect. There are limited psychology hours for the school and often there are children waiting years before they can be seen. So the teacher just has to struggle and Coe the best they can. It's a crap system but there isn't the resources or money.

More importantly how does your son feel.

farewellfigure Fri 02-May-14 14:56:33

I just popped back to see if there were any more posts and have read them with interest. I do feel fobbed off and I think the teacher is being unfair. She did say that DS and the boy had a 'tussle' over the skittle hence him being whacked in the face, but DS's account is completely different and I wonder whether the teacher was in fact aware of what happened at all? I don't think DS is lying about it. She looked very blankly at me when I asked if she knew what had happened. She did say that she and the other boy's mother have daily conversations about his behaviour. Surely if it's that bad they should be doing something about it?

As for being pinched on his privates, I spoke to her about how shocked I was at the time and said that NO-ONE should be touching him there even if it's in play. She said that she would re-inforce that in the class and I told DS to tell me if it ever happened again. I was not happy at all. It does seem as there's a bit of a culture of it going around at the moment and I've told DS to have nothing to do with it, and to play with someone else if it ever happens again.

UncleT Thu 01-May-14 22:16:27

Gobbolino boys (even very small ones) do kick and hit each other in the privates quite a lot (OK, not daily or every five minutes, but it really isn't uncommon). They also like pinching each other fairly frequently. In isolation there is probably no cause for alarm there, though if there's other stuff that might suggest sexualised behaviour then of cause that would need raising. It sounds to me like he's violent rather anything else, though what the cause of that might be is another matter.

GobbolinoCat Thu 01-May-14 19:59:42

Where has this boy got the idea of pinching private parts from? sounds very odd....i would be flagging this up for all sorts of reasons..

GobbolinoCat Thu 01-May-14 19:59:03

she said she is aware of what's going on and is monitoring the situation. Hopefully the rest of this term will be uneventful

A frantically busy teacher monitoring the situation?

there is simply no way my dc would be entering a school where private parts had been pinched. and all the rest...

GobbolinoCat Thu 01-May-14 19:56:00

I would stop my child attending the class if the school could not guarantee her safety.

I know its dramatic but wheels move very very slowly on these things and I wouldn't want my child to be severely hurt, scared for life and so on in the mean time whilst the school and council were paper pushing....and going through the correct procedures

Nanny0gg Thu 01-May-14 19:50:39

If it were my DC I think I'd want a little more than the situation to be 'monitored'.

I think you need a little bit more information as to what exactly they are doing to safeguard your son.

I think you're being fobbed off OP.

lessonsintightropes Thu 01-May-14 19:19:30

farewell I've been lurking on your thread, great news they are moving on but will you speak to the Head anyway? At least then the complaint may go with him to the next school and speed up any statementing process.

PolterGoose Thu 01-May-14 17:39:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kentishgirl Thu 01-May-14 15:08:30

I would tell a child not to play with a bully. I know reasons for bullying are complicated at this young age, and you can't really blame the offending child, but neither should your own child be suffering. I can't think of any situation other than school where people are expected to just put up with being physically assaulted and still get on with their attackers! Yes, there's a bit of shoving and physical stuff with children and it's a part of growing up for everyone involved, but out and out nastiness should not something you ask your child to tolerate.

Some children really do need help and it could be that pressure/complaints from other parents are what trigger it, so don't feel guilty.

for example, I know that the specialist big mental health hospital in Kent has a residential unit for 6 - 11 year olds with mental health problems. I can't imagine how a 6 year old has a mental health problem that serious, but there are there. Mental health issues don't just suddenly appear in adulthood.

nennypops Thu 01-May-14 13:54:30

It really isn't true that it costs a fortune for a child to be statemented, and anyway if either the school or the council refuses to refer a child for statementing for that reason it is acting unlawfully.

If the teacher is "monitoring the situation", how does she explain the fact that your ds keeps getting injured?

DenzelWashington Thu 01-May-14 11:45:54

You don't have to tell your DS not to play with the boy at all, but it is important to let your son know he can (and should) remove himself from any situation he doesn't like. This is what we have told our DS, who is in Reception, and has a best frenemy who has been lashing out at him and being very manipulative about DS playing with other children. DS knows now to just move away and tell the teacher or TA, and play with other kids for a while. DS is much happier and actually, now that frenemy is seeing his behaviour has immediate consequences he has been much better with DS.

DogCalledRudis Thu 01-May-14 11:00:12

Whoa... Anybody really thinks that a child should play with a bully and allow himself getting hurt? Really?

Bardette Thu 01-May-14 10:44:44

I think that it's fine to tell your son that he doesn't have to play with this boy or indeed anyone who is hurting him. It doesn't have to be permanent, when my ds was in a similar situation I told him to tell the other child that he didn't want to play because he was hurting him and to go and find someone else to play with, but that if the other child wanted to be kind and play nicely then that was fine.
It's good for your son to practice being assertive and it's good for the other child to hear that he is hurting others and that this has a consequence.

Goldmandra Thu 01-May-14 10:43:30

It must be very hard for the parents when they know something needs to be done but the school is failing to support them.

I know a few parents of the child who is lashing out and they have been grateful when other parents complained in an appropriate manner. It can be used as evidence in a statutory assessment.

A term is a long time for a small child who feels vulnerable. If these incidents continue, keep complaining and do it formally, in writing. The staff have a duty of care to both children and, if they need to invest more staff time in supervising him in order to meet that need, they must find the money and do it.

Your DS has the right to be safe now, not just in September.

farewellfigure Thu 01-May-14 10:17:23

That was a great outcome them DeWee. It's always sad for a child to be excluded but it sounds as though he got the help he needed. It must be very hard for the parents when they know something needs to be done but the school is failing to support them.

DeWee Thu 01-May-14 09:36:14

One of my dc had a child in reception and beginning part of year 1 for whom they had to evacuate the room a couple of times. (actually the class thought it was very exciting and great fun!)

Eventually the head (with discussions and agreement with the parents) excluded him permanently. That then speeded up the LA to find help for him. He was shortly afterwards diagnosed with something (can't remember exactly, but LA was fighting all suggestions of help needed until this happened) and went to a special school. He kept in contact with the school and when they had special events (like assemblies etc) he would come back with his 1-to-1 carer and see them all. Last time I saw him, he was doing very well.

farewellfigure Thu 01-May-14 09:14:49

Thank you for all the support and ideas. Weirdly, I heard this morning that the family have moved half an hour away. At the moment they are driving to the school each day for continuity, but will probably find a new school in September. It looks as though the whole problem may be resolved in a way I wasn't expecting. I also spoke to the teacher today and she said she is aware of what's going on and is monitoring the situation. Hopefully the rest of this term will be uneventful.

DIYapprentice Wed 30-Apr-14 21:16:35

I know, I found it really hard as well. I wanted to tell DS 'stay away from that boy!!!!!' but couldn't.

So I started to use that phrase.

I also sent him to a martial arts club for children, where they taught about respect and some self defence and although DS is still unable to 'defend' himself against this sort of behaviour completely, he is a lot better at it now.

I also had to use different phraseology as DS is a stickler for the rules. When the other boy was pinching him (very slow, deliberate pinches) I told him to push his hand away - 'But we're not allowed to push at school, mummy'....... sigh..... - Ok, sweetheart, why don't you just 'sweep' his hand away then so his hand isn't pinching you anymore, and then he won't be breaking the school rules either.

I got very good at using different terms for everyday contact!!!!!!

Keep talking to the teacher, talk to the head, just keep talking. Don't get angry they'll just get defensive, but there's nothing wrong with getting upset, they need to see how upsetting it is for you.

Pheonixisrising Wed 30-Apr-14 20:52:56

Ahem , other pupils do not get targeted and they are friendly with the boys mum??? I wonder why
Do not talk to the mother , always go through the right channels
You don't have to tell a soul other than the school
Yes it is expensive and very , very , very time consuming to get a statement , however that's not your issue or problem
Your son is your priority , you are not judging anybody

Ghostsdonttalk Wed 30-Apr-14 20:25:21

Be careful with the other Mum. Deal with the school. The other mum should not know who complained. She could in Denial.

Looking back I can see how it all worked out. At the time I was just devastated for my child.

farewellfigure Wed 30-Apr-14 20:17:43

Thank you so much ghostsdonttalk. That was really helpful to see it from the other side. The other boy's mum is probably desperate to get some help.

And thank you DIYapprentice. I like the phrase 'someone who hurts you is not your friend' very much. I really struggle with telling him not to play with someone as I tried to imagine how I would feel if someone said not to play with DS. Telling him what you said is much much better.

I will talk to his teacher tomorrow and hopefully get some help.

Ghostsdonttalk Wed 30-Apr-14 20:15:35

I wish there was a different way to do it. Year 1 was bloody awful for Ds too. One of the first things he tells me every day is how happy he is now.

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