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AIBU?

AIBU in asking can she go elsewhere

161 replies

IscreamUscream · 29/04/2014 13:07

I feel bad in that I would like my friend to leave our house now. Few months ago she was admitted to mental health ward. Previous to this she would turn up at my house numerous times with the police bringing her here in a state. Issues with dp and their children,social services involvement. In short she has problems with alcohol and other addictions and has mental health issues. As do I and I'm on meds at the moment. Whilst going through my own personal issues.
We have been friends for years but lost touch I. The past 6/7 years only waving at each other in passing. She has now been released from hospital and asked me if she could stay here for a couple of days as she is homeless. That was fine with me as I wouldn't want to see anybody out on the street. We are now three weeks in and she is still here on the sofa. Arguing with her family,partner, shouting, crying on the phone and falling into a heap on the floor. This is a regular occurance morning and through the evening. Talking to other patients who tell her they are going to kill themselves, then going into hysterics at me telling me and what should she do.I have a ds who now stays up in his room to avoid this and it's not fair on him as he shouldn't have to see this. It is changing our relationship as I don't spend anytime with him because of supporting her. I must sound like a shallow friend but I am finding it draining,AIBU in asking her if she could find somewhere else to go. Please don't flame me just want some advice

OP posts:

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Trooperslane · 29/04/2014 13:10

I think you need to get her to get adult social services involved.

It's an impossible situation op. As ill as she is, she needs to take responsibility for herself. Is she still an out patient?

Seeline · 29/04/2014 13:10

It sounds like you have been a fantastic friend, but if it is beginning to have a negative impact on your own family, I don't think you have much choice but to ask her to move on. Has she got any other family that she could turn to?

DidoTheDodo · 29/04/2014 13:11

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You have bee very generous with your time and resources - much more so than many would do - and you have come to your personal limit. It sounds fine and right to me that your friend now seeks support elsewhere.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 29/04/2014 13:17

Not unreasonable at all.
Do you know which hospital she was discharged from as you might be able to liase with their mental health unit in making sure that she is moved to a safe and secure new home.
She said that she would only be there for a few days (or a couple of days as you mentioned in your original post) and she is there for 3 weeks. Even without your friend having any past personal issues, that is taking the proverbial.

You need to talk with her, explain that you don't mind helping her out in the very short term (as you have already done) but give her a date when she must be out of your house by. Where she goes after that is up to her (and hopefully someone in the hospital) to arrange but it not longer is up to you to put a roof over her head.

You are very kind to have taken her in and to have helped her for so long. Many would have given her the boot ages ago.

Best of luck dealing with this.

IscreamUscream · 29/04/2014 13:18

She is still an outpatient and attends daily meetings in regards to alcohol testing. But every night she drinks and beats the test next day. Everyday is a new drama. Her family have had enough as have other friends.i don't want to seem mean but I have reached my limit emotionally.

OP posts:

parakeet · 29/04/2014 13:21

Sorry I have no practical advice but just wanted to say you sound like you have been very kind so far, but now you should not feel guilty about putting your son first and asking her to leave.

IscreamUscream · 29/04/2014 13:27

I can't have my other friends round at the moment because she hijacks our conversations and talks about herself dissolving into tears. This morning she was up at quarter to five banging around and going in and out of the locked front door. Ds woke up and couldn't get back sleep.
She is not allowed to see her own dc's without supervision or they will be taken into care. It's the arguing on the phone between her and her dp and the getting me involved in their arguments as she passes the phone telling him to talk to me that gets on my nerves.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 29/04/2014 13:31

If she is still is still drinking at your house, you actually aren't doing her any favours so you need to tell her to go.

That could be to a hostel (where she won't be able to drink), or to provision arranged by to Adult Social services / NHS.

But you need her to be away from your child.

CoffeeTea103 · 29/04/2014 13:34

Yabu op sounds like you have been a very supportive friend. Unfortunately the help she needs is beyond what you can offer, she should leave.

LineRunner · 29/04/2014 13:37

By the way, where does she get money from for drink? For her phone?

WestieMamma · 29/04/2014 13:39

YANBU Your first priority is to yourself and your family. By all means help her as much as you can but not at the expense of your own mental health and your family's wellbeing.

fromparistoberlin73 · 29/04/2014 13:40

Oh how fucking awful OP

yanbu, your child comes first. God knows how you tell her, firm but fair

You know you cant stay here indefinately, right?
Its not fair on my DS
I am giving you to XXX then you need to get out

dont feel guilty OP, its not sustainable for you

IscreamUscream · 29/04/2014 13:43

I tell her to not drink but she doesn't listen to me, I don't drink with her.she knows she shouldn't be drinking.she is classed as homeless because she is not allowed back to the family home around her children. She is fragile at the moment and I wouldn't want to send her over the edge. I just need her to start to look for somewhere else without offending her in the situation.

OP posts:

IscreamUscream · 29/04/2014 13:47

She gets money from stat sick pay as to ill to work at the moment and tops her phone up.

OP posts:

DenzelWashington · 29/04/2014 13:48

Actually, given your son is finding it hard to cope with, I think you need to tackle it with more urgency than I just need her to start to look for somewhere else without offending her in the situation.

The reality is that she won't leave unless pushed, and no agency will necessarily step in to assist her unless she is actually being turfed out by you. The moment people think she has got a safe berth with you at least for the moment, they will leave her there.

So you will probably need to give her a short deadline (e.g. 5 days) and then enforce it. Bear in mind, she asked to come for a couple of days but is still there 3 weeks on having done nothing to get herself together. That's not going to change. I'm sorry to say I don't think there is going to be an amicable way to do this.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 29/04/2014 13:48

Seriously, don't worry about 'offending' her as she clearly isn't worried about taking liberties with you and you kind and generous nature.

Tell it to her straight.

No drinking allowed in the house.
Gone by X date

She will always be fragile until she gets the structured help she needs. I don't think that telling her you need your home back and for her to be gone would be sending her over the edge. If it is likely to do that, she shouldn't have been discharged and should be in a secure unit with staff that can help her.

EurotrashGirl · 29/04/2014 13:50

If she is classed as homeless, doesn't the LA have an obligation to house her? She wouldn't be on the streets if you made her leave.

LineRunner · 29/04/2014 13:51

Please don't enable her any more.

Only when she has hit rock bottom will be she truly be faced with having to change her behaviour, and you are keeping her off rock bottom.

To the detriment of her, you, and most importantly, your child.

LoveBomber · 29/04/2014 13:53

Think about this for a minute.

She;s not allowed back to the family home, so presumably she's classed as a danger to her own children? Why on earth would you allow her in your home around YOUR child?

Call SS, get her moved on. She is NOT your problem.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 29/04/2014 13:54

There's a couple of things that stand out in your posts, apart from your amazing kindness and that is why is she not allowed to live with her own children but has been allowed to live with yours? Is your DS an adult? if not you might have a safeguarding issue on your hands meaning she wouldn't allowed to stay with you at all.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 29/04/2014 13:55

Crossed posts with the LoveBomber, great minds etc.

surromummy · 29/04/2014 13:57

call adult social care and your council, tell both she has to be out within X amount of time. def reliterate to SS how she is not allowed to be at her home around her children, so shouldn't be at your home around your dc either.

nennypops · 29/04/2014 13:59

The hospital really had no business discharging her without referring her to adult social services and making sure she had somewhere to go. In fact, it would be well worth contacting the hospital to find out whether they did contact adult social services, and if so, who and when. It may well be that SS are keeping their heads down just because you are making their jobs easier for them.

I'd strongly recommend that you contact social services NOW, to tell them she will not have a home with you as from tomorrow and they need to make urgent arrangements for your friend's accommodation and support. Tell them it is a child protection issue because of your ds, and DON'T allow them to twist your arm into keeping her a bit longer - if you do, it will extend again into several days or weeks. Follow up every phone call with an email or letter. Tell the hospital the same, as they will probably help to put pressure on SS or refer her to an advocate who can help her find accommodation.

DocDaneeka · 29/04/2014 13:59

Agree with the others. She should NOT be in your house if you have a child and there are safeguarding issues.

Your priority is your son. Not her. Unfortunately by letting her stay you are just enabling her and preventing her getting the help she needs. You could end up being embroiled in this, possibly being investigated for failing to protect your child from her.

Call social services, ask her to leave.

It will be awful for you both but she absolutely cannot stay with you.

DevonCiderPunk · 29/04/2014 14:00

I agree with what LineRunner said but would also counsel that you might not in fact be her only option before rock bottom - more likely you are currently her best option for avoiding finding a new plan.

I have been in this position myself, went on for 2 months and we ended up chucking the person out right before Christmas as they just ignored ultimatums. Felt awful but that person has since been in touch (was 18 years ago) and he said thanks for "forcing me to grow up" which was very touching - he now runs a successful small business - very happy for him

you are not responsible and you have done your best - damage limitation now for you.

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