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and being an ungrateful sod?

(21 Posts)
GenericUsername Thu 24-Apr-14 20:38:33

Name change because I'm scared of Aibu and I might actually be being a bit ungrateful / entitled.

DF is driving me a bit mad at the moment. To give some relevant background, I left home at 15 and have mostly financially supported myself since then. DF has occasionally gifted me money during that time including a contribution to my (cheap) wedding and first car and for a brief period gave me some monthly 'pocket money' although it wasn't actually a regular thing. I haven't asked for this and tbh wouldn't because DF can be a bit awkward where money is concerned.

Not 100% relevant but I have 2 siblings who lived at home until university, got taken on family holidays and were given generous allowances while at university so they didn't need to work.

6 years ago DF decided to move in with his partner, he didn't want to sell his house because he wanted my siblings to have somewhere they could keep their stuff / come home to in the holidays so he offered to rent it to me for a nominal rent with an offer to sell it to me at a later date when I could afford it (no timescale set).

Fast forward to now. DF has decided that he wants to sell the house now and we have 2 months to move out because 1) He doesn't want to do the work it needs to make it worth full market rent (it needs a fair bit of modernisation to say the least) and 2) He thinks he can make more money from a holiday rental (he's not badly off currently). We won't be in a position to buy for another 18 months or so.

That's fine, his choice, we're a bit sad because we saw this as our forever home and the timing couldn't be worse in some ways but I've been perfectly understanding about it if secretly a bit irritated

However, he keeps on and on about how much of a favour he's done me letting me live here and how much he's subsidised (sp?) our rent and how grateful we should be.

I kind of think - actually you did what suited you. We didn't suggest living here, we actually paid more rent than you requested because it seemed fairer and you could have at any point you wished increased the rent and we'd have paid it or chosen to move. The reason you didn't do that is because you're still storing stuff here and don't want to replace the kitchen, bathroom etc to make it worth 'full' rent. Also as happens of your children, even with the rent 'subsidising' I think I'm still low down on the most costly list.

I am grateful for having lived here and it has obviously helped us financially too but the more I get told how much of a favour has been done for me the less grateful I get. AIBU?

Pipbin Thu 24-Apr-14 20:50:16

Sounds to me like you've been doing him a favour by being a caretaker of the place while it suited him.

hercules1 Thu 24-Apr-14 20:54:55

Actually I think you have had a massive handout - cheap rent for 6 years! You sound ungrateful.

drudgetrudy Thu 24-Apr-14 20:57:25

YANBU there is another thread about a parent trying to make someone feel guilty about un-asked for gifts.
Parental help should be given purely from a desire to be helpful, not in expectation of gratitude and it sounds as if this arrangement suited him anyway.

sarahquilt Thu 24-Apr-14 20:58:46

YANBU. He basically went back on what he initially said to you. I'd be pissed off in that situation. He's moving the goalposts and obviously feels guilty which is why he's now making out that he's doing you a favour.

stillrollingwiththetimes Thu 24-Apr-14 20:59:04

<<<However, he keeps on and on about how much of a favour he's done me letting me live here and how much he's subsidised (sp?) our rent and how grateful we should be.>>>

Maybe he's 'rationalising' because he feels a bit guilty?

Chippednailvarnish Thu 24-Apr-14 21:01:03

How much rent are you paying him?
How much rent will you have to pay when you move?

FourForksAche Thu 24-Apr-14 21:09:59

I suspect he's telling you he's done you a favour because he feels guilty. He's trying to justify his behaviour.

Yanbu, and he has not been very reasonable giving only 2 months notice.

Is the new woman influencing things, I wonder?

GenericUsername Thu 24-Apr-14 21:13:45

I pay £400. When we move we will downsize a little and pay around £500 - £550.

If this house had the work done it needs it could be rented out for around £650.

The first couple of years as he wanted to keep my siblings bedrooms free he obviously couldn't have rented the house out, though I guess he could have rented 2 rooms.

Fwiw it has done us a big favour and I do appreciate that. It's just the sudden implication that the arrangement has all been for my benefit that grates. I guess he might feel guilty about it.

KoalaFace Thu 24-Apr-14 21:15:45

Yeah sounds like he's trying to rationalise away his guilty feelings for changing his mind and selling before you're in a position to buy.

SaucyJack Thu 24-Apr-14 21:42:11

It sounds like a mutually beneficial situation, not a favour.

Oldraver Thu 24-Apr-14 22:00:35

How much would he of been able to rent the house in its current state ? I think he may be overestimating the saving to you...When you said 'low rent' I thought you were going to say a much lower amount.

Its probable that he wouldn't of been able to rent it out at all if it need lots of work....

stillrollingwiththetimes Thu 24-Apr-14 22:11:16

True, Oldraver.

Thomyorke Thu 24-Apr-14 22:21:16

Has he been officially renting to you, tax and capital gain etc or more letting you stay more as lodgers. If the second then there is no favour whatsoever, more you doing him a favour.

Flux700 Thu 24-Apr-14 22:31:58

How much deposit have you saved over the 6 years and how much will the house be put on for sale at? What are your yearly earnings?

daisychain01 Thu 24-Apr-14 22:32:36

Hi Generic, you arent an ungrateful sod, you are his family, he seems to be treating this whole thing like a business transaction.

If it really was such a massive favour, he should have kept quiet and been magnanimous to you. The house was just a problem he put on the backburner by letting you live there. No great skin off his nose, was it.

Flux700 Thu 24-Apr-14 22:33:20

I think you haven't had a free handout because he's only rented it to you slightly cheaper then the going rate which is only fair considering what a state it's in.

GenericUsername Thu 24-Apr-14 22:56:39

Thom it's the latter, so he's not paid any tax etc.

Flux - I assume you're asking about deposit / income with a view to us getting a mortgage now. The reason it's not feasible currently is because I'm seconded to do some training on a lowish wage (will increase by about 50% on completion) and DH is working part time to do childcare for our 1 yr old around my currently unpredictable schedule. When I finish training my hours will be more normal and DH will go back full time as we'll have childcare options. So at that point our combined income will be more than double what it is currently. Which would be plenty to buy this house (worth around 130 - 145k maybe a little less due to being a bit of a 'project'). We have about 10% deposit.

gamerchick Thu 24-Apr-14 23:06:44

I think you're sounding very reasonable or you've worded your post to sound as if you're perfectly ok with being shit on from a great height.

Tell him to shut his cake hole.. YOU are the one who has done HIM a favour.

Thomyorke Thu 24-Apr-14 23:21:23

I bet he is mortgage free as well or very low? Next time he speaks up remind him of the tax he has avoided and the maintenance cost that full paying tenants demand, the storage costs and the capital gains he has by passed. I am sure that does not equal the deduction in rent he gave you. But it is probably better to just ignore.

GenericUsername Thu 24-Apr-14 23:44:00

Heh Gamer, I wouldn't say I was perfectly ok. I am upset about having to move and (a bit over dramatically) losing my home and I'm pissed off that he changed his mind about selling it to us because it's messed up our plans also because he chose such an awful time to decide this - we have a lot of stress going on with the children at the moment.

But, living here has given us the opportunity to save for a deposit so I am grateful for that and it is of course his house and his money, he doesn't owe us anything. I'm trying to think of it as though DF as a landlord is separate from DF as a father so landlord DF has to think in business terms and while I can be sad about it I don't have a right to be annoyed.

Sorry that's a bit waffly and I'm not sure it makes sense.

Thom, I was tempted to remind him of those things but then I wondered if mentioning it would make me sound very ungrateful and so came here to ask grin .

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