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to be fed up of having to 'supervise' dps parenting?

(71 Posts)
Sampanther Wed 23-Apr-14 22:20:24

Among other children we have a just turned 2 yr old. She's very much a mummys girl because, to be honest, dp hasn't made enough effort with her. When she was a baby and cried he'd say she needed bf-ing and hand her straight over and he's never got out of that habit. I'm almost 3 months pregnant so definitely want and need this to change so I'm not doing everything while he sits twiddling his thumbs.

Yesterday for example, I said I'd clear away after dinner so he could play with dd. Within a minute he came to chat with me in the kitchen and dd wrapped herself round my leg beginning to whine for me so I handed him some leftover grated carrot and said to dd: 'do you want to go and feed this to the rabbits with daddy?' She agreed but seconds later he was back. He'd simply opened the door for her. The back door has a high step off a plastic ledge, I'd been raining so was slippery. We have a dog and there were two poos en route to the rabbit hutch which dd could've stepped in and obviously leaving her unsupervised to feed grated carrot to rabbits would likely result in her getting bitten. I caught her just as she slipped off the step, just about stopping her from banging her head on the corner of the door.

Last week, we were walking the dog and dd was smelling flowers. I kept reminding her some were nettles so to ask before she touched to make sure. Elder dd got something in her shoe so I was helping her and left dp with toddler dd, only to hear dd repeatedly say 'this one?' about six times. I turned and saw dp on his phone oblivious and dd reaching out to nettles. Before he registered what I was shouting over about she'd lunged on her hands and knees into the nettles and was covered in stings sad

These are just a few of many examples. I was talking about it with my friend today who said I need to 'let him make his own mistakes so he'll learn' but I feel I can't do that when dds safety is at risk. It's like he has no forethought of consequences and I'm tired of always having to be 'on duty' because he's unreliable. Aibu to be fed up of 'supervising' him and want him to take some responsibility in thinking ahead?

crispyporkbelly Wed 23-Apr-14 22:22:32

He sounds like a lazy fart of a parent

joanofarchitrave Wed 23-Apr-14 22:27:40

Was he different with the older ones?

Is he still different with the older ones?

wolfofwestfieled Wed 23-Apr-14 22:29:49

I feel your pain as my DH is a bit like this with both of my DC.

If they tell him they're hungry he will chuck them a full size cereal bar (generally keep this in my bag for emergency hunger situations!) or give them a packet of his crisps because he cba to make them a piece of toast or prepare them some fruit.

Sounds like a little thing but it's not when it's all the time.

Permanentlyexhausted Wed 23-Apr-14 22:34:54

Hmmm. If you felt you were constantly being supervised and found to be lacking, would you want to put a huge amount of effort in or would you rather hand the reins over to someone who obviously considered themselves more competent.

Just giving you some food for thought.

Sampanther Wed 23-Apr-14 22:35:53

His dc are 8 and 9 and he's always been super over the top cautious with them because he's terrified of incurring the wrath of his exW if they happened to get hurt on his watch. My dd is almost 7 and regularly goes to a roller disco - he said dsc couldn't go in case they got hurt confused I think he's over the top with them but it tells me that he is capable of being careful, he just isn't with our dc because he thinks I've always got it covered.

Sampanther Wed 23-Apr-14 22:38:27

Permanently as yet I haven't mentioned anything. I didn't have a go when she fell in the nettles but he acknowledged it was his fault. Usually I just have to pick up the pieces once she's upset or hurt but haven't yet criticised him, but resentment is building because he hasn't learned from his mistakes

Falconi Wed 23-Apr-14 22:39:57

Time to ask his exW some tips?

Permanentlyexhausted Wed 23-Apr-14 22:41:21

Because you have always got it covered!

If he gets it wrong he's probably worried he'll get the same reaction again (^incur the wrath of his exW^) from you.

Permanentlyexhausted Wed 23-Apr-14 22:43:32

I'd imagine he can tell from your reaction, whether or not you've openly criticised him. After all, it sounds like he's already travelled this road once.

notmyproblem Wed 23-Apr-14 22:43:43

Why are you having another child with this man when he can't even be arsed to look after the last one properly?

Goofymum Wed 23-Apr-14 22:57:09

Why don't you just talk to him about it? You're having another baby with him, you should be able to express your feelings too. He might not be getting the message, especially since it seems you never overtly express it. Yes, he should know better but he will always rely on you if you always watch and then step in.

Sampanther Wed 23-Apr-14 22:57:48

Clearly not permanently or she wouldn't have been covered from head to toe in nettle stings. He separated from exW when his dc were babies, so no he hasn't been here before.

notmy it was a contraceptive fail, to be completely honest. But he isn't malicious, just apparently clueless.

Sampanther Wed 23-Apr-14 23:02:15

But Goofy what's the alternative to watching and stepping in? Every time he did something I'd be nagging with instructions: is the step slippery, is there dog poo, you need to supervise her feeding the rabbits, it's not a good idea for her to jump on the bed, if you let her climbout of tthe bath she'll slip, if you tell her something she wants is upstairs she'll start going upstairs to get it, she's putting something small in her mouth and so on and so on.

TheScience Wed 23-Apr-14 23:07:36

His Ex is ensuring her children are cared for properly by giving him some wrath. I suggest you stop being so understanding and accomodating and give him some wrath on behalf of your children too!

Permanentlyexhausted Wed 23-Apr-14 23:17:37

No it sounds like his ex is ensuring that he is so petrified of doing something wrong that he is too nervous to do anything at all.

Because you always have it covered, on the very few occasions you don't, he doesn't realise that.

Just out of interest, if you're worried about dog poo, bed-jumping and stair-climbing, why don't you pick it up/get a stairgate?

Fizzybangfanny Wed 23-Apr-14 23:19:25

op my dp was the same with dd at the beginning. It was one of the reasons I struggled to continue to breast feed .

Because I had to do all the feeding and was super competent at everything the lazy fucker took a back seat and enjoyed the ride.

When people came around he was a doting father but fairly quickly after he was on his playing on his phone.

Four weeks in when I was nearly blind , deaf and hallucinating for sheer exhaustion, she made one little murmur when he had had hold of her for seconds and passed her to my breast and said "she is hungry "

It was a horrible time for me, I had a bad recovery from ECS and was beyond tired. I stopped breast feeding that day. I also told him to get his bags packed.

I told him he was being a fucking lazy cunt and a shit dad.

He was really shocked and stated crying! Thought I was in control!

He is a million times better now but occasionally he will get a kick up the arse. I did have to go down the route of " watch she doesn't do x,y,z because..ect or don't go to bed and leave the top of the steriliser because they will all have to be done again...

I wasn't prepared to let him bumble through dd baby years being a burden to me- watching him doing the night feeds was pathetic !

I walked past dds room when he went in to feed her and he was on his knees , stark bollocked naked, his head against the rails arm over the top, struggling to stay awake. I stood and watched him finish feeding her to make sure he didn't choke her!

Call him out on it.

wiltingfast Wed 23-Apr-14 23:21:52

You need to just let him at it. Tbh honest, apart from a possibly biting rabbit, none of what you describe is that dangerous. Let him make the mistakes and deal with the teary child etc. If you can't bear watching it, then get out more. Children get stung by nettles, step in poo and bump themselves all the time. If they don't explore their limits, they learn little.

Personally, it's not a break for me oif I have to still keep watch and nag. I don't do it and I don't find much happens really. The house is not as dangerous as you seem to think.

He's definitely overly reliant on you but the only cure for that is backing off and letting them get on with it. For her too, her dad needs to feel competent minding her. Short term pain but long term gain.

Though to be honest, they never mind them like you do yourself. I guess you have to accept that too.

Permanentlyexhausted Wed 23-Apr-14 23:27:07

Agree with wiltingfast. He's never going to learn whilst you're there so leave him to it. Children are more resilient than you think.

Sampanther Wed 23-Apr-14 23:40:58

She isn't usually interested in the stairs at all but because he'd told her something was up there and said 'shall we get it?' she began climbing the stairs. She knows not to without an adult but I guess she assumed he'd follow after suggesting it, but he didn't. The dog belongs to both of us, it shouldn't be my sole responsibility to check for and pick up poo. It was in plain sight. Dd wasn't wearing shoes and is a clean freak so would've been distraught if she'd stepped in. Whatever happens, he doesn't deal with the consequences - he hands her to me.

wilting I'm really not over-cautious, though I appreciate I perhaps sound it. Falling down the big step would've resulted in her cutting her head open on the corner of the door, and possibly the corner of the concrete step, too. I can't just 'let him at it' and let dd get hurt.

JessieMcJessie Thu 24-Apr-14 02:23:04

You let your dogs shit all over the garden and don't clear it up straight away? That's disgusting.

madwomanbackintheattic Thu 24-Apr-14 02:33:36

Just go away for the weekend and leave him to it.

He'll work it out pretty quickly.

And keep doing it.

You wouldn't want him to forget.

If he can do it with his other kids, he can manage with this one. He's just being a lazy shite and you are enabling him.

Back off and let him parent because he has to, not get away with it because you are hovering and telling him what he needs to think next.

Stop infanitlising him. He's an adult. Tell him to buck up. Fast. Then make him.

eightandthreequarters Thu 24-Apr-14 02:37:23

I'd go with fizzybang's method on this one. Tell him exactly what you think of his shit, lazy, careless parenting and his disregard for DD's safety. It's not rocket science to look at the step and see a 2-year-old could hurt herself. You don't sound overly protective, just normally aware of the dangers in your household for a very young child. He should be aware too.

Tell him to pull himself together and act like a proper parent. If you catch him playing on his phone again while his daughter falls into the nettles, chuck the goddamn phone into a pond.

OwlinaTree Thu 24-Apr-14 02:59:17

What's the work situation? Have you been at home with your dd while he worked? Do you work? I think if one parent is at home establishing the child care it could be easy for the other to get into the pattern of thinking theywwill always be 'in charge' of the child.

If the above is possible he may need to know explicitly he is in charge now. Could you discuss with him something he could do with the 2 year old ie play in the garden for 30 mins? Give him some ideas of stuff they could play out there, then once they are out there leave then to it. You could then join then after 30 mins while it's still going well rather than it being you stepping in when it all goes wrong.

I dunno maybe he lacks confidence. Good luck tho.

CrohnicallyHungry Thu 24-Apr-14 08:14:13

I think you need to leave them alone together so he knows he's in charge and has to step up- and also there's no chance of you criticising (either overtly or implied criticism). DH used to be like that with DD- she was also breastfed so whenever she wasn't happy he handed her over to me. But when DD was about a year old he got a new job that meant he could watch her in the mornings while I worked. That time alone together really helped them bond and now she's a little daddy's girl and he has a much better understanding of how much time and effort toddlers take up.

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