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To just cut my losses with the in-laws

(18 Posts)
oohnewshoes Wed 23-Apr-14 20:20:33

To cut a very long story short this boils down to two issues.

The first is my dh's cousin ( who he would think of as a brother) and his wife. Lets call her A. We all used to be very close. Children are the same age, they were god parents to our dc's. We would have had alot of family bbq's easter hunts, Halloween party's etc together. It all started to cool off, there seemed to be a atmosphere when they were around. Tbh it seemed like jealousy. Bitchy comments about kids clothes etc. It started to feel competitive. I did put some distance between us. A seemed to do the same. I still gave birthday presents etc to the kids. I wanted to keep things friendly because at the end of the day its family. Gifts were received in bad grace. My kids birthdays were not acknowledged. We were invited to their ds communion out pf the blue last year, I felt afterwards to make up numbers as there was no further contact for some months.

When they did call again A quickly pointed out she was disappointed her dc's were not involved to my ds bday party. (Wtf) it was for only 4 school friends. My dc's attended her ddparty on sat. It went well. Dh brought them and confirmed the would be attending my dd's party which was yesterday. They did not come. My kids were soo disappointed. A said she was not sure if they were invited even though it had been confirmed by text the week before also.

Then there is my mother in law who has alot of "issues" includes drink. I have tried so hard to help. To no avail. I also think she has been bad mouthing us to the cousin's family which has lead to above situation. She has always played her dc's off against each other, now her son's don't talk. She also has not attended any of my dc's plays bdays etc no matter how accommodating we have been. The whole family appear to spend their time back stabbing each other.

I just feel so drained by all of this. I honestly think it has affected my mental health. I don't know who to trust any more. They have made me hard. Every time they are not in contact life is good. I feel so sorry for dh who really got his eyes open this week. I have always bit my tongue but now I just want to tell them all to f off. I have tried so hard with them as they are very local and my family ate over an hour away.

Would I be unreasonable to just blank them all and if confronted tell them all what I think of them or long term will I do more harm than good. Sorry its sp long. Didn't want to drip feed but could write a book

Aeroflotgirl Wed 23-Apr-14 20:29:08

Tbh I would create some distance and go nc with mil, she sounds toxic

oohnewshoes Wed 23-Apr-14 20:36:19

She is toxic. I really feel family is important. I noe realise how lucky I am with my lot. Its so hard to know what to do. The kids will grow up with their kids regardless that's why I've tried until now. They will go through secondary together.

NormHonal Wed 23-Apr-14 20:38:54

Sadly it took the death of one of my DH's family members for two halves of his family to find out they didn't all hate each other after all and that the family member who had passed away had been very good at shit-stirring...sounds like it might be the case here?

Would a frank/clear-the-air talk be possible with the cousin/wife, if you would like to maintain a relationship? Then you would know whether or not MIL is stirring?

Kundry Wed 23-Apr-14 20:42:21

MIL I'd totally go NC with.

A I'm not so sure about. Is there any chance MIL stirs it with her? - if so it may be irreparable.

If not, given that you used to be close it could be worth tackling up front 'We don't seem to see each other as often as we used to. Is any thing going on? I miss the way it used to be'

oohnewshoes Wed 23-Apr-14 20:42:51

Honestly I don't know if I want to maintain it. I feel a clear the air talk will be twisted by all. I just wish they would all disappear. I don't know what to do. I think im just venting all tge things I can't say in real life.

oohnewshoes Wed 23-Apr-14 20:44:04

I think mil did stir it with A.

Caitlin17 Wed 23-Apr-14 20:46:01

I don't really get the point of families. Why do you care? Don't you and your children have friends? I get on well with my brother and his wife but don't see them often due to distance. Husband's family are an irrelevance.

I think you'd be perfectly justified in stepping back and doing your own thing. You've done your best and got nothing for it, and they are dhs family not yours. Would you have anything to do with them dh didn't happen to be related to them? Sounds like no.

oohnewshoes Wed 23-Apr-14 20:54:47

caitlin17 I think you're right. My family are so far away. I guess I just wanted my kids to have the family life I had with lots of cousin's aunt's and uncles.

I do have friends, I also appreciate family but I think we will be going it alone now.

I just need to know if I would be wrong to tell them where to go when they crawl back. They always do.

22honey Wed 23-Apr-14 20:59:12

Caitlin, the thing is some people have very dysfunctional inlaws who also expect you to have massive involvement with the family and you are seen as a twat if you don't wish to get involved in all their shit. I choose to look like a twat, my MIL is also an alcoholic in denial. Cut them off, minimise as much as possible time spent with them, only spend time with functional, normal in laws.

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn Wed 23-Apr-14 21:05:15

I empathise, have similar problems with my inlaws ... Unfortunately no advice here! Will be watching this thread though. Thanks OP an good luck

BillyBanter Wed 23-Apr-14 21:05:37

What does your DH say/think?

oohnewshoes Wed 23-Apr-14 21:16:39

Dh was always of the opinion that's just them, ignore and make yhe best of it. This weekend has opened his eyes. I feel sorry for him. He seems lost. He agrees with me . We just doesn't know weather to keep some contact as before or bow out.

I always seems to be another issue. Every thing os fine for a while then the crap starts again.

oohnewshoes Wed 23-Apr-14 21:18:31

Awful spelling sorry. Need new phone. The screen is too small on this.

ICanSmellSummerComing Wed 23-Apr-14 21:28:04

Even if MIL is shit stirring would you really want to be close to someone whose opinion of you changes not on what you actually say or do, but what MIL tells them?

No thanks!

Yes take a step back and a is too short.

BillyBanter Wed 23-Apr-14 21:38:35

I suppose your options are

pretend everything is hunky dory - invite them to things, smile, be nice - and hope sooner or later they are.

Arrange to see A and try to find out what went wrong and why/how, then take it from there - in the hope you find out that MIL has been shit stirring and to not let her get in the way.

Withdraw partially or fully from them all/just MIL/just A & family.

oohnewshoes Wed 23-Apr-14 22:25:09

Thank you all for your advice. I think you've all helped clarify things. I will not be in contact with any of them. I haven't started any contract in a long time anyway.

When they do come back I will be asking very direct questions. If I don't like the answers they can go to hell. If we can sort something, which I doubt we will do the nod and smile at family gatherings.

I'm sick of over analysing everything. Thinking what I've done wrong. The kids can form relationships when their older if they want to. I'm done.

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