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ABIU to be seriously concerned for my daughter?

(102 Posts)
WeAreTheOthers Tue 22-Apr-14 20:32:13

My DD turns 15 this June and I've recently become incredibly worried about her. She's always been a little chubby but has always acted as though she doesn't care about her weight. However when I checked her emails recently (I do every so often to make sure she hasn't run into any creeps, you know what it's like on the internet) I see that's she's been talking to her friend about attempting to lose weight without my knowledge. When I confronted her about it she refused to answer me, instead opting to berate me for invading her privacy. I believe she has changed email addresses now as that account has not been active for around a week but she refuses to tell me her new address. I logged on to her old address yesterday and it seems that just before she changed accounts she told her friend that she's probably only gaining weight, and wants to be able to see her ribs clearly.
In addition to this I recently found that she has gone through 3 razor blades in 3 months, and the last time she took a shower I found a small smear of blood on the edge of the tub, as well as several missing plasters. It wasn't menstrual blood as she finished her period two weeks earlier and is very regular. She wears short sleeves most of the time but never anything shorter than knee length, even in summer. She claims she doesn't have the thighs for it but I think she may be cutting her upper legs. DD is smart and if she were to cut I think it would be an area she could cover without arousing suspicion. I've also been watching her closely and she seems to give up easier than before, she used to be a fighter but it now it she seems almost resigned even though in public she still acts with the same 'f*ck you' attitude.
My mother thinks that DD is just going through puberty and is attention seeking but I am have serious concerns which DH shares. ABIU to be so worried about her? Or am I being stupid for not trusting my gut instinct and taking her to the doctor's office?

DamnBamboo Tue 22-Apr-14 20:35:33

On what basis would you take her to the Dr?
You can't force her to go.
Why does she have to tell you if she wants to lose a little weight?
Does she shave, could she have nicked herself?
Your invasion of her privacy is out of order and I don't blame her for swapping email addresses to be honest.

DamnBamboo Tue 22-Apr-14 20:37:26

Reading your OP again, you really need to give the kids some space! You sound a little... unhinged.

gordyslovesheep Tue 22-Apr-14 20:38:56

I am really confused - you are worried about her thinking about loosing weight? but she is overweight?

3 razors in 3 months is normal

you did invade her privacy - she has a right to be angry

That said if you think she is self harming first try talking to her CALMLY - self harm is often a temporary way of relieving stress rather than serious attempts at suicide

Try Young Minds or other similar website for more information and sit down and ask her - don't accuse her and don't march her to the GP yet

Abra1d Tue 22-Apr-14 20:39:08

I would be tempted to back off for a bit now. If you're still worried in a few weeks' time, perhaps review the situation.

But if my daughter, also 15, thought I'd been reading her emails she would be very upset and angry.

Are you in the US? Just the mention of the doctor's office made me wonder! I'm not sure how doctors work with girls suspected of eating disorders over there.

Bumbershoot Tue 22-Apr-14 20:39:58

Yep - you need to give her some space. She might come to you if you do!

Cocolepew Tue 22-Apr-14 20:40:25

She doesn't sound unhinged she sounds worried.
I would sit and talk to her, but keep it calm and listen to what she says.

NurseyWursey Tue 22-Apr-14 20:41:44

I understand you're worried but talking about dieting is something teens do, I don't think at 15 she should have to run this by you.

As for counting the razors confused that isn't a lot anyway and could have easily nicked herself.

gamerchick Tue 22-Apr-14 20:42:08

I'm not really sure where to start with your post OP.

SHe's nearly 15.. why are you checking up on every little thing she's doing? I do understand the checking up on emails.. but you don't confront them over something so small. I check my 14 yr olds facebook but only to check there's nothing I need to know about (I found out about some pretty nasty bullying via facebook).. normal teen stuff I ignore and he's aware that I'll look if I get the chance.

Maybe she's chucking razor blades away.. why are you checking? my minds boggling.

Raskova Tue 22-Apr-14 20:43:22

You do sound quite invasive of her privacy. Are you also my mother? wink

My DD is 2.5 so I have no idea what I will be like with a 15 yr old so I won't judge.

Her responses seem that of a normal 15 year old. Your paranoid reactions and assumptions are in line with your invasiveness.

In all probability, she wants to lose weight because, as you say, she's a little chubby and she's a teenager. She's terrible at shaving her legs and leaves huge sections of skin hanging off and blood splodges. Something I still do at 26.

Don't worry, but her a blue wkd and TALK grin

TippiShagpile Tue 22-Apr-14 20:44:13

The thing that stands out from reading your OP is that you need to back right off.

She doesn't have to tell you if she wants to lose weight - you say she's overweight and perhaps she wants to lose weight without you watching her every mouthful and breathing down her neck

You have snooped so I'm not surprised she changed her email address.

You know when her period is due, how long it lasts, etc. Has the poor girl no privacy?

Let her have some space otherwise she'll block you out of her life completely.

hotcrosshunny Tue 22-Apr-14 20:44:37

Stop spying on her.

She doesn't trust you and I can see why.

You need to build trust and let her come to you.

DamnBamboo Tue 22-Apr-14 20:44:41

Thinking she's self-harming because 3 razor blades have been used in 3 months, is a bit beyond worried.

MargotThreadbetter Tue 22-Apr-14 20:44:47

I'd feel stifled if I were her!
Apologise to her for nosing into her business, and maybe help her devise a healthy eating plan if she wants to lose weight.
And agree that she's probably just cut herself shaving. Give her some breathing space!

Raskova Tue 22-Apr-14 20:44:56


DamnBamboo Tue 22-Apr-14 20:45:36

Cease and desist OP.
Cease and desist.

phantomnamechanger Tue 22-Apr-14 20:45:47

I'm not sure how you leap from her shavinig her legs in the shower and nicking them (which I still do and I hvae almost 30 years experience!), to assuming she is self harming.
I'm not surprised she is angry at you sneaking around behind her back, she is entitled to some privacy and you need more cause for concern I think. So she has talked to her friend about wanting to lose a bit of weight, why not talk to her about healthy ways of losing weight so she is not tempted to cut out the wrong things (eg dairy) or crash diet?

BobPatandIgglePiggle Tue 22-Apr-14 20:50:23

It's not unheard of for teens to self harm. Unfortunately it's a lot more common than most people think.

Op I'd observe for a little longer - another week or so but if you're still genuinely worried then you need to speak to her.

Do it somewhere calm, preferably where you're not facing each other. In the car perhaps? I used to sit on the floor in front of the fire when I was young.

If mum had things to discuss that she or I were cagey about she'd come and sit behind me on a chair and talk to the back of my head. Period / puberty talks happened like this and I appreciated it.

DamnBamboo Tue 22-Apr-14 20:51:49

If you are so concerned OP, why don't you just look at her thighs when she's sleeping!

diddl Tue 22-Apr-14 20:52:55

OMG your poor daughter!

You read her emails-and then tell her, rather than thinking about how you could help her if she is worried about her weight.

You keep track of plasters & razors!!

All you needed to do was involve her in healthy meal planning-perhaps ypu can do that anyway-plus some serious grovelling!

I know that the internet can be a worry-but would she really give out her email address to creeps people she doesn't know?

magoria Tue 22-Apr-14 20:54:00

She is nearly 15 and wants to lose weight because she is chubby. That is sensible. At 15 discussing this with friends is fine.

I find any shaving cuts bleed unbelievably!

You wouldn't believe the damage I have done shaving my leg! I used one of those blades with the thin strips of metal over them to stop you cutting your leg. When I did cut my leg I ended up with 1/2 in plus of skin attached to my leg one end and stuck between the blade and the stupid piece of metal supposed to stop you cutting your leg. I had to cut it off and it bled like a stuck pig it was running between my toes and dripping on the floor. More than a few plasters were used trust me!

A razor a month on legs and underarms is hygienic I would have thought. How long should you use one? I use a new one every time!

If she has always worn clothing knee length then that isn't a change.

I know it is easy to say but back off a bit and let her have a little space.

MorningTimes Tue 22-Apr-14 20:54:08

It's surprising that you used the word 'confronted' about speaking to your daughter after reading her email. If she is a little chubby and she wants to lose some weight, then why on earth do you need to confront her about it?

A supportive thing to do would be to make/teach her to make healthy, low-fat meals & snacks, perhaps suggest going swimming/doing an exercise class together, then you would be able to help her without making her feel embarrassed or letting her know that you had invaded her privacy.

Stop reading her emails, she is 15.

The self-harming thing... Maybe you know someone who has self-harmed as a teenager? It's not a conclusion that most people would jump to, without previous experience. It sounds like you want to protect your DD and that is why you are being overbearing with her. Maybe giving her some space will help her though.

Ruushii Tue 22-Apr-14 20:54:29


GiveTwoSheets Tue 22-Apr-14 20:59:33

You have defiantly invaded her privacy, you could of been diplomatic in the approach of wanting to lose weight could of suggested something like you where joining gym and wondered if she wanted to accompany you, rather than tell her you have read her emails and basically demanded she tell you. I think you have to sit down and go over some ground rules that you allow her level of trust and privacy otherwise you just get her back up and no way if she is self harming she would confide in you. 3 razors in 3months is average, my dd broke down and told me she was self harming and it wasnt razors she was using. I was mortified that I hadn't noticed, how would I unless I checked her body but i knew other things where going on as she is able to confide in me. Privacy is a big thing in teenagers.

thebodydoestricks Tue 22-Apr-14 21:00:10

Hi op. My dd is 15. If I were you I would touch base with her woman to woman.

I take dd out for a shop/coffee at jests every month just her and me to chat, shop, hang out. You learn far more by chatting them snooping. ( and if you do snoop as we all do ffs don't tell her you idiot!!!)

If she's put in weight join a gym together, swim together, aerobics class or just go for a run together.

She's far more likely to be cutting herself shaving than self harming, and for the record I am always telling my friends I am going to loose weight!

You need to relax.

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