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My new partner is called 'Daddy' by my kids. Now the ex has reappeared on the scene...

(60 Posts)
Fullyswindonian Mon 21-Apr-14 23:11:00

I left my children's father 4 and a half years ago, taking a newborn and toddler with me. I'd had 7 years of the worst kind of DV.

He visited sporadically for a few years after, but stopped once I couldn't pay his petrol costs anymore.

There's since been no contact with his children for over 2 years. No talking, Skype, birthday or Christmas cards. No response to emails or texts.

A couple of years ago I began a relationship with someone and my eldest now calls him Daddy. We don't live together.

Out of the blue, last night I received a Facebook friend request from their father. He has styled his username under this format: 'Fred jackandjill'sdaddy' then Friend Requested everyone on my Friendlist.

His profile is pictured in a home clearly not his, and he's made little comments on his own pictures saying how much he misses them, is proud of them, and that he's set up this profile in order he can contact them.

He began access proceedings against me last year but failed to appear for Mediation or respond to any solicitor actions. So I'm confused by this development.

The cynical side of me sees the profile as a ruse of some kind. Either to let everyone on my Friendlist know 'He's The Daddy' and I'm the terrible woman for taking his children away.
I wonder if the fact the are photos of my children with my new partner on my profile that has annoyed or upset him.

Or he could genuinely have had an epiphany and want to move forward civilly.

But given his past behaviour including threats a couple of years ago that he would do everything in his power to take the chidren away from me (which would include lying under oath) I'm dubious.

So. Should I accept the Friend Request and see how his game unfolds?
Or ignore the Friend Request?

If he's had the epiphany moment and now wants to be civil and resume contact with the children, will the children be confused as one of them now calls my new partner Daddy and they have both enjoyed a relationship with him for the last few years, seeing him when he stays over weekends and on daytrips and so on.

I'm concerned that by continuing to allow the children to think of my new partner as a Daddy I have failed massively to preserve their emotional welfare, as their bio father now potentially reappearing on the scene may cause them confusion. Should I now discourage them from calling him Daddy and distance the kind of relationship the children have with him??

All of this is causing me distress - something my ex is exceptionally good at.

I genuinely welcome your views.

Fullyswindonian Tue 22-Apr-14 16:59:00

Thankyou for your replies everyone and the Facebook advice has been taken, with privacy settings now locked down.

He has been surprisingly uncommunicative on the issue since which leads me to believe it's a front for proving to Cafcass/whoever that he has been trying to make contact with the children, even thout a Facebook profile is hardly viable.

As for the Daddy thing, the eldest is clearly just looking for a father figure in her life to replace the absent one. She refers to her bio Dad as 'Daddy Fred' and my partner as just 'Daddy'. She's aware of the difference at nearly 7 years old. The youngest child has seen his bio Dad about 3 times since birth and doesn't call my new partner Daddy but by his name, which reinforces my belief that my eldest child has adopted him as a father figure. Because the youngest child has never known his bio father so has never established a father/son bond.

There's no possibility of my allowing them to call 'subsequent partners' Daddy as I don't intend to take another partner if this relationship fails.

I will update if there's any development.

flowers Thankyou

Andrewofgg Tue 22-Apr-14 18:02:15

From professional, not personal experience:

It's always dangerous to allow children to call anyone Daddy unless they have legally adopted or the bio father is dead.

You can never rule out the possibility that even the most unpromising father will get his act together, sort himself out, dry out, come off drugs, find a job, whatever, and ask for contact - directly or through the courts which might agree with him. Then you've got a problem which could have been avoided.

RedPony Tue 22-Apr-14 18:50:30

OP I can't see the issue with allowing your daughter to call your partner Daddy. A daddy is the male figure that is there for the child and helps raise the child and if that's what your daughter sees your partner as then it's up to her if she calls him daddy. as long as she is aware she has a biological father then there should be no problem smile

FTRsGotAShinyNewNN Tue 22-Apr-14 18:57:06

I don't think your eldest calling your DP 'daddy' is an issue, she clearly knows the difference between him and her bio father and calls him that as he's her father figure and she's comfortable with it, regardless of your living arrangements which is just geography
WRT your ex, ignore, block and do not engage unless through a solicitor, if he's really serious about being a part of the children's lives he'll make the effort to do things properly

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 22-Apr-14 20:37:02

Adoption most certainly involves a great deal more commitment than "signing a few bits of paper"
What a ridiculous comment.

Goldmandra Tue 22-Apr-14 20:45:28

A child can have two people they call Daddy. I know a little boy who has two mummies. He differentiates in a similar manner to the OP's elder child. It isn't a problem for anyone.

The only possible problem I can see with the OP's situation is the bio father not liking it and he gave up his right to an opinion on who gets called Daddy when he stopped bothering to see his children.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Tue 22-Apr-14 21:02:33

Adoption most certainly involves a great deal more commitment than "signing a few bits of paper"

Which OP's partner may have already proved. Certainly sounds like he has.

OP knows what is best for her children and both her and her children obviously trust her partner.

Your comment is ridiculous. Married men and 'legal' fathers can and do feck off. Marriage and adoption protect you from nothing.

OP has asked for help over a FB issue and it's totally unfair to have a go at her because she's found her children a new (and what sounds like a better) father.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 22-Apr-14 21:19:54

Which of my comments is ridiculous?

I've not had a go at OP.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 22-Apr-14 21:21:47

And I actually primarily addressed the stalking issue, as I see it.

TheRealAmandaClarke Wed 23-Apr-14 09:47:05

Can I assume you're just conveniently ignoring my question then?

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