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Lights out

(36 Posts)
proudbi Mon 21-Apr-14 22:04:42

Am I being aibu to think my dd should have her lights out by 10:30.
My oldest is 15 and says that all her friends are up much later but my dd shares a room with my other DDs 4 and 11 right now as we are moving soon to a bigger house.
What time does everyone else's kids lights go out?

Lottiedoubtie Wed 23-Apr-14 22:21:09

I'd offer her a peace treaty.

Tell her all arguments, threats and toddler style tantrums HAVE to stop immediately or the deal is off.

Tell her you are disappointed with the way she has gone about things and hope she can be more reasonable in the future but that you understand it's hard to go to bed when you personally don't feel ready.

The deal:
She can keep her iPod all night (but the wifi will go off when you go to bed).
She can read with a small torch as long as she is careful not to disturb the others.
She can watch TV later than 10.30 on weekends and one school night per week.
You will consider requests to relax the rules further once you have moved to the new house, dependent on behaviour/attitude/school marks.

In return:
She gets herself up for school on time without complaint.
She is not rude to the little ones when they wake up in the morning.
She does not intrude on your bedroom.
She does not deliberately wake the little ones up after their bedtimes.
She keeps up with school work/you don't hear reports of her being too tired to function at school.

badidea Wed 23-Apr-14 22:09:33

When I was at high school, lights out during the week was 10pm - 11pm at weekends. I think 10:30 is pretty late for a 'school night' so I think you're being pretty reasonable.

Can you record the show she wants to watch? Bottom line is you're in charge, it's your house, I'd never have argued with my mum like that (but then I was maybe a wuss teenager and my mum would have thumped me if I'd been that arsy :-)

proudbi Wed 23-Apr-14 21:58:02

where we have tried to get on top of it but the only time that it stopped was when we went no contact but can't do that again.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 23-Apr-14 18:46:51

"she just tells her dad and he causes trouble eg telling her not to listen to me and dp also telling her she can do what she wants."
This is where all this is stemming from. Until you get on top of this situation, you will not win.

proudbi Wed 23-Apr-14 18:31:23

There's a TV show on late that she wants to watch but I said no as its a school night.

proudbi Wed 23-Apr-14 18:26:03

I have spoke to DD but she just argues back at anytime of day. She has threatened to keep everyone awake tonight if she doesn't get to stay up later.

2rebecca Wed 23-Apr-14 08:34:06

I would have the big light off when the youngest goes to bed and minimal light and noise after that. Definitely no TV whilst anyone is sleeping.
I presume she has another room she can do homework chat online etc on. Mine were in bed with all lights off at 10-10.30 age 15.

Eastpoint Wed 23-Apr-14 06:04:41

I have a 15 year old and from my experience with her & talking to her friends' mothers they tend to stay up late. Not necessarily on Facebook/Snapchat but just pottering around after they've finished their revision/homework. I think they need longer to unwind before they can get to sleep. Can you try talking to her earlier in the day when everyone is less tired about how she needs to fit in with her family now and that you are doing your best to resolve the room sharing issue by moving but that you can understand her frustrations?

treaclesoda Wed 23-Apr-14 04:21:58

if she can read her kindle after lights out then that's different. I thought she was being forced to lie in bed wide awake with no way of distracting herself until she falls asleep, and I thought that was quite cruel. But if she can read, that's different.

Nowitscleanugobshite Wed 23-Apr-14 03:52:42

What is it that she so desperately needs the lights on to do?? It's 3.50am now and I'm not sleeping-but the lights are out!! Mainly because my dog is snoring and I don't want to disturb her!

SpringBreaker Wed 23-Apr-14 03:44:34

Surely letting her read quietly or piss about on Facebook until she falls asleep is easier for everyone than a nightly two hour argument. She is 15, not 5.

proudbi Wed 23-Apr-14 00:50:32

Lemony she will have her own room in the new house.
I don't tell her she has to go to sleep I just tell her no TV or lights on but she can read her kindle until she is tired. My other DDs wake up every time she goes in the room as they are really light sleepers that's why its light off at 10:30.

HillyHolbrook Wed 23-Apr-14 00:35:57

I resented my parents for this sort of thing.

I shared a room with my sister who's 5 years younger than me, so I had to be in bed, tv off at 10 until I was 17 and we moved house. When she was the ages I was when it started to bother me, she got later bedtimes because there were no more little ones. I found this awfully unfair.

Though if you're moving soon and this is temporary, will she get her own space and the youngest theirs, or at least put them together? If that's the case, tell her to stop complaining or she will end up sharing with a younger DC in the next house too, and you get a lovely home gym/officewink

Nocomet Wed 23-Apr-14 00:28:40

Stop trying to control when she goes to sleep, as a total night owl, I can assure you, you will not win!

(Any more than I can force my mega fussy DD2 to eat things she doesn't like. Some battles are pointless)

proudbi Wed 23-Apr-14 00:17:53

Arghhhhhh another night with a 2 hour argument. I am at the end of my tether.

Bowlersarm Tue 22-Apr-14 18:25:34

I agree with Marianne Some children do need less sleep, and there is nothing worse to some people than laying in bed wide awake and expected to sleep when you aren't sleepy.

Ds2 is 15 and does turn his light out at 10.30 as we ask him to. But only in term time, not school holiday or weekends when he sets his own time.

Ds1, when he was 15, really didn't need much sleep-still doesn't at 18-and as long as he was in bed by about 10.30 he dictated his own lights out time.

Ds3 currently 13, needs far more sleep than the others, so we will probably be stricter about his lights out time for a while yet.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 22-Apr-14 18:18:19

"she just tells her dad and he causes trouble"
That is a FAR bigger problem than lights out.

proudbi Tue 22-Apr-14 17:38:25

We have tried punishments with her regarding coming in me and DPs room and arguing but she just tells her dad and he causes trouble eg telling her not to listen to me and dp also telling her she can do what she wants.

proudbi Tue 22-Apr-14 17:34:17

She does have her ipod and listens to that but that gets taken away at 10:30 as she would stay up all night on Facebook.

Nocomet Tue 22-Apr-14 17:15:01

If you had told me 0r DD1 to turn our light out at 10.30pm you would find us sitting in the loo reading at midnight.

I've done just that on guide weekends away when I couldn't sleep.

Can she have a back lit kindle or an iPod? Not perfect as the back lights don't encourage sleep, but possibly a short term solution.

I don't know any 15y who share rooms, so she's likely to be grumpy.

17leftfeet Tue 22-Apr-14 17:07:01

At 15 she should be able to fall asleep when she's ready to, not by some arbitrary rule

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 22-Apr-14 17:02:57

Well, my DS is 15 and it's bed at 10 and lights out for 10.30. He has a room to himself, plus he's insomniac like me, but it's still 10.30.

As for "My oldest is 15 and says that all her friends " - AHAHAHAHAHAH grin. Of course she says that! And there may well even be some poor soul friend of hers for whom it is true. Tough, it's completely irrelevant what her friends claim (which is probably not true anyway).

I like FunkyBoldRibena's suggestion of bringing lights out forward by ten minutes every time she complains. Because her refusal to take no for an answer needs to be dealt with.

treaclesoda Tue 22-Apr-14 16:50:07

I am in my 30s and happily go to bed at 10pm. When I was 15 I stayed up later because I just wasn't tired at that time. And when I did go to bed I read until I fell asleep. No amount of being told 'you need to sleep now' would have made me fall asleep at 10.30. I knew I needed to sleep, I even wanted to sleep, but I just wasn't tired. I would have been horrified if my parents had expected me to lie in the dark tossing and turning due to some 'lights out' rule. I would have found that very upsetting - if I lie in the dark with nothing to occupy my mind I start to worry and it's a sure fire way to get no sleep at all as I'd have so much going round in my head, and I was the same at 15.

PoundingTheStreets Tue 22-Apr-14 16:41:43

Can you reason with her?

I just lifted the following from the National Sleep Foundation.

Sleep is vital to your well-being, as important as the air you breathe, the water you drink and the food you eat. It can even help you to eat better and manage the stress of being a teen.

Biological sleep patterns shift toward later times for both sleeping and waking during adolescence - meaning it is natural to not be able to fall asleep before 11:00 pm.

Teens need about 9 1/4 hours of sleep each night to function best (for some, 8 1/2 hours is enough). Most teens do not get enough sleep — one study found that only 15% reported sleeping 8 1/2 hours on school nights.

Teens tend to have irregular sleep patterns across the week — they typically stay up late and sleep in late on the weekends, which can affect their biological clocks and hurt the quality of their sleep.

Many teens suffer from treatable sleep disorders, such as narcolepsy, insomnia, restless legs syndrome or sleep apnea.

CONSEQUENCES of insufficient sleep:

Limit your ability to learn, listen, concentrate and solve problems.

Make you more prone to pimples.

Lead to aggressive or inappropriate behaviour.

Cause you to gain weight.

Contribute to illness.

Make sleep a priority.
Naps can help pick you up and make you work more efficiently, if you plan them right. Naps that are too long or too close to bedtime can interfere with your regular sleep.

Make your room a sleep haven. Keep it cool, quiet and dark. If you need to, get eyeshades or blackout curtains. Let in bright light in the morning to signal your body to wake up.

No pills, vitamins or drinks can replace good sleep. Consuming caffeine close to bedtime can hurt your sleep, so avoid coffee, tea, soda/pop and chocolate late in the day so you can get to sleep at night. Nicotine and alcohol will also interfere with your sleep.

When you are sleep deprived, you may be as impaired as drunk driver.

Establish a bed and wake-time and stick to it, coming as close as you can on the weekends. A consistent sleep schedule will help you feel less tired since it allows your body to get in sync with its natural patterns. You will find that it’s easier to fall asleep at bedtime with this type of routine.

Don’t eat, drink, or exercise within a few hours of your bedtime. Don’t leave your homework for the last minute. Try to avoid the TV, computer and telephone in the hour before you go to bed. If you do the same things every night before you go to sleep, you teach your body the signals that it’s time for bed. Try taking a bath or shower (this will leave you extra time in the morning), or reading a book.

Most teens experience changes in their sleep schedules. Their internal body clocks can cause them to fall asleep and wake up later. You can’t change this, but you can participate in interactive activities and classes to help counteract your sleepiness. Make sure your activities at night are calming to counteract your already heightened alertness.

MarianForrester Tue 22-Apr-14 16:35:16

I think YABU.

Nothing worse than being told to go to sleep when you are not sleepy, and I think she's too old to be told.

I'd let her read with a lamp or book light so as not to disturb the others.

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