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AIBU?

To ask those of you who are pro life?

999 replies

Anonynony · 21/04/2014 14:49

How do you feel about friends who have had abortions? Can you maintain friendships with people who have had an abortion and no regrets?

One of my friends has stunned me, talking about another friend of ours who had considered an abortion and my friend said I'm so glad she didn't because I wouldn't have been able to stay friends with her
I'm really surprised, I'm extremely pro choice and vocal about it but this doesn't bother my friend.
But what my friend doesn't know is that I also had an abortion and although I have no regrets I feel a bit strange around my friend now?

OP posts:

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Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2014 14:58

I am not fully pro life, as such.

I have mentioned this on other threads.

A relative has used abortion as birth control. She does have emotional issues.

I can't help but feel differently about her. I have supported her through the removal of her first child and not placed judgement, but this has really changed how I feel about her.

It would depend on the circumstances of the abortion, as it would with any other issue, such as animal neglect/Rehoming.

I am vegan because I don't believe in unnecessary death/ suffering, so I would have to extend that to an unborn child.

I would try to treat my friend with compassion, but it would have to happen for me to know the answer to your question, which might be that the circumstances of the abortion would make me see her as a person that I don't like as much.

SpiderNugent · 21/04/2014 15:02

Depends on the reason and circumstances

WooWooOwl · 21/04/2014 15:04

I'm not pro life, but I'm not pro choice either. I think there are too many varying circumstances and if the need to judge other people's choices comes along at all, then it should be done on a case by case basis.

I could maintain a friendship with someone who had an early abortion in circumstances that meant it really was the best thing for herself and the unborn baby, but there are other circumstances that could lead me to lose respect for a person as well.

I would respect a friends opinion that she couldn't maintain a friendship with someone else who had an abortion, because I can understand the pro life POV.

Bitofadilema · 21/04/2014 15:08

I am practising catholic and while not fully pro life, I have friends and a cousin who have terminated and don't judge them.

Lots of reasons and circumstances and not for me to judge.

Topaz25 · 21/04/2014 15:19

I wouldn't define myself as pro life or pro choice. I'm Catholic and I lean towards pro life in that I think alternatives to abortion should be considered and it should be a last resort and I wouldn't have one myself. However realistically I don't think the option should be completely taken away because that leads to back alley abortion clinics. I wouldn't judge a friend for having an abortion, it must be a very difficult decision and who am I to throw the first stone? I wouldn't feel comfortable going with them or offering practical support to enable it though. So I'm sitting on the fence, getting splinters.

Anonynony · 21/04/2014 15:20

Thanks for your replies.
In the case of our mutual friend, it was a late abortion she was thinking about whereas in my case it was very early however as far as reasons come into it some would think people would more understand the friends reasons than mine.

Though I do appreciate her opinion even though my beliefs on the subject couldn't be more different to hers, I feel like a bit of a fraud maintaining a friendship with her when she wouldn't even want to be friends with me if she knew?

OP posts:

Gen35 · 21/04/2014 15:21

I'm a currently lapsed catholic and I agree with a bitofadilema, it isn't my place to judge although I hope never to have to face this choice personally. Having a baby you can't cope with isn't something people can just get on with or suck up. I've got quite a few friends and family who've had abortions and I don't think about it. Having lost a baby early on in pg as well made me realise that a life is not certain outcome of many pregnancies either.

WooWooOwl · 21/04/2014 15:23

Do you think your friends reaction is because it would have been a late abortion?

picnicbasketcase · 21/04/2014 15:28

This will sound awful and probably is. I consider myself to be pro choice, but I know a couple of people who have had abortions and my opinion of them is lower than it used to be. I think everyone should have that choice and that it's nobody else's business, but I can't shake the feeling even though it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Obviously I would never do or say anything to them that would make them feel bad, but still

Birdsgottafly · 21/04/2014 15:28

It depends on how late the late abortion was and what the reasons were.

If it wasn't life limiting/severe health conditions, for either mother or child then no other reason would allow me to remain friends.

What made my reaction worse to my relative was that she had scans and left ending the pregnancy, even though she had definitely decided against it.

5madthings · 21/04/2014 15:30

I am pro-choice, what another woman does with her uterus is not my business. I wouldn't be friends with someone that was so anti abortion that they judged others, fair enough to think it's not a choice to make yourself but once you start judging other women for their choices you can fuck off.

MysticMugBug · 21/04/2014 15:31

I'm the same as topaz

Aeroflotgirl · 21/04/2014 15:31

I agree with spider, depends on reasons and circumstances.

javotte · 21/04/2014 15:32

I am fully pro-life.
I know two persons who have had at least an abortion.
I have to try to keep it at the back of my head because I do judge, but yes, I am friends with them.

antiabz · 21/04/2014 15:32

Same as above for me.

Judge on a case by case basis.

For example:

Friend A) very unstable relationship, emotional trauma, just couldn't cope. Still friends.

Friend B) Abortions as a form of birth control, every single bloody time waited until the absolute legal limit. Sent her packing.

Gen35 · 21/04/2014 15:35

Technically though, if you are pro life on religious grounds, the stage it's done at shouldn't matter as certainly for Catholics life starts at conception. As a secular issue though, actually I think I'd struggle to feel the same about a friend that had a late abortion without health of child/adult grounds. I do have a family member that's done this late though and in her case I can understand why, she had good reasons. Not that it does after what I think :)

Aeroflotgirl · 21/04/2014 15:39

I also agree with Topaz, I would never disown a friend over it

LineRunner · 21/04/2014 15:41

Well I think everybody is 'for life', aren't they?

And very many of us support legal abortion.

thegreylady · 21/04/2014 15:44

I am pro life but what other people do is their business. I can imagine circumstances in which abortion could be the lesser evil. As far as I know I don't know anyone who has had an abortion but if I did I hope I would be understanding.

Weathergames · 21/04/2014 15:47

I had an abortion when I was a 19 yr old heroin addict in an abusive relationship. I figured if I couldn't look after myself I was not in a good place to be a mother.

20 yrs later I still think about that baby and what he/she might have been but I know I took the right very difficult decision and I would not have put my life back together and gone on to have the wonderful family I now have.

If any of my friends secretly judged me for that I would gladly show them the door out of my life.

Shockers · 21/04/2014 15:54

It's an emotive subject for me as my mother did attempt to abort me. In her defence, she was a terrified Catholic teenager in the 60s. I'm glad it was unsuccessful and that she realised that having me wasn't the end of her world. She was even strong enough by the time I was born to refuse to let me be taken for adoption.

Anonynony · 21/04/2014 15:57

Oh shockers, I'm so sorry x

OP posts:

OeufsWillBeOeufs · 21/04/2014 16:00

I'm surprised to see many people using the term 'pro life' so casually - it's a hugely loaded term with one particular agenda behind it. 'Anti abortion' is a much more accurate term.

Anonynony · 21/04/2014 16:01

You're right oeufs

OP posts:

SoftSheen · 21/04/2014 16:02

It is possible to be both pro-life and pro-choice. I would never have an abortion myself (except perhaps under extreme circumstances such as threat to my own life or very severely disabled baby), nor would I ever encourage anyone else to have an abortion, were they to ask my opinion.

However, I respect other people's choices and rights over their own bodies, and would maintain a friendship with someone who chose to have an abortion. That said, I probably couldn't bring myself to support them to the extent of accompanying them to the clinic.

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