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To be narked by sister

(47 Posts)
bouquetofpencils Tue 15-Apr-14 18:31:35

I pick my DNephews up from school (by walking, no car) and feed them once a week. However my BIL (who has their car) never picks them up. My DH ends up taking them home when he gets home from work.
This week I said to my DSis that DH couldn't do it, BIL would have to.
DSis says oh BIL is really busy at work , he's working really hard so it will be really late, don't know when he can get them.
My DH is also really busy, works really hard and gets in late. Why should he miss part of his evening with me and own DCs to be ferrying DNephews about? We are doing them the favour, looking after and feeding their children. (and get no thanks) and they don't think it is their responsibility to collect their children but expect us to take them home.
Don't want an argument as we have illness in the immediate family so a family fall out won't help but how can I get them to see that they need to start taking responsibility for their own children? This is just one example of many.
I have a very good relationship with my DNephews and due to circumstances in family I can't stop the arrangement to look after them so stopping that isn't an option.

FourForksAche Tue 15-Apr-14 23:54:52

Be firm, it's the best option for YOU in the long run. I find the people who complain when you're rocking the boat are the ones who want to take advantage.

MrsGeneKelly Wed 16-Apr-14 01:20:11

Be firm & tell it like it is. It is the adult thing to do.

mimishimmi Wed 16-Apr-14 02:37:06

Ahhh... So it's not just the one afternoon a week is it? She's totally taking advantage. Unfortunately, especially if you stay home or work part-time (or even fulltime but conveniently closer to nursery), some women people perceive you as one of the 'little people' who have copious amounts of time available to tend to the things they can't get around to with their Very Important Busy Lives. They get easily annoyed when you can't tend to their immediate needs and the most effective way to get you to do it is to make you feel petty and small. Not because you are petty and small, mind you. It's just a tactic.

Go on a long holiday and she'll have to arrange something else smile when you get back say you enjoyed it so much that she should keep the existing arrangement going.

diddl Wed 16-Apr-14 08:09:22

It's perhaps the fairest to tell her & tell her now, although she doesn't deserve such consideration, but the children do.

hamptoncourt Wed 16-Apr-14 08:20:02

Your DSIS is deliberately using the fact that you think you cannot cause conflict within the family, to manipulate you.

Can you say you cannot pick them up this day any more because of XYZ other arrangement? What if one of your DC wanted to do an after school club that meant you had to be elsewhere?

You are being emotionally blackmailed and need to stop it right now. If you really cannot stomach stopping the arrangement altogether, tell her that her DC have to be collected, by BIL or her or whoever, by X time, or you will be putting them in a taxi home (without further conversation) and she will have to pay for it when they get out.

Stand up for yourself!!!!

limitedperiodonly Wed 16-Apr-14 08:43:29

I don't want to bother my parents as they hate any family conflict

This is the root of it. You and she have learned that this is the way to behave.

If you want her to stop taking advantage of you, you are going to have to tell her that, calmly and firmly. But if it is more important to you to avoid 'conflict' - which isn't conflict, btw, it's just saying what you want - then you are going to have to put up with her and BIL taking the piss.

bouquetofpencils Wed 16-Apr-14 10:59:16

I think that my parents have probably done far too much to avoid rocking the boat with them over the years that my sister sees it as the norm for everyone to be running round after her. The crux I think is that my BIL is a bit of a pain and always shirks his responsibility onto others and yes, he perceives us all as less busy and less important. My DSis probably tries to avoid conflict with him and so it keeps filtering down the line.
I think changing the habits of a lifetime is going to be hard. And yes it is emotional blackmail because if I am firm and assertive it will cause a row.

bouquetofpencils Wed 16-Apr-14 11:07:59

You are all helping a lot because I am seeing it from different angles and will be a bit wiser to their manipulations.

FourForksAche Wed 16-Apr-14 11:16:08

If it does cause a row, it's not your fault. You shouldn't let the possibility of a row stop you from saying what your limits are. How she and BIL react is out of your hands and you will not be at fault if they kick off, they will.

But you are at fault for not saying what you want in the first place. Hope you aren't offended, I'm saying it because you need to set limits with those two.

SilverShadows Wed 16-Apr-14 11:21:59

You can't just not collect the kids from school one day - that isn't fair on them, and this isn't their fault.

After the easter hols just tell your sister that your DH can't run them home ans she needs to organise them being picked up from you. Otherwise you will be unable to have them.

diddl Wed 16-Apr-14 12:10:35

It isn't fair on the kids.

But if OP doesn't phone to arrange it, will her sister assume it's still happening anyway??

wolfofwestfieled Wed 16-Apr-14 12:31:52

Play her at her own game, then.

Phone her in tears saying it can't carry on, you feel so taken advantage of, nobody treats you fairly. Then she can't play the victim.

gamerchick Wed 16-Apr-14 12:38:41

I wonder if one day you just didn't take them home and just 'kept them' for a bit, how long it would take for her notice.

limitedperiodonly Wed 16-Apr-14 13:18:15

Or perhaps gamerchick she should just say: 'Children? What children?' wink

bouquetofpencils Wed 16-Apr-14 15:34:13

You are naughty peoplesmile

I would never not pick them up from school. I love my DNs, their welfare comes first.

Yes, after Easter I need to set limits so we know where we stand. And be consistent. And generally be firmer.

Thank you all for taking the time to post, I feel more confident in being firm about it.

FourForksAche Wed 16-Apr-14 17:32:58

good for you! wine

maddening Thu 17-Apr-14 14:11:29

could does not pick them up on foot when she finishes work?

maddening Thu 17-Apr-14 14:12:27

does =dsis
ps hope being assertive helps

bouquetofpencils Fri 18-Apr-14 21:13:48

Madd she could... But she never would!
Things are going to change and I think she is going to be quite confused!

Odaat Fri 18-Apr-14 21:19:05

I'm sorry but MAN up! Get some backbone and stop being a complete and utter doormat. You don't ask for respect, you earn it. Your sis behaviour is shocking, but more fools you for bloody entertaining it! I am more surprised by that, than her behaviour tbh

bouquetofpencils Sat 19-Apr-14 10:19:36

Odaat I agree with you! You are right, I have been far too soft!
Something else happened yesterday and I saw it in a whole new light, it was very disrespectful behaviour on her part. She could see I wasn't impressed and confronted me even though my parents were in earshot. I just twigged she was pushing me to complain so that I would appear the awkward one in front of a group. I didn't though I just cooly thought no, bide your time and deal with it calmly when she's not expecting it.
She has got into a habit of being very cheeky and thinking it is great she is getting away with it I think.
Thank you for making me see I am not being nice, I am being walked over.

lechers Sat 19-Apr-14 11:18:56

In your situation, I think I'd be tempted for my children to suddenly find an extra curricular activity or something that they had to do on that evening... So either you can't drop off (because DH will be at said activity with children at drop off time) or you can not have her children any longer that evening.

Give advance warning - my children are going to be doing X hobby on X night (or whatever the reason is), which means we can no longer have your children. Here's some details of a childminder I know, she's got spaces and can look after your children for you...

Your children have only got to do said hobby for a few weeks / months. Could give it up after!

Or something similar which gets you out of having them, but avoids the row at this stressful time.

If everything else was normal, I'd go for the assertive route, but given the other problems you've mentioned, and the real need to avoid a row, I personally would be inclined to find a genuine reason excuse to get out of looking after them, which your sister then can't turn around on you (especially if you offer her the alternatives at the same time - she then can't say you're letting her down!)

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