To not want ex having contact in my flat(13 Posts)
Ok, not sure if I'm not BU or if hatred is clouding my judgement!
Ex has not lived with us since Xmas but we were still trying to make it work so would often be round at the flat.
Since the end of we've been officially broken up and I said he could have dd (8 months) whenever as long as I had notice.
Since then he's taken her out twice, for 2/3 hours. The rest of the night he comes round, plays with her and has a sleep (he works nights) I've asked him not to do this and just have more of a normal arrangement but he doesn't listen and I don't know what to do.
His friend has a similar arrangement where the ex stays every weekend so thinks its normal.
If you get on with your ex well enough, I think it's fair for him to have contact with such a young baby in her own home. It's her safe place too, not just yours.
It depends partly on where he is living as well, is his home suitable for him to spend time with the baby?
When my ex and I first split up the children were still young and he hadn't sorted out a decent home for himself right away, so he would see our children in my home and I'd go round to a friends or to the gym for a couple of hours. I didn't particularly like it, but I could see that it was best for the children because by the time he was back from work there was no where else he could really go to spend time with his dc regularly.
By the time the dc were older and my ex had sorted himself out with a decent home, there was no need for it to continue, so it was only ever a temporary thing that was in the best interests of the children, even if it didn't really suit me.
I don't think the contact at your house is unreasonable but the sleeping definitely is!
We're trying to get on but we really don't. I'm still so upset and hurt by how he treated me while we were together.
My flat is tiny so there's really no getting away from he while he's there and he doesn't clear up after himself, helps himself to food and doesn't wash up. If he took the baby out I would be able to get jobs done I don't manage whole with her.
He lives at his mums and she's had the baby once overnight so it's suitable for her. It takes an hour on tubes which IMO isnt too far as when we were together wed take her over for the day.
I think the main problem is I'm starting to feel helpless like I was in the relationship and I really don't want that
Would you be willing to do one of the tube journeys? It would work out as 4 hours on the tube if your ex had to do all the pick ups.
Is there a playgroup near you? He could take her there and it's nearly summer so he can go to the park when it's nice weather.
There are lots of groups and a park which he did on those 2 occasions but when I suggest he moans about work and says he's too tired. :/
I've offered to pick or drop her off!
You need to try and put your hurt from the relationship to one side and concentrate on creating a new relationship as the two parents of a child who needs you both.
I would tell him that if he wants to spend time with the baby in you flat then there will be ground rules. He has no right to make a mess of your home, or to fall asleep on the sofa, or eat all your food, and he needs to know that you won't allow him use of your home for contact if he continues to be so disrespectful to you.
I'd also offer to do one of the journeys to his mums, either drop off or pick up, so that he gets used to the idea that that is where contact will be taking place in the future.
I agree about putting the hurt to one side. I really try but it's just so hard
It's not been too long so I guess I should give it more time and hope for improvement.
I have never been in this situation, but advice usually posted is that you have no obligation to allow contact in your house, especially if it is having an adverse effect on you (as this seems to be). Other posters have previously suggested some Exes use such contact as a way of maintaining control/deliberately causing difficulties or of avoiding responsibility (i.e. not having to think of organising food for their child and assuming they can just use what is in the house). As an observer, as he does have somewhere suitable to take his child, this seems to be born of laziness.
You are entitled to feel comfortable and secure in your own home. He does not live there anymore.
Tell him (don't ask) that you will drop her off to his mums and he will pick her up (or vice versa).
If he objects, repeat. Calmly, without justifying yourself. Just 'that doesn't work for me'
Thank you all for the advice. I probably do make it too easy for him (preparing her food and washing it up after etc). Fingers crossed it goes well.
No, you don't have to put up with this.
Facilitating contact between your ex and your DD does not mean that he gets to treat your home like his personal doss house and larder. I should imagine that's probably the kind of behaviour that led to you splitting up in the first place.
Arranging to drop her off at his mum's, with him bringing her back, sounds like the ideal solution. After all, he's not really having much contact at yours anyway if he's asleep . He sounds as though he's marking out his territory.
Thank you and yes, although there was much more, his laziness was a factor in our break up!
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