To think that to declare that you only want girls/ boys is mostly quite ghastly really?

[AskBasil]

I mean really, why?

It strikes me as already putting your child into a box before it's even born. And talk about a bad start for a kid - I really wanted you to have different genitalia because I've got some weird idea that that's what determines your character, behaviour and relationship with me and of course my parenting can't be expected to have as much influence as your genitalia.

FFS.

Sorry I know there may sometimes be legitimate-ish reasons for this (you've had 5 boys already and you want a girl, you're thinking of the future when you're a MIL etc.) but the woman I know hasn't got such reasons - she's just a fuckwit and I need to vent because I'm sick of her saying (in front of my DS as well), that she only wants girls. Bear with me.

[sadsaddersaddest]

I only wanted boys because I have a toxic mother and I dreaded being a mother to a girl. I never bragged about it though.
I love my two daughters but I am so scared I will be a bad mother.

[elliejjtiny]

I only say this to people who look at me sympathetically when I'm out with my 4 boys and tell me it's such a shame that I don't have any girls.

[shakinstevenslovechild]

My Mum only wanted boys, sadly, for her, I am a girl and she took every opportunity to tell me what a disappointment I am.

She certainly put on a good show for other people, but she always treated me differently, I knew even before she told me, that I was unwanted.

We no longer speak, funnily enough a part of me going nc with her was because she very obviously favoured my daughters over my son.

[RufusTheReindeer]

When I was in my early 20's I worked with two women who seemed to me ( as I was young) to be very Stepford wife like

They both worked full time but would shop for fresh ingredients for their husbands tea which had to be on the table when he got home, that sort of thing

They were pregnant at the same time and both wanted boys only and if you mentioned girls you would get an earful of how dreadful girls are!!

But they were both girls!!!! How does that even work

[AskBasil]

sadsaddersaddest I'm sure that if you have awareness of awful parenting, you won't be one IYSWIM.

Those of us who had such toxic parents and are not in denial about it, do not have to continue the cycle.

I really hope I'm not doing so. All we can do is try and hope our children are forgiving of our mistakes.

[LtColGrinch]

lol, we were indifferent before we had either of ours. But now that we've had 2 boys we are so glad we didn't have girls!!

[ACatCalledColin]

I only say this to people who look at me sympathetically when I'm out with my 4 boys and tell me it's such a shame that I don't have any girls.

Do people actually say this?

[dilys4trevor]

I agree. I have two boys and am pregnant with my third DC. I found out that the baby is a girl. Great news, but would have been just as happy to find out I am having a third boy. You family 'shape' is your family shape and to say you want it this way or that when it comes to gender is weird.

A woman at work is upset because she found out at 20 weeks she is having a boy and wanted a girl. Like, really upset. It's her first child as well! Boils my piss when there are couples out there so desperate. Being able to conceive naturally and healthily is a brilliant thing. To say 'I would have preferred such-and-such' is just petulant and undeserving.

[Sharaluck]

Yanbu

I think it is sad and rude.

[AskBasil]

I'm just glad I didn't give birth to camels.

Or goats

[HolidayCriminal]

I believe that boys & girls are quite different. So much so that their gonads rewire their brain & do affect relationships, behaviour & character.

I can think of more ghastly things to want than specific gender.

[Norfolknway]

I found it odd.

I have a boy and a girl.

I couldn't have cared less.

[Famzilla]

I think it's just ignorance really.

My mum was incredibly abusive growing up and sexually exploited me in my teens, when I fell PG I couldn't even bear the thought of having a daughter. In my mind women were evil and mother & daughter relationships were hostile at best. I was scared of history repeating.

Funnily enough I have a daughter and she is the light of my life. I cannot imagine having any other child now! Still, every day I probably kiss, cuddle and play with her too much as I'm so conscious of ensuring I'm nothing like my own mother.

[IceBeing]

It isn't the petulant entitlement that gets me...its the idea that boys and girls are so intrinsically different that it is worth caring which one you have.

Disgusting frankly, that here in 2014 people are treating their children so differently based on what 5% of their genetic inheritance?

[Pumpkinette]

Ok I do admit I really hoped DD was going to be a girl when I was pregnant. If she was a boy it wouldn't have been the end of the world but I did have a preference for having a girl.

We have no plans to have anymore children but if we did I would want another girl as in my opinion (and experience) sisters are closer than brothers and sisters. However had DD been a boy then I would have wanted another boy for the same reason.

So I suppose I would fall into your catagory OP but its been my experience that has made me this way - my brother and I are not close by any stretch of the imagination and he was very, very cruel to me as a child - particuarly in school. My female cousin spent a lot of time with us when we were children and we are very close and feel like sisters. I know there are no guarantees that any two children will get along regardless of thier sex but in general 2 girls or 2 boys get along better - particuarly if thee is an age gap between them.

[IceBeing]

holiday I don't think the tiny genetic difference is at all relevant with respect to the massive social conditioning that starts well before the poor feckers are even born.

[sashh]

shakinstevenslovechild

My mum wanted a daughter (already had a boy) I am not the daughter she wanted, I understand your pain. I think people like this don't just want a boy or a girl they have an entire life set up for their child before they are born.

Sometimes there are good reasons for wanting a boy or girl such as medical issues or as a friend's sister in law said. "I'm glad I had a boy, I've seen how girls are treated in this family".

People used to say they were not bothered as long as the baby was healthy.

[HairHelp]

YABU, so what if I want girls? So what if I wanted girls, told you about it and then ended up with a boy?

So what if I wanted girls for no other reason than to share nail varnishes with?

Can't anyone talk anymore without offending somebody for fuck all reason??

[SuzzieScotland]

Yanbu

My friend keeps going on that she wants a boiy as "it will be like a little version of dh", I love her but hope she doesn't have one now. I said what if it was like a little version of your dad, she replied that would be horrific..

[Writerwannabe83]

When I was pregnant my DH said he'd be happy with whatever sex we had but he'd much prefer it to be a boy. He said if we had a boy he'd be happy to stick at only one child but if we had a girl he'd want to try again for a boy.

We had a gender scan at 16 weeks and I was pretty nervous about it. It actually transpired we were having a boy and DH was over the moon. My MIL had come with us and although she didn't say it, it she was clearly disappointed as she wanted a Grandaughter.

[KoalaFace]

It smacks of absolute stupidity to have such powerful feelings on the gender of your children when you have no power over it. If you feel like you won't love them as much or won't be a good parent if they are the wrong gender then you shouldn't be taking a 50/50 risk with a child's life.

However I understand how abusive, toxic and traumatic events and relationships can make people terrified of repeating history. I truly believe though that in those cases (like you Famzilla) that although they are scared of what being a parent to the boy/girl will mean, they know, deep down that they will not make the same mistakes/will love their baby no matter what.

I think it's a totally different issue to people who just want to fulfil a "dream lifestyle" of girly shopping with DD or being a mum with a group of boys who "know mummy is a princess!" Yes I met someone who said that...

[BrianTheMole]

There are plenty of things that are ghastly in the world, having a preference of gender isn't one of them. Doing something about it like having a termination if the baby wasn't the preferred gender, yes that would be ghastly. Or treating a child badly because of their gender, that would be ghastly too. But having a preference for girls over boys, or vice versa, does not someone a ghastly person.

[Hoppinggreen]

I wanted a girl first time around. That was my preference, didn't see how it affected anyone else.
I didn't go on about it or say I wouldn't love a boy or anything like that, it was just what I preferred at the time.
Not seeing how that's ghastly

[AskBasil]

I think that's what's rattling me about it: her implication that she would not be as kind or as loving to a boy. That is what I find so ghastly about it.

Thinking about it, she has a terrible relationship with her father; talks about him like a 15 year old would talk about their strict authoritarian father. She's never quite made the transition of having an adult relationship with her father, she's still in little girl mode where he's concerned. Those of you who have posted about fear of toxic relationships because of your own childhood experiences, thank you, I've realised that might be a factor in why she's quite so vociferous about not wanting boys. I still think it's a bit gruesome if she ever finds she has one and hope she sorts her issues out if she does, so that she doesn't inflict them onto him, but it has made me feel less antagonistic about her comments.

[NewtRipley]

sadsaddersaddest

I have two boys and they are very different from each other. If one of them had been a girl, maybe I might have been tempted to put their character differences and interests down to their gender, rather than equally important factors such as temperament, personality and birth order.

What I am trying to say is that, whilst I really understand your fears, the gender of the child is not what determines your relationship with them.

As others have said, your awareness of your difficult relationship with your mum, hopefully makes you able to address those things and try and ensure the pattern doesn't continue.