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To not invite my family to DS's Christening.

(136 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Tue 15-Apr-14 02:47:27

Me and DH have a 3 week old baby and the subject of getting him Christened was raised a lot during the pregnancy. My DH is eager to get it done whereas I'm not. Neither me or DH are remotely religious and he only wants it done to open up schooling options. Although he did once say his parents would be disappointed if we didn't Christen DS.

After numerous discussions I have said that seeing as DH is so adamant then he can get DS Christened. I actually googled whether both parents need to be there because the whole farce of it does not appeal to me at all. Unfortunately I would have to be present.

All of my family are non-religious. When I told my mom we were getting DS Christened she pulled a face and said, "You don't expect me to be there do you?" I absolutely don't and told her this. I said I wouldn't be going if I had a choice.

To be honest none of my family would be interested - I'd be embarrassed at making them sit through it - so I've told my DH I probably won't even invite them.

DH was not too impressed.

But seriously, I'm not religious and don't believe in the Ceremony and nor do my family so what's the issue if they're not there?

As far as I'm concerned it can just be me through force, DH, his parents and the people he wants as Godparents. I've said there's no way we're making a big song and dance about it. Definitely no gifts or after party

I'm cringing at just the thought of it all....

Hebburnisaplaceonearth Tue 15-Apr-14 02:50:08

It's completely ridiculous to get your DS christened at all if neither if you believe in it.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 15-Apr-14 02:51:27

My point exactly!!!

Littledidsheknow Tue 15-Apr-14 02:56:32

You're doing your family a favour if you - and they - feel this way. It'd be better not to invite yourself too, though. I think, however, that a certain amount of churchgoing may be more of a requisite for getting your child into your local church school!

Thumbwitch Tue 15-Apr-14 02:59:47

If your DH is so keen to make it a big "thing", it sounds to me as though there's more to it than just "opening up school options" for him. Maybe he still has latent beliefs, inherited from his parents? Or is he just worried about what they'll think/say?

I wanted to get my DS1 christened because, although I'm not a big church goer, it was just something I wanted done (not just for my father, for me too) - whereas DH was like you, and only went along with it under sufferance. But I didn't bug him about inviting any of his family, I knew he was only doing it to please me and felt no need to increase his discomfort. We did have a party but only friends and my family - he was ok with it. But he won't let me get DS2 christened, which makes me a bit sad.

In essence then, YANBU - I didn't invite any friends or family who would have been uncomfortable in a church setting (apart from DH) and nor should you have to.

RedFocus Tue 15-Apr-14 07:40:05

I've never understood why people get their dc christened even though they themselves are not religious and don't even attend Church. blush

aquashiv Tue 15-Apr-14 07:45:53

I don't understand why you send your child to a Christian school with your complete disdain for the faith.
How confusing for your kids.

Lilaclily Tue 15-Apr-14 07:46:01

You have to attend church / Sunday school to get into a faith school where I live

ChickyEgg Tue 15-Apr-14 07:47:51

Neither of my DC are christened. We are not religious and thought it would be hypocritical to have a ceremony neither of us believed in.

Is he set on your child going to a faith school?

firesidechat Tue 15-Apr-14 07:49:52

My husband and I are Christians and we didn't have our children christened and christenings make me a bit uncomfortable, so I can sympathise.

Does it really make a difference to school options? It may well do, but a significant difference?

Anyway that's not what you asked. I completely agree with you OP, but not sure if that will help you at all.

eurochick Tue 15-Apr-14 07:49:55

How ridiculous. As others have said a baptism won't grant entry to a faith school anyway. Your family should be grateful for you keeping them away from this farce. In your shoes I would feel massively uncomfortable about saying all the renouncing the devil stuff and so on.

CSIJanner Tue 15-Apr-14 07:51:15


Is your DH Catholic or CofE? Because it only really makes a difference if the former. Church of England schools in my area are open to all and school entry is decided on distance as opposed to religious beliefs. Your DH can also attend CofE church with your DS semi regularly before he's of school age so he can apply for a supporting letter from the vicar.

FTR I'm RC as are my DC's but that's because of my own personal beliefs. DH didn't care really but I would not have had them baptised had he been opposed to it.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Tue 15-Apr-14 07:54:04

We didn't christen our children despite my parents judging me for my resistance.

The school we sent them to was an outstanding CoE, it was on our doorstep so they went there.

There was no issue.

arethereanyleftatall Tue 15-Apr-14 07:55:00

Afaik christening doesn't affect your chances of getting into a faith school. For ours, you need to attend church at least twice a month for a year. Christening isn't mentioned on the form.

However, I think this is wrong, wrong, wrong. a church is not the place to lie whether you believe or not.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Tue 15-Apr-14 07:55:24

Cross post with CSI.

arethereanyleftatall Tue 15-Apr-14 07:56:51

Oh and yanbu

DraggingDownDownDown Tue 15-Apr-14 07:56:54

My children are not christened and attend a CoE school (closest school) but if over subscribed church attendance is priority. Being christened doesn't matter.

MrsGeneKelly Tue 15-Apr-14 07:58:21

Naw, they already told you they aren't interested, why out them on the spot?

puntasticusername Tue 15-Apr-14 08:00:02

Congratulations on your lovely baby, OP thanks

In your position, I'd suggest being very honest with the priest when you meet him/her to discuss the christening. I know one who would flatly refuse to christen a child whose mother feels the way you do about it. This may, of course, more ructions with your husband if he thinks you've stitched things up deliberately...

HmmAnOxfordComma Tue 15-Apr-14 08:09:44

Yeah, I would double check that christening your Ds would make any difference to school options at all. In our county, only the (3or 4) Catholic schools have religious criteria. The CofE ones don't at all; they're all village schools and take purely on catchment. You can check the admissions policies on the authority's website.

If it makes no difference, at least you and dh can have a proper conversation about his reasons for wanting Ds christened when you are both atheist.

And, no, stick to your guns about not asking your family.

ceres Tue 15-Apr-14 08:14:01

we got married in church. I am rc but non practising, dh doesn't have any religion. I was quite happy to get married in a civil ceremony but dh wanted to get married in church. our priest (actually a canon) was completely fine about it.

op - i would check again whether you need to be there. i think you certainly would need to give consent but may not need to be physically present. of course you would need to consider how this may make your dh feel and, in years to come, how your child might feel about you not being there - it may not be an issue at all.

onetiredmummy Tue 15-Apr-14 08:21:58

My dc's are at a faith school (long story, I'm appealing to have them moved) and I'm atheist.

If you wish a child to be admitted to this school on the grounds of faith, then the admission process is different and you need a formal letter from your parish vicar as evidence of your church attendance. Christening has nothing to do with it, neither of my dc's are christened as there's no point promising a god I don't believe in that the children will live in a faith I don't believe in.

Sounds as if your chap is under pressure from his parents.

onetiredmummy Tue 15-Apr-14 08:22:56

The school is c of e, should have said ....

jaynebxl Tue 15-Apr-14 08:26:13

Like someone else asked, why would you want the door open to a faith school if you don't share that faith anyway? Genuine question.

hobnobsaremyfave Tue 15-Apr-14 08:30:10

I suspect this is more about keeping his parents happy than schooling.

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