Firstly, I must apologise for posting on here as I am not a mother (although this is a small fraction of my problem) but I am seeking help as one female from hopefully a few others. I have tried breast cancer forums but due to the nature of my situation (currently NED) I worry that my concerns pale into insignificance compared with others there so thought MN was worth a shot.
Upshot is that i am quietly not coping well but hide it V well from others not only because it has been tough on them but im not sure what they can do.
Background: I was diagnosed with grade 3 triple negative breast cancer aged 25. I was clear by age 27 but last summer recurred. This has been treated (mercifully didnt lose hair this time round). I realise i am so lucky but i cant seem to shake the feeling of utter anxiety and fixation with when i might die as i feel like i am just waiting for it to come back. I am not living in denial but i am certainly not depressed; i am very happy and content with my life, have a wide circle of wonderful friends and enjoy life and make the most of it. I just cant shake the panic that i dont know what will happen and struggle to make any plans at all which is becoming increasingly difficult the older i get (was easier at 25 iyswim). I am getting married to my amazing bf who has stuck by me throughout all of this in 18 months. This fills me with quiet terror although i want nothing more than to be martied to him. "Will i be well for the wedding?" "Might i develop secondaries before then?" Etc etc. He and my friends wouldnt believe that i feel this way as i hide it well. Friends are marrying and settling a lot lately - babies, martiage, that kind of thing. I worry that i wont be able to give my partner a baby, i worry that i might not be here in 5 years. As i said, i dont think im depressed, rather im struggling to adapt to an uncertain life. I suppose its a tall ask but does anyone have any wisdom, experience or advice that they wouldnt mind sharing?
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12 replies
Beckfer1 · 14/04/2014 20:59
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