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AIBU to be annoyed that friend invited herself out for lunch with us?

(60 Posts)
chesterberry Mon 14-Apr-14 10:18:36

Just to set the scene I am visiting my family in the place I grew up and so have been arranging to catch up with friends. My phone has been broken and so I have been using facebook for this.

Last week I arranged to see a very good friend (friend A) who I have not seen for months. I have a DD (8mo) and she has no children, we arranged to meet at a 'naice' tea rooms for lunch. Obviously some of my attention will need to be directed to my daughter but she is usually quite good and I'm expecting her to take her nap. We'll be able to have adult conversation.

Anyway, Friend A posted on my facebook wall something along the lines of, 'See you at Naice Cafe tomorrow at 12.' Another friend, Friend B, saw it and commented, 'Hey, hope it's okay if I come along too. Would be really nice to do something with DD1(3) and DD2(7) today.' Friend A sees Friend B quite regularly and I have also seen Friend B quite regularly, her DD1 is my god daughter, I have a lovely relationship with both girls and her children adore my DD. In normal circumstances I would love to spend the day with them, however having two young but aware children will mean that almost all adult conversation over lunch is a no no. I also foresee that once we have eaten they will start to get bored and so we will probably end up drawing the outing to a close pretty early.

We have the sort of group of friends where it is quite common for meetings and arrangements to be made amongst a couple of people and then an open invite to be given for anybody else to join in, although that wasn't the case here. Saying no to friend wasn't really an option without upsetting her so she is coming and I'm sure we'll have a nice time, but AIBU to feel annoyed that she invited herself knowing Friend A and I haven't seen each other in months and knowing bring DC would change the dynamic of the afternoon?

NigellasDealer Mon 14-Apr-14 10:20:27

well if you have the kind of group as described in your last paragraph, then yes really YABU

BerniesBurneze Mon 14-Apr-14 10:21:15

Yanbu! I think you're right, there was no easy way to get out of it either.

trikken Mon 14-Apr-14 10:24:13

Yanbu. She should have asked, not just assumed she could come along.

Lilaclily Mon 14-Apr-14 10:26:05

Send a private message next time!

softlysoftly Mon 14-Apr-14 10:26:23

You should have used Private Message, imho posting to the general public on facebook leaves it as open territory and if they are used to doing things as a group with no issues your friend probably didn't see an issue.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Mon 14-Apr-14 10:27:02

Well i have quite a laid back friendship group and this would happen. It wouldnt bother me. If you wanted no one to tag along, you should of arranged it via private message. Not on walls.

livingatheendofthewall Mon 14-Apr-14 10:27:04

How annoying, maybe you should just change the venue via private message to friend A and 'forget' to tell friend B...YANBU to want to catch up with friend A on your own!

Lilaclily Mon 14-Apr-14 10:30:53

I does come across a little me me though
Like you want friend A to concentrate on your child & not on your two god-daughters

SATSmadness Mon 14-Apr-14 10:32:08

what a mean spirited suggestion livingattheendofthewall

If you want an adult conversation with A, let B know this. Surely they won't take offence once she knows its not a "mum and kids" type outing.

Sneaking around is bound to cause offence in the long run.

Xfirefly Mon 14-Apr-14 10:32:37

YANBU. Though do you think maybe she felt she was being left out?

Amytheflag Mon 14-Apr-14 10:33:11

Yabu. If you want things private, keep it off facebook. It's friend A you should be annoyed with. Poor friend B for not being psychic.

DoJo Mon 14-Apr-14 10:33:33

I agree - I know it was your friend who posted it on your wall, but that does kind of make it more public. Also, is there really no way you could have said 'Oh, that sounds nice, but I was hoping for a good catch-up with A and I'm not sure your kids will want to spend that long sitting still in a tea room as it's likely to just be grown up chatting most of the time.'

No need to upset or offend, just point out that it's not an ideal outing for them. Now that it's done though, if/when her kids get restless and need to leave, just say 'It was lovely to see you' and let her go with them - there's no need for your plans to be dictated by her.

how harsh 'forgetting' to tell friend B would be. So she turns up with her DC and wonders wtf is going on - nice.

From reading a considerable amount of 'aibu to be hurt that friend made arrangements on fb and didn't invite me' sort of threads, I conclude that you're being unreasonable for not arranging via pm.

Pigletin Mon 14-Apr-14 10:37:58 mean.

Bowlersarm Mon 14-Apr-14 10:39:05


You said you normally have an open invitation of meeting up within this group. How is Friend B to know you want to exclude her from this meet up, when you wouldn't normally?

AwfulMaureen Mon 14-Apr-14 10:40:41

I did this once blush I don't know what I was thinking and after I invited myself I realised that it was a thing the women in question had arranged...and not an open thing at all. Be kind...she may have not been thinking straight.

youmakemydreams Mon 14-Apr-14 10:42:36

Yabu. If you have the sort of open invitation unspoken rule thing going on and you want to meet one of them without that applying you make arrangements via pm. To do it on Facebook walls suggests that the open invitation applies.

RedRoom Mon 14-Apr-14 10:42:40

Well, I don't think YABU.

You are quite entitled to meet friends alone if you want to. It is a bit presumptuous of your friend to invite herself along to an event and expect her children to come along too. Maybe you had personal things to discuss, or really wanted to see your friend alone: it would have been nice if your friend had thought about this for herself, but some people aren't all that sensitive to others.

It's too late for you to do anything now. I would have PM'd friend 2 back and said that you would love to meet as a three at some point, but this time you want to see your friend alone for a good catch up, and you have purposely decided to meet without the children.

The only thing you could do now is ask her not to bring the children because you want some adult time.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Mon 14-Apr-14 10:42:48

I can understand your miffiness but it's too late now.

Enjoy the catch up.

chesterberry Mon 14-Apr-14 10:43:41

Thanks, good to have a mixed response. I agree we should have used private message - we did initially arrange everything via private message a few days ago so not sure why Friend A then confirmed it on my wall, although she is not very facebook savvy so may not have realised it would be public. I don't think Friend B was being unreasonable to invite herself along given the nature of arrangements in our group and it's not that I want Friend A to myself as such, but it's now having to have a child-centred lunch where we cant have grown up conversation that annoys me. I suppose I am annoyed (perhaps unreasonably so) that she asked in such a way where we couldn't say no. Maybe I should have said we wanted some grown-up time and then suggested we meet at soft play or go to the park or something more child friendly after lunch but she has had a hard time lately and I didn't want to risk offending her. Oh well, perhaps Friend A will have learnt a valuable lesson about posting on walls vs private messaging!

janey68 Mon 14-Apr-14 10:44:31

I agree it would be childish and mean to change the venue behind friend Bs back. I also think its friend A who you should be annoyed with (if anyone)
I can't understand why people post private arrangements on FB like this ... Unless of course they want the whole of their friendship group and possibly the entire public to know that whoopee do! - they're off out for lunch tomorrow. Private messaging is for private arrangements. If you are part of a group which operates by posting on eachothers walls whenever you're going for a coffee or whatever, you can hardly complain if the audience you are posting to, responds to it

WhereHas1999DissappearedToo Mon 14-Apr-14 10:45:10

YABU as you posted it on a public wall instead you should've just private messaged, and especially as most of the time you just have open catch up with your friends.

Amytheflag Mon 14-Apr-14 10:45:57

I do think you should cancel on friend B though if you and friend A are going to be off with her and just be sitting waiting for her to leave.

OldBagWantsNewBag Mon 14-Apr-14 10:48:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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