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To be very annoyed at my SIL

(59 Posts)
PenguinBear Sun 13-Apr-14 10:07:05

we have an eldery relative in hospital (they are coming out soon and in good health). SIL lives 10minutes away and has grown up children so can pop to see him much more easily than us although she only goes once or twice a week herself. We live 90miles away and have young DC.

SIL rings this morning to see if we were planning to visit today. I said no as we'd already planned a day out and were going next week and were going to take him an Easter egg etc. she then tells me that she told him we would all be visiting today and she'd have to ring the hospital and tell him we weren't coming.

AIBU to be annoyed at her for this? I know she judges me terribly as I don't go every week but we really can't afford the petrol and it's so hard to find the time as I have so much work to do for work at the weekend. It takes all day so it's hard to go more than once every 2 weeks. He has 6 family members nearby who visit at the weekends and in the week so he's not alone.

She doesn't understand the fact that work (I'm a teacher) will not give me a day off to go and visit hmm

We've cancelled our plans and of course are going to visit today as I don't want him to be disappointed.

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am!

soundevenfruity Sun 13-Apr-14 12:00:29

It's about him and not your SIL so I wouldn't make a point for the sake of making a point. It's so considerate to cancel your plans and it's reasonable to take your children with you as they need to excercise their "compassionate muscles". I would have a 1-2-1 conversation to you SIL though.

Goldmandra Sun 13-Apr-14 12:01:40

You have a responsibility to your DCs too and dragging them up and down the motorway to visit someone in hospital isn't particularly kind either.

You decided the frequency of visiting that meets everyone's needs best. Your SIL has told you you're wrong because she has a different life and a different perspective.

If I were the person in hospital, I'd rather people visited me because they wanted to see me and enjoyed spending time with me, not because some busybody had pushed them into it.

Tell her that you won't allow yourself to be pushed around again so, if she tells him you'll be visiting without checking with you, she will have to be the one to let him down.

Let her judge you.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Mon 14-Apr-14 10:36:15

Why would she think it's reasonable to make plans for someone else without telling them about them - does she think you're telepathic?
I'd tell her that she's the one who's letting him down by making promises she can't keep, and then arrange to visit him with your family under your own steam.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Mon 14-Apr-14 11:10:26

Did you actually visit yesterday?

If you did, make that the last time you actually change plans because of your SiL's attitude towards you.

Don't be a doormat, no one needs to be walked over.

Hissy Mon 14-Apr-14 12:04:20

"she then tells me that she told him we would all be visiting today"

Her problem. you should never have cancelled your plans. Don't let others manipulate and guilt trip you.

ADishBestEatenCold Mon 14-Apr-14 12:27:19

Who is the elderly relative, OP?

I ask because I can see that may have a bearing upon your SIL's presumption and expectations.

For example, if your SIL is your DH's DSis, and the elderly relative is one of your PILs, then it might not be unreasonable for SIL to expect her brother, your DH, to be there when his mother or father came out of hospital, particularly if there is ongoing care to be planned.

Likewise, if your SIL is your brother's wife, and the elderly relative is one of your parents, then again it might not be unreasonable to expect you to be there to welcome your mother or father home and help plan their care.

However, if the elderly relative is (for example) an uncle, with two grown up children of his own, and you are one of several nephews and nieces that he regularly sees, then it certainly would be unreasonable of your SIL to make visiting arrangements in this way.

rollonthesummer Mon 14-Apr-14 13:01:29

What did you say to get? Why did you agree?

I don't understand why you didn't say to her what you've posted on here?

PenguinBear Mon 14-Apr-14 15:28:28

We went. It's dp's side and yes SIL is one of his sisters.

We went to see him, we couldn't not as I would have felt too guilty for leaving him.

We stopped off on the way to have a partial day out and took the DC out for dinner in the way back to break up the journey.

Fairenuff Mon 14-Apr-14 16:48:46

I don't think you can complain about SIL then, if you are happy to fall in with her plans. Sorry, but she will only realise it's not ok to do that if you tell her. Otherwise, as far as she is concerned, this arrangement suited you all.

Hissy Mon 14-Apr-14 16:50:34

You need to call SIL and tell her that you did pop in and see the relative, but that in future she is not to promise your time to anyone. You don't take orders from her, or answer to her and you'd appreciate if she kept her own diary.

ADishBestEatenCold Mon 14-Apr-14 16:51:59

So was this your DP's father, PenguinBear? If so, then you were right to go. Still perhaps galling to have SIL making arrangements for you without the courtesy of consultation, but you were right to go.

Cocolepew Mon 14-Apr-14 17:05:09

I would never expect anyone to travel 90 miles to visit me if I was in hospital shock

Whatisaweekend Mon 14-Apr-14 17:08:45

I think it was lovely of you to go so that your relative wouldn't be disappointed! However I would definitely tear your SIL off several strips for her rude and presumptuous behaviour (or have your dh do it - she is his sister, after all). How dare she make plans without consulting you!! Who the bloody hell does she think she is?? angry

expatinscotland Mon 14-Apr-14 17:23:00

More fool you to have cancelled your plans.

Stop allowing your SIL to bully and control you.

'No. That doesn't work for us.'

clam Mon 14-Apr-14 17:38:35

OK, so you made the most of it, but you still need to have a conversation with your SIL (or rather your dh does), telling her that she should not pull a stunt like that again.

Meerka Mon 14-Apr-14 17:45:51

I'd be saying politely that that doesn't work for us and she needs to talk to us before making arrangements on our behalf.

I'd also speak to your partner's father and let him know that you will make arrangements directly with him and not to expect you unless you've said it to him.

dollius Mon 14-Apr-14 17:51:57

Why on earth is the onus on you to arrange all these visits and not your DH?

Can you imagine your own brother haranguing your DH to visit your elderly aunt in hospital??

Completely ridiculous.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 14-Apr-14 18:34:29

'Oh we told him you'd be visiting'
'Best go visit yourself and untell him then.'

If she says 'jump' and you say 'how high', things will never change.

hellymelly Mon 14-Apr-14 18:40:12

I was in your position with my Mum, I lived two hours drive minimum from the hospital, and have young dds, my brother lived about 30 minutes away and has a teenager. My db completely understood why we only managed to visit every two weeks or so. Sometimes it was 3 or four if the girls had weekend stuff as we couldn't keep taking them out of school. dB visited twice a week most weeks. Now she is in a care home near me, as I wanted to take the burden off DB, and I visit three times a week, and DB (two hours or more away) once a month. Your Sil is being very unreasonable, not you. Stay firm, don't allow her to make you feel guilty.

TheRealAmandaClarke Mon 14-Apr-14 20:29:27

Ywbu to cancel your plans
What did your dh say? It sounds as though you're expected to manage this situation.
YANBU to be annoyed with your Sisil.

aermingers Mon 14-Apr-14 20:34:06

I would LOVE to hear DSILs side of this story.

Nennypops Mon 14-Apr-14 21:29:14

It was ridiculous of her to tell your relative that you were coming without checking first. However, I have some sympathy with her as I'm in a similar position - I'm the one who lives near an elderly relative who is on her own in sheltered accommodation whilst other relatives live further away. Therefore I visit her at least twice a week, I'm the first person on call if there's a problem, I'm the one who sorts out her shopping, makes her appointments, etc etc; the other relatives visit maybe once in six weeks. I begrudge absolutely none of it, and I realise it's much more of a big deal for the others to make the journey. However, I don't think it really ever occurs to them that, even taking the journey into account, they devote much less time to said relative than I do, and there are times when I wish that they'd make just a little more effort.

So I agree that I'd like to hear SIL's side of this.

aermingers Mon 14-Apr-14 23:13:35

I know. I suspect that she feels very put upon and probably does a lot more than the OP either realises or is prepared to admit to us.

I suspect the SIL has got pretty damn frustrated over something to react like this as her sole aim seems to be to shame you into going.

I have to say I can't really understand why the OP and her DH are joined at the hip and have to go together. Why can't HE take a day off work, HE doesn't have lessons to prepare for Monday.

I have to say in the SILs shoes I would be cross that my brother was constantly not helping out purely because it wasn't convenient for his wife.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 15-Apr-14 06:01:50

Fair point nennypops and aermingers

dollius Tue 15-Apr-14 06:23:59

Well yes, maybe the SIL does feel very put upon. But that doesn't explain why it is the OP under pressure and not her DH.

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