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or is he?

(20 Posts)
BADbadleroybr0wn Sat 12-Apr-14 23:07:00

If your OH agrees to go to an event with you - do you decide before you go how long you'll be there for? IMO - if you say you'll go, you should go along, whether that be a few hours or an all night affair. If you don't like the person (which he didn't tonight) you just grit your teeth and get on with it - it's only one night? Or is that really unreasonable of me? OH thinks so.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 12-Apr-14 23:09:53

If you say you are going to go then go. If you don't want to go then don't say you are going to go. If you don't want to go then let the person that does want to go, go and envy it on their own but don't change your mind once you have the tickets.

WitchWay Sat 12-Apr-14 23:10:20

We usually agree beforehand what time we're likely to leave & stick to it (because of childcare or these days teenager home alone) unless it's dreadful in which case we might leave early.

BADbadleroybr0wn Sat 12-Apr-14 23:17:27

It was my friend's party - he doesn't like her - but said he'd go, we spent an hour arguing today and how long we'd go for. My opinion was I shouldn't have to decide in advance how long I want to stay for - if it was awful we might have a quiet, strained conversation at the time - but it annoyed me so much that he saw this as the condition to him going - especially when I said all week - 'If you don't want to go, it's fine - I'll take X instead' and he said 'No it's fine, I'll come' ?! We don't have kids no so babysitter to consider. His attitude has really pissed me off as I think I was being quite thoughtful.

CoffeeTea103 Sat 12-Apr-14 23:23:17

We just go and usually whoever wants to leave first then we go accordingly. In a situation like yours my DH would have come and just grin and bear because it was important to me.

BADbadleroybr0wn Sat 12-Apr-14 23:28:47

Yeah that's what I would have done for him - and I told him so. I feel quite hurt tonight.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 12-Apr-14 23:30:26

Why couldn't you go by yourself?

BADbadleroybr0wn Sat 12-Apr-14 23:33:46

The girl who's birthday it was - we have only just started talking again after 3 years of silence (a whole other story) - I told OH that I would go on my own but I'd like his support tonight as the event would be a lot of people I haven't seen in a while - and there could have been an atmosphere.

sykadelic Sun 13-Apr-14 01:03:59


I agree with setting a minimum time. In our case, if it's something either of us are worried about the other person will compromise a time they'd be happy to leave in the event it sucks, and a signal if someone is particularly uncomfortable.

For example in your case I would have said to my DH (as he was the one who didn't want to stay long), "how about 2 hours? If it's really bad, earlier, but I'd like to stay a minimum of that long." Then we'd compromise based on that if he didn't want to stay that long.

I don't agree with grinning and bearing it for an unknown period of time. It's easier to "suck it up" when you have a deadline in mind. It also means he won't bug you until that time unless it's really bad.

I also think it's selfish to have someone stay where they don't want to stay and expect them to stay however long you want them to with no indication of an end, especially in the example you give where you're only just now building bridges. If it were someone really important to you (which your update implies it's not) then I expect he would react differently.

BerniesBurneze Sun 13-Apr-14 01:08:10

Yabu - I regularly discuss plans with DH before we go but they are flexible when we're out.

I think it's unfair to make him go and subject him to 5 hours when 2 is reasonable.

things are also much more tolerable when you know the end.

BADbadleroybr0wn Sun 13-Apr-14 01:12:58

But even though I have him the option not to go at all?

Polonius Sun 13-Apr-14 01:20:24

Go go, and stay for as long as you are enjoying yourself. If you get there and he hates it, you stay for as long as is acceptable to the host without causing too much grief.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 13-Apr-14 01:36:32

Sounds like he couldn't "win" this one.

You want his support but he doesn't have to go.
You discussed how long to stay but he didn't want to stay long enough.

Lots of mixed messages and for that YABU.

Bogeyface Sun 13-Apr-14 02:07:51

"I'd like you to come but I am ok if you dont want to" doesnt sound like "he couldnt win this one". He had a get out but he chose not to take it.

He said he would go and then decided that the would set restrictions? No. Either you say "Yes I will go" or "No, I dont want to".

Bogeyface Sun 13-Apr-14 02:08:05

Should add OP, YANBU

contortionist Sun 13-Apr-14 03:08:11

YABU. It's perfectly reasonable of him to say that he'll go with you only if the pair of you leave by 10pm (or whatever).

Paq Sun 13-Apr-14 06:08:43

YANBU. he didn't have to go at all, sounds like he made the offer and then regretted it.

Odaat Sun 13-Apr-14 07:03:28

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask what time you will stay till (around). However, you have him te option all week no to go, you could have get someone else to support you- thn last minute he starts putting conditions on him going. He Gould have discussed that with you earlier in week, so that if his conditions were not suitable you would have time to ask someone else.

TheRealAmandaClarke Sun 13-Apr-14 07:24:04

I can see why you would want to have some flexibility, not being restricted to a Pre set time. But in his position, I would find it quite stressful to not have any idea of when we might leave. I know you said he had the option to not go. Why didn't he want to just stay away? Did he not want you going without him? IYSWIM.
It's hard to say really. From your op I can see a couple of scenarios. One in which you are unreasonably expecting him to go along to something hes not really happy with (maybe with good reason as you've not spoken to the friend for some time) and hang about until you say you can leave (torture!) Or another where he insist on coming along but also on pressuring you into a inflexible situation.
It sounds like you both wanted control over the situation but if you want to do things together some compromise and negotiation, considering the other's POV is useful.

BADbadleroybr0wn Sun 13-Apr-14 09:00:16

Thanks for all you POV. Good to have a mixture of opinions and I do see where all of you are coming from. In the future I think it's safer just to take my other mate smile

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